Quiet confusion.

Someone wrote…

My mother told me as a child that I would look ugly if I cut it off. When I hit puberty I started looking and feeling like a boy with long hair. She told me as a teenager that I didn’t have the face for it and gave me a look like she thought I was crazy. I cut it finally in my early twenties and I heard her voice in the snipping of the scissors. I heard her voice all the time telling me I looked ugly until it was grown out again. And now I hear the comforting voice of society telling me how pretty my long curls are. Meanwhile my own voice is just a sigh of quiet confusion.

How do you balance all the voices in your life: familial, societal, your own? What ends up “winning,” and why?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on May 29th, 2009 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 6 comments »

6 Responses to “Quiet confusion.”

  1. Elizabeth

    This is how I feel right now… sometimes I want long hair, sometimes short, and right now, I just want to cut it all off. But I'm afraid… everyone tells me how good I look with my hair down, how I don't have the features for short hair. But it's so uncomfortable to have it long right now.


  2. Andy

    You seem to have been at the place I am… I realized last fall that I was not /just/ female. Since then I've gotten my hair cut to my chin, watched in disgust as it has growed back, and listened to my mother tell me that she doesn't want me to cut it again…. It's become one of my strongest desires to hurry up out of this stage of my life so I can get it cut again and work on being more comfortable with myself when I look in the mirror.


  3. P.B.

    the feeling of getting your haircut..is so worth it. i'm in bliss over the haircut i just got, happier even more than i realized i would be. it grows back..go for what your heart wants.

    good luck :)


  4. Robyn

    I felt like this but I gave in and cut it, I feel so much better now :)


  5. genderkid

    My mother –and many other members of my family– make me feel bad every time I cut my hair, too; but the amount of time that I spend feeling free and handsome is greater than the amount of time I spend feeling hurt and sad. I also used to have long curls, and they were pretty; but there isn't just one way of looking beautiful.

    I wish you the best of luck finding your own beauty!


  6. ~shorty~

    It should not matter what those around you are saying … I recently cut all my hair off (from the middle of my back) to a short and spikey style. I cried before I did it because I hated the long hair, yet knew it would be hell once I got home. I did it anyway, because it doesn't matter what people around me think. If I am not happy with myself, no one else can be happy for me. I live each day with my father telling me if I ever cut it off again, he will disown me. I go through each day with my dad asking me "when will your little phase end". I am going this evening to trim my hair before they return from their family vacation. I smile each time he asked me about my so called little phase. The truth is, it isn't a phase and I am sick of not knowing who I am. A really femme female on the outside, and a good hearted butch on the inside. Attempting to merge the two and do away with the femme is my goal … We shall see … If cutting your hair makes you happy, shave it off …. It doesn't matter what society thinks … Now if only I could wear my boy clothes and not lose my job …


Leave a Reply

Can I show your picture? If you have a Gravatar associated with this email address, it will be displayed as your photo. If not, I'll just put a picture of a fork next to your comment. Everybody likes forks.

Be nice. Judgmental comments will be quietly deleted and blacklisted. There's plenty of room for those elsewhere on the web.

For legal reasons, you must be age 13 or older to post a comment on Genderfork.

You can use some HTML tags for formatting, e.g. <em>...</em> for emphasis (italics) or <strong>...</strong> for strong emphasis (bold) or <a href="http://(url)">...</a> for links.

Back to top