Someone wrote…

My mother’s told me many times how happy she was I was her second child, because, as she said “I didn’t want more than two, but I would’ve kept having them until I got my daughter.” How can I ever tell her I’m growing, day by day, farther from the daughter she wanted and possibly even closer to being her second son instead? Those words break my heart every time she says them.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on October 14th, 2009 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 12 comments »

12 Responses to “Farther.”

  1. Tara

    I feel that. I am an only child. I will have no children. My parents said similar things.
    But now they love their daughter it seems.


  2. Adisson

    My mother is the same way. I’m her 2nd child, my older sib is my brother. Coming out to her as trans was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. She says she still loves me, but I felt like I was killing her daughter in those words. If you want to talk about it more, feel free to email me at sheik1847@yahoo.com

    -Adisson (the photo curator)


  3. AgentRusco

    I also feel this so much. I was thinking about it just today.

    I know that I need to make my decisions for me and no one else, but it surely will hurt to disappoint others, especially my parents in this way.


  4. Adisson

    @AgentRusco and whoever else – My mom said one of the most incredible things to me a while ago, that whenever I feel like dirt for being who and what I am, I try to remind myself to think of it. She sat me down and said “You know, when I moved to Philly, no one wanted me to go. But I knew I had to. Sometimes you just have to tell everyone to f— off and do your own thing. They’ll come to understand in time.”

    It may not be a pretty statement, but coming from someone like my mother, I know its a big deal. and I think that means she knows that someday, I’m going to be saying that to her.


  5. William

    I have three little sisters and my mum would still much prefer me as a daughter, mainly because she “understands” girls more. She understands that I have to do this, that I NEED to be a boy but she still can’t understand why. I don’t think either of us can pretend that it isn’t a disappointment to her that her eldest daughter became her transsexual son.

    I can’t tell her that the only reason I ever came out was because my depression allowed me to finally see my pain as more important than anyone else’s. I hate how selfish I feel.


  6. Andy

    I can totally relate. I have three brothers, no sisters, and growing up, my dad would always say “How many daughters do I have?” I often wonder if coming out to him would break his heart.


  7. Andy

    To William~and to anyone else reading this, for that matter, I suppose~

    Your second paragraph absolutely struck a chord with me. It’s difficult, isn’t it, when even through your own pain, even when you’re doing something you know you absolutely *have* to do, you’re still thinking of the others and feeling selfishly for thinking/feeling/acting as you do. But we have to do these things, don’t we? Pull down the oxygen mask over our own face before we can help the person sitting next to us? And we do this not only to help the others around us–but because we are worthy of living and being here, too. And sometimes that’s the hardest part to remember…


  8. Baba

    Addison- What your mom said really struck a chord with me right now. Thank you for that.


  9. ellis

    my mom always wanted this sort of ideal picket-fence family. husband, two happy kids, and a dog, etc.

    instead, she got a son with severe autism and a daughter who is really a son. poor lady. all she wanted was a “normal” family.


  10. William

    My mum says she would feel kinda cosmically victimised if many more of her children were gay or trans.

    Funny, I spent my childhood feeling cosmically victimised for being born into the body and the life of a girl.


  11. Eightfold

    I’m afraid to come out to my parents because they already have one queer kid. They didn’t take it well the first time, either.


  12. Claudius Maximus

    I figure my parents got 2 1/2 of each gender. Two beautiful daughters, two handsome sons and one totally beautiful & handsome daughterson(me).


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