Question: Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Boifriend?
Argo asks…
Is there a gender-neutral equivalent to boyfriend or girlfriend? I am dating someone for the first time since I have been recognizing myself as a genderqueer boidyke, and “girlfriend” doesn’t fit. But “lover,” “significant other,” “partner,” and other politically correct words sound dry, or make it sound as if we are in a much more committed relationship than we are. Is there an alternative?
Please post your response in the comments below.
» Ask Genderfork «
Posted by Zory on December 20th, 2009 at 08:00 am
Category: questions 41 comments »
December 20th, 2009 at 8:21 am |
well my sig other and i when we were together we just called each other our boifriends..it seemed to fit and it made us both happy. we’re both genderqueer and it worked!
December 20th, 2009 at 8:29 am |
When I was with someone genderqueer we used a lot of words like darlin’, sweetie, honey, baby, etc.
“Cuddle buddy” was also a favorite.
It all depends on what you’re comfortable with, really.
December 20th, 2009 at 9:36 am |
I’m dating someone genderqueer for the first time, and I’ve been asking myself this question too!
I’ve been alternating between partner, special friend, boyfriend and, recently even girlfriend. Special friend is my favourite, but I feel like a dork saying it… looking forward to hearing some fresh ideas! :)
December 20th, 2009 at 10:19 am |
I like “sweetheart” because it clearly conveys that it’s a romantic relationship without implying too much seriousness and without specifying a gender. Partner and significant other always seemed to imply too much marriage and commitment to me, and I want to be able to acknowledge relationships that aren’t at that point yet.
Sure, it sounds a little like something from a Hallmark card, but I think it best gets the point across. I also personally like this because it doesn’t indicate a presence or lack of monogamy, which is an issue for polyamorous me.
December 20th, 2009 at 10:42 am |
“This is my schweetie!” I also like the old fashioned word “beau”
December 20th, 2009 at 11:17 am |
I like boygirlfriend, or girlboyfriend, for my androgynous lover. :)
December 20th, 2009 at 11:28 am |
I just say “This is my ” :)
December 20th, 2009 at 11:29 am |
Oops..the coding didn’t work on that. I meant to say “This is my -insert person’s name here-.”
December 20th, 2009 at 11:35 am |
personally, even though i know it’s not “politically correct” to say such things, i generally introduce persons like that as “this is mine.” then again, i’ve got some major dom tendencies, so that may be why i go for the ownership thing.
December 20th, 2009 at 11:47 am |
is there really a problem with asserting your ownership? i dont think so..
December 20th, 2009 at 12:13 pm |
My partner calls me “the old one” with a hillbilly accent (I’m two years older than her)
December 20th, 2009 at 1:05 pm |
I’ve been using “this is my sweetie”, despite the fact that I used to hate it.
My sweetie uses “companion,” but that feels weird to me. and probably falls under “more committed than you want to express.” I also say “partner.”
Sometimes I’ll get creative and say things like “my favorite critter.”
December 20th, 2009 at 2:00 pm |
jay: ha, i certainly don’t think so. but people are big on equality and the like, and sometimes they don’t see the sweetness and humor in such things.
December 20th, 2009 at 2:07 pm |
I enjoy being called “birlfriend”…it’s sort of a silly combination of boy and girl, but it plays to my sort of silly embrace of both identities.
December 20th, 2009 at 2:17 pm |
I’m not really old enough for a relationship yet but I was wondering what your definition of boidyke was. It is a term that might fit me but I can’t find a definition on it.
December 20th, 2009 at 2:22 pm |
My girlfriend and I have the same problem. She calls me her boifriend around people who would get it (aka, GLBT friends) but hasn’t figured out what to tell people who wouldn’t. My ex used to just say, “hey, this is my S.O….” I thought that worked nicely. A little less bulky than “significant other”
December 20th, 2009 at 2:53 pm |
I like “date.” “This is my date so-and-so.”
December 20th, 2009 at 7:06 pm |
…there are friends, and then there are Friends…
I like my friends, but I love my Friends :)
…at least this is sort of how I see things before they’ve become a partner, wife, SO, etc. :)
December 20th, 2009 at 8:15 pm |
In my case it’d be like “Hey Mom and Dad, this is the person who miraculously wants to share saliva with me.”
But, well, darling or other pet names are good to work across the point that HAY GUYS WE SHARE SALIVA AND POSSIBLY OTHER BODILY FLUIDS TOO.
Personally, I like weird pet names. You can get inventive if you want, it’d probably make the relationship more personal if you’re into being cute. Think out of the box! If “hey, muffin” floats your boat, then sure, but the looks you would get for a screamed “HI MY DARLING FERRET” would be PRICELESS.
I’d love to be called birlfriend or boifriend by somebody though. Actually, never mind. Anything works for meeee ^^
December 20th, 2009 at 9:38 pm |
I just realized that I don’t entirely feel comfortable being a “girlfriend”. I think I would really like it if my boyfriend said, “she’s my boifriend” about me, but people who aren’t in the know about genderqueerness would not hear the “i” in the word. And we’re 19 and 18, so other commonly used terms — SO, partner, lover — just seem awkward.
