Passing just one at a time

Someone wrote…

I hate that it matters so damn much.

I’m a femmish queer woman (not so much heels/make-up/skirts, but girl pants and tops), and my boyfriend is FTM. I never pass as queer. Ever. Except occasionally when we’re together. And we can’t both pass at once: either he passes as male and I’m seen as straight, or I pass as queer and he’s seen as a butch lesbian.

I hate that I feel like it matters.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on January 8th, 2009 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 2 comments »

2 Responses to “Passing just one at a time”

  1. Tualha

    Yeah, I remember someone in a support group saying she used to be visibly lesbian when she went out with her gf, but as she transitioned they were perceived as a straight couple, and got the cold shoulder at queer venues they used to enjoy :(


  2. Britni

    I find that, for me, society defines my sexual orientation by my partner. When I am with a man, I can walk around in public and no one gives me so much as a second glance. I am “straight” because I am walking hand in hand with a man, and therefore pass perfectly in society.

    When I am dating a woman, I get the stares and the looks and the discrimination that sometimes comes from being queer. I am an “other.” All because of the person that I am in a relationship with at that moment. I pass based on who I am holding hands with that day. But I’m never any less queer because I am with a man, or less straight because I am with a woman.


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