evaporating on my lips

Someone wrote…

My husband is a transman. Most of the time, it barely registers with me at all–it’s not an issue. Sometimes, though, I resent it intensely, because so much of our life is focused around his gender that mine is forgotten.

Biologically, I’m female, and we have a daughter who I birthed. I don’t feel like a woman, though, and certainly not a girl. Were it less charged, were my family less conservative, were my circumstances different, I would transition, maybe–but to what? I’m not sure that I feel like a man, either, nor a boy, but something entirely other, something that isolates and “others” me, even from those I love.

I’m told, sometimes, that I’m too angry. Angry about irrelevant things, angry about things that I can’t control. Of course I’m angry, though. Wouldn’t you be angry if you were wrong in ways that could never be made right? Wouldn’t you be angry and resentful if others who were wrong could be made right, however arduous the procedures?

Sometimes I think that my anger is just a way to avoid acknowledging how sad and alone I feel most of the time. I feel like my words are weightless and hollow, evaporating on my lips.

What do you identify with?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on November 29th, 2008 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice One comment »

One Response to “evaporating on my lips”

  1. Sygar

    My fiance is a transman as well. I am a genderqueer. Honestly, I don’t even feel that term works for me. Genderless maybe, I dunno. What I do know is that I read can identify with a lot of what you said here. And if I had any magical wisdom filled words, that would cure it all for you…I would do so…for now

    Be the change that you want to see in the world (and others to)

    I know it sounds hard, and wrong to some…but take some of that focus off your husbands gender and journey. You are entitled to the same are you not? Focus on you, have him do the same and help you to….It may just help you figure out the answers to all those seemingly unsolavble riddles in your life.


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