Profile: Matt


You can call me… Matt

I identify as… A cissexual, genderqueer, femme (effeminate/fey/soft/flamey) gay man. I’ve identified as not-your-usual-cis-boy for some twelve years now, and have spent that time looking high and low for a community of like-minded gents.

As far as third-person pronouns go, … “He” is fine.

I’m attracted to… males of various kinds: cis men, trans men, butches, other femmes… but machismo, unchecked privilege, and other foolishness is out. Sex-positivity, open communication, intelligence, progressive politics on all fronts, and the ability to hold a decent conversation are definite pluses.

When people talk about me, I want them to… realize that “You’re not *that* femme!” and “But real men can do that too!” are not actually supportive comments. I’m pretty sure that whatever I am, it’s probably not a “real man,” and I have no particular interest in being reassured I am one.

I want people to understand… that femme men exist, that the fanatical hatred of non-masculine males in society (including in the LGBT community) has devastating consequences, that our struggle and that of all other queer and trans people is important, and that femme men are beautiful, worthy, and (in our particular way) strong.


About Matt
I am a 28-year-old Canadian translator and political geek. Queer-looking, queer-acting seeks same.

» Define yourself. «

Posted by on December 22nd, 2009 at 08:00 am

Category: profiles 14 comments »

14 Responses to “Profile: Matt”

  1. Boston/David/Rachel

    I agree that femme guys are frowned upon in our society. When I came out as androgynous, one of the things I told one of my closer friends at the time was that I associated myself with an effeminet male instead of a masculine female. They flipped out and denied it, even though they have advocated for equality for everyone LGBTQ. The point being that even within the LGBTQ and Allies community, there’s still many people who put us down.


  2. J

    You rock! I especially like the part about “real men”. The world needs more guys like you :)


  3. ry_z

    Oh dear, you sound wonderful. :x


  4. Skij

    Thank you for this, it was very enlightening :)


  5. Alaina

    Wow, your words really opened my eyes. I never thought about how anti-femme the gay community is. And how bizarre that is! Thanks.


  6. julian



  7. Gabriel

    I love your style :)


  8. Steve

    The gay community does indeed have a big hangup when it comes to effeminate men, which is really just self-loathing because the large majority of gay men are at least a little genderqueer, or a lotta genderqueer. And don’t even get me started on ‘straight-acting.’ You’re pretty awesome, keep doing what you’re doing man.


  9. Lilybean

    I heard a pretty believable theory that the anti effeminate male attitude is sexism – you’re supposed to be a strong, powerful male, but you are making yourself weak and pathetic by ‘trying to be’ the ‘inferior’ sex. How very dare you.


  10. Anonymous

    yep yep. so many people are super anti-femininity-in-dudes, and it is sexist and it sucks. you seem awesome :)


  11. Oliver

    Is there a non-creepy way to say “I love your brain. Marry me?” because I’m having trouble finding it.

    I’m in the same situation to you, with similar thoughts (though not so eloquently expressed) only I’m transsexual rather than cissexual. “You’re not that femme” and “that was very masculine” (don’t lie through your teeth to tell me what you think I want to hear!) are not helpful to me either.

    It upsets me that the queer community, which likes to project such a radical, rebellious image, has such an elementary understanding of sex and gender… one absorbed straight from the surrounding misogyny and femmephobia.


  12. Matt

    Thank you all for the kind words! They make me feel really good. I had honestly forgotten about this profile until it came up in a Google search, and your comments really improved my day.


  13. Anonymous

    y’all are all so awesome. This is the best website. I learn so much. I am a cis woman, and femme men whether cis trans straight or queer are pretty much the only guys I can really enjoy as people. It makes me sad the way ‘masculinity’ can throw such huge walls up between people. I am completely with Lilybean on the sexism part. So thank you for this, maybe it will help encourage some femme men on their journey, god knows we need more of them in the world.


  14. Your sister in law's best friend :)

    Heya Matt,

    Good words, well spoken.


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