A lot of people don’t get it.

Someone wrote…

When I’m attracted to men I feel gay. When I’m attracted to women I feel like a lesbian. I’m comfortable with this but a lot of people don’t get it.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on August 3rd, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 27 comments »

27 Responses to “A lot of people don’t get it.”

  1. Anonymous

    You are pansexual. You have no preference for gender. It’s totally normal and I am pansexual as well.


  2. Simon

    @anonymous…i don’t think it’s anyone’s place to decide what labels others should use. maybe this person doesn’t identify as a pansexual, but as a gay man and a lesbian alternatively. i don’t think that’s the same thing at all.

    anyway, i feel this way a lot too. but i sometimes wonder if it’s okay or not, like sometimes i feel like i’m being opportunistic you know, by trying to be both. :(


  3. Gypsy

    That’s exactly like how I feel.


  4. Teapot

    You need this t shirt. http://khaoskomix.com/images/store/gayshirt.jpg which can be bought from khaos komix.

    Then you need to buy another appropriate t shirt to explain the lesbian part to the people who just don’t get it.


  5. A

    Man, I’m the same way! It’s great to know that I’m not alone. Nobody seems to understand it.
    Also, @Teapot, I love that comic and especially want that shirt. =D


  6. Jay

    Holy s—. I don’t feel that way all the time, but I do sometimes. And sometimes I feel straight when attracted to women (bio-fem, here), sometimes I feel straight when I’m attracted to guys. Its like… there’re a whole bunch of different ways to be attracted/like someone! xD Anyway, yeah, awesome.

    (And Teapot – that shirt wins. As does Khaos Komix.)


  7. Geno

    I’m bio-fem, but I feel like a straight man when I’m attracted to women, and a straight woman when I’m attracted to men, except for once when I felt like a gay man. It’s all so weird and silly and awesome.


  8. Naomi

    This is me, dude. And when I’m attracted to other genderqueers, I feel truly gay, even if they’re on a different gender spectrum than me. But it’s the closest I can get to liking someone of the same gender (I frequently like people of the same sex, but that’s different).

    I feel like a queer guy when I’m with my boyfriend sometimes, and sometimes I wonder if other people think so, too.


  9. Sarah Dopp

    I get it.


  10. Amirell

    I know the feeling all too well.. And I agree that it’s pretty awesome in a queer way, but it’s also so damn confusing when trying to figure out who you are, both gender-wise and sexualy.


  11. h

    this is pretty much me! although in reference to comments #1 and #2… i don’t think that identifier would fit me. maybe? i’m attracted far more to obviously womenfolk and genderqueer folk than folks who play the part of men… but still once in a while.

    in fact, today after being in a pretty much men’s only space for the first time in a while, i realized how long it’s been since i’ve felt like one, and i’m not quite sure what to do about it. i can’t help but wonder if my answer to the earlier question of “when do you know you’re trans” for me is… now.


  12. Kashi

    @teapot oh man, that shirt is awesome.

    I’ve often tried to explain to people that I see the part of me that’s attracted to women as the straight side (and the kind that’s attracted to men as the gay side) but it always seems to confound people.

    I’m most attracted to genderqueers… somewhere in the middle and god if I know how to explain that one.


  13. Anna

    so cool to see other people describe their attraction scheme the way I would describe mine. :o)
    my sister was the first one I explained it to. she got it up until the point I said that having gay feelings for a guy and lesbian feelings for girl feels the same.


  14. Lanthir

    @ Simon -> Yes! This! Thank you!
    @ Original Post -> This is how I feel in my emotional attraction to people. My sexual attraction is always really dykey, even when I’m into guys (y chromosome-having ones or otherwise).


  15. Jay

    Thats exactly how I feel, and It is terribly confusing. It was relieving to hear someone else say those words. I couldnt have put it better myself.


  16. Meike

    @Amirell–I so agree. While usually I do the “I feel straight and I like this girl” type of thing, it does absolutely nothing to help me figure out who I am as an individual. It’s really quite frustrating.


  17. emyem

    This is how I feel, too. And even though I’m usually more attracted to men, as long as the other sees me as a female I don’t feel like I could be dating a guy. So confusing!


  18. Maximillian

    Ditto that, I’m not sure it’s as uncommon as you think.


  19. J



  20. Anonymous

    This is how I feel most of the time! When I was young, I was attracted pretty exclusively to gay males, and later in life to lots of kinds of people to the exculsion of almost no one. I’m a bio female who rarely identifies as explicitly trans (and only recently as genderqueer). When I have dated hetero men, I’ve always felt real real gay, which I loved.

    @Simon: I’ve also struggled with feeling opportunistic! Like, at what point am I being honest about my desires, and at what point am I tokenizing another person’s body?


  21. whitetights

    I feel like I get this so much. sometimes I feel gay and sometimes like a lesbian and other times I feel totally straight. I can’t explain it but I think it’s okay.


  22. Kashka

    This. This this this. I’m so glad I’m not alone.

    The way I explain it to people is that in relationships, I relate to the other party as someone of the same gender, regardless of what sex or gender either of us is. It’s just the way my gender works. Like a chameleon?


  23. Kate

    I feel this same way! The best I could do to explain it was “bisexual transman,” but even that doesn’t seem to be right. Maybe we’re all just incredibly queer!


  24. Sam

    Hey, I’ve never posted here before but I really wanted to after I found this:
    I feel the same way. I think. I’m actually not sure how to describe my sexuality and how it relates to my gender. I’m still figuring it all out. But this comes close to my feelings.
    When I’m attracted to men, I don’t like them in a stereotypical straight “bio female crushing on bio male” way. Usually. I am biologically female- and identify as such (most of the time)- but there are so many gender norms that I don’t follow. It’s not like I’m trying to rebel or act like “one of the boys” at all; I just want to act and behave the way I want to, regardless of my behavior being labeled as feminine or masculine. I just want to be me.
    A muddled paragraph but my point is: yes. The closest I feel when attracted to men, is that I like them from a gay male perspective. There have been times where I didn’t feel this way at all however.

    Sigh, I think I need that t-shirt really badly. With a footnote. Thank you Khaos for existing and being awesome.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I like Kate’s “Maybe we’re all just incredibly queer!” sentiment. Sounds good to me.


  25. Anonymous

    I’m polygendered, so I feel the same way (and no, that isn’t the same as “pangendered” and I’m NOT interested in arguing about it).

    The mere idea of being bisexual makes me ill. My body isn’t even male or female, so how could I accept a set of beliefs that claim I have to be?


  26. AJ Stuhrenberg

    You described it perfectly; I feel the exact same way. It’s complicated to explain to someone else though.


  27. Anonymous

    I feel the same way too, except that my attraction to men is negligible.


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