December 20th, 2009 at 10:04 pm |
Personal preference: I’ve settled in nicely with s.o. both for me & for my s.o.
I will admit to using more gendered terms around folks who are queer-oblivious for the sake of coming out because visibility is important to both of us. It’s an awkward-feeling compromise.
December 20th, 2009 at 11:00 pm |
I like “SO” myself, and I’ve heard “This is my person” and “my heart,” which are both sweet and, I think, personal.
December 21st, 2009 at 12:29 am |
My girlfriend sometimes used “gender neutral friend” which is quite cool. I think I could get used to boifriend too, but I’m not sure non LGBT people would get it…
December 21st, 2009 at 4:30 pm |
I’m currently single, but I think I’d like to use the term “boifriend” for whoever I’m in a relationship with.
It would be interesting because I’m a bio. male genderqueer transdyke/boidyke and people usually mistake me for a gender-bending gay boy, so when I tell them about my boyfriend and they meet hir and see that ze’s an androgynous female, they would be surprised or confused haha
December 21st, 2009 at 5:10 pm |
I like “sweetheart” myself! in kind of a pre-hallmark-cards, romantic early 20th century way. “partner” & “lover” are accurate sometimes… but “sweetheart” is a nice & easy way to refer to the person in question, without specifying their gender (or my orientation), to other people.
in past relationships I’ve also used “my Friend”, with the capital-letter emphasis… but in the relationship I’m in now, sweetheart definitely feels awesome & right on!
December 21st, 2009 at 9:31 pm |
Something that one of my friends started using last year (with his SO who identified as genderqueer at the time) was “my person”. It’s cute and universal–even our straight cis couple friends use it sometimes instead of boyfriend/girlfriend.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:29 am |
“this is my second body”
thats how i’ve started thinking of my ‘partner’ now that we’re comfortably intimate but not majorly serious…
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 am |
My roommate called her boyfriend her squish, not for gender reasons but just because it was cute.
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:59 am |
My S/Os in the past and I have generally refered to each other as one-another’s inamorats.
‘Inamorato’ refers to a male lover and ‘inamorata’ refers to a female lover, making ‘inamorat’ a nice in between. Just simply ‘lover.’
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:25 am |
I say genderfriend. because I like the way the “end” sounds are repeated. :)
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:21 pm |
I actually quite like “lover”. To me, it conveys things perfectly.
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:18 pm |
These days I wind up saying “My… *confused look* girlfriend?” or “My… *confused look* boyfriend?” or “my partner” a lot, but the first two just don’t feel right and the third sounds weird to most people coming out of a seventeen-year-old’s mouth. I’m looking for alternatives, and I’ve found that the best quirky pet names (like “My Makeout Hobo”) come when you’re not looking for them. I knew a “girl group” who called each other “my robot” and “my leading lady.” (Girl group, not couple, because of the open relationship.)
“My squeeze” is a nice one, I think, because it definitely doesn’t have any sex/gender implications.
December 23rd, 2009 at 5:48 am |
I struggled with this question as well, until a very clever lover of mine started calling me her steady, which worked very nicely for us.
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 pm |
i like “my person.” it’s generic and can have a whole variety of connotations, depending on your tone. said sweetly, it can sound quite endearing and show that you care about this person, while not giving the impression that you’re necessarily in a deeply committed relationship.
December 24th, 2009 at 12:02 pm |
I don’t see the problem with ‘partner’. Theoretically at least, its a perfect word. It’s all-inclusive – even heteros use it, it doesn’t convey any more or any less then it needs to, and everyone knows what you mean.
Of course, if you find something else you like (I love the idea of using completely unrelated words or the person’s name) then that’s great too.
As a side note, whenever talking about future partners, i say ‘I’ll do such-and-such when I finally have a girlfriend/ boyfriend/ whateverfriend’ but I’m not sure if whateverfriend would work on its own…
December 26th, 2009 at 2:50 pm |
I always liked “partner in crime”
December 26th, 2009 at 10:47 pm |
In a relationship I was in where it wasn’t the respective genders that were in question, but the seriousness of the relationship, my partner and I ended up using “gruefriend” and “bleenfriend.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grue_and_bleen)
December 29th, 2009 at 2:40 pm |
I like the simple possessive “mine”
January 2nd, 2010 at 1:31 pm |
Anonymous 7 – I LOVE you (I’m a geeky philosophy student).
These days I have the gender-neutral-sounding FIANCE to use to describe my lover. But we’ve been through SO (and, confusingly, SOOSO – Significant other’s other significant other) boifriend, boygirlfriend, NAMEfriend, boy/girlfriend, queerfriend, partner, current (other people go on about their exes, I have a habit of talking about my currents), companion, primary and lover…
And, yeah. Most days I mix it up for my gorgeous genderodd fiance so hir sex/gender is never assumed though we will collectively refer to ourselves as boyfriends – just so we match (it’s cute).
January 9th, 2010 at 3:40 pm |
I usually get called ‘the queerfriend’, which I must say, I kinda like :o)
January 9th, 2010 at 6:39 pm |
My girlfriend calls me her mushyfriend, but that’s specific to our relaionship.