I wonder

Someone wrote…

My girlfriend tells me that she likes me as “female.” She doesn’t want to date a boy. I wonder if this is helping me to accept myself as female, or if it’s just damaging my true transsexual identity.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on August 28th, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 16 comments »

16 Responses to “I wonder”

  1. Jenn

    Julian- From my experience, you can’t let what others want or even what they see in you dictate who you are or who you become. What matters is what makes you most comfortable. Male, female, neither, both, it’s your call. You have to find what fits and let yourself be who you are. Acceptance comes, not from others accepting us, but from us learning that we were made as we were intended to be, and that it is totally okay to live our lives in a way that we are happy and comfortable with.

    Your girlfriend should support you in your transsexual journey, but you shouldn’t depend on that support to find your own self-acceptance. If your girlfriend is going to be in your life for any period of time, she has to have an unconditional and accepting love of you as a person, not a gender. She has the right to prefer to date females, but she must also understand the spectrum of trans-ness and that your exact identification is up to you.

    “I am me, and that is who I am going to be. Even if ‘me’ is a different person from day to day, I’m going to do what makes ME happy and comfortable with myself. The acceptance and approval of others is appreciated, but not required.”
    -This is what I tell myself every morning. It’s still a struggle, but it helps remind me to not depend on others for my happiness.


    julian replied:

    Just clarification I’m Julian, and I curate the GF “Your Voice” posts. This is an anonymous submission from one of our readers, not from me. :D Usually if someone does attribute a quote it will say their name at the top of the submission.



  2. AJ

    You are who you are. If you want to embrace who you are now as well as where you’ve come from, then do it.


  3. Taisho/Tai

    I had almost the same reaction from my ex boyfriend who was also my best friend. He said just today that if I care about how he feels about my transition to male, I wouldn’t do it. It hurts me so much that he feels that way. He made it clear that he was against it from the moment he found out why I’d gone to see my doctor earlier this year.
    But it doesn’t matter how he feels. I still know what I want and makes me more determined to go through with it.

    I wish you the best of luck with your situation and hope you remain strong throughout.


  4. Nomi

    Your first priority should be to make yourself happy. It’s unreasonable for anyone to tell you that your first priority should be to make /them/ happy.


  5. Len

    Maybe you should ask her if she wants to date *you*. If she does, she’ll accept the real you, not the standards she’s set for you as her lover. It could hurt her, but I imagine not more than her opinion has hurt you. Maybe you’ll lose her as lover if she strongly prefers dating females, but that’s not the end of the world and she shouldn’t try change her sexuality.
    Btw, giving acceptance of your bio-sex a try is not necessarily a bad thing, but if it doesn’t make you happy or feels wrong, don’t force it on yourself. Anybody worth doing it for won’t ask you to do it.


  6. Jenna

    Does this even have to be an issue? If she likes you, she likes you. If she doesn’t, you have a problem you need to deal with. But don’t let your gender identity invade every other aspect of your life, just be you.


  7. l

    I think you have the right to be yourself, and she has the right for her sexual orientation. not everybody is pansexual. she may still love you whatever you do with your gender, however people stop finding another person sexually attractive sometimes for smaller reasons, and transitioning is a big deal. I think unfortunately we cannot force some things, and we shouldn’t judge.


  8. Dale

    Don’t care what other people want you to do! The same thing happened to me. My girlfriend told she that she’s a lesbian and didn’t want to date a guy. That really hurt me. But I realized that I AM a boy. If she doesn’t want to date a boy, then she doesn’t want to date ME. So we ended it.


    CN replied:

    Put yourself in her position. Would you like to date a boy? Would you want her the same if she transitioned? Maybe you would. Just asking…
    And don’t get me wrong. I agree that you should do what feels right for you. And try to find somebody that is right for the real you.
    But it’s different when you start a relationship and one side suddenly (or not) changes their gender. You must take it into account that it may be hard (or not) for the other person.


    Samson replied:

    Possible food for thought: Are they really “changing” their gender, or just finding a more apt label for how they feel, or being more explicit about how they feel? Or maybe changing their body to match how they feel?

    Personally I think that you just feel how you feel–and it’s interesting to watch people’s perceptions of you change as you apply different descriptors to it or change the body that goes with it. If their feelings for you change based on these things, what were they valuing in the first place? What were they attributing to you based on that label or body?

    (Not trying to be on a high horse, here–I’m certainly guilty of this. Just food for thought.)


    CN replied:

    I totally understand the aspect of not “changing” the gender in the case of transition, I used a wrong word. And I do believe that one should adjust the body to the way they feel insight. However, the body IS important, otherwise nobody would change it. It may be as important for the person transitioning as it is for the person who started a relationship with the person who is transitioning (if it wasn’t the deal from the beginning)

  9. GWP

    Live fully as the person you truly are. And your partner’s sexual orientation doesn’t have to be a judgement, either. She can love and respect you while being unable to change who she really is. But that doesn’t mean you need to compromise. Pay attention to your journey, your needs.

    She could be being honest without the intention or feeling of judgement. You be honest, and love yourself.


  10. Jessica

    I’ve hear them say the word forever
    But I don’t know if words have meaning
    When they are promised in fear of losing
    What can’t be borrowed, or lent in blindness
    Or blessed by pageantry, or sold by preachers
    While we’re still walking our separate ways

    Sometime we bind ourselves together
    And seldom know the harm in binding
    The only feeling that cries for freedom
    And needs unfolding, and understanding
    And time for holding a simple mirror
    With one reflection to call your own

    (from Richard & Mimi Farina’s Reflections in a Crystal Wind)


  11. Anonymous

    Definitely understand how you feel. An unrequited love of mine finally admitted the only reason they wouldn’t go out with me was that my lack of gender identity made them uncomfortable. I wouldn’t have gone for one or the other to please them, in the end i probably would have ended up worse off.


  12. essejz

    I was thinking about this post for awhile… this is a really tough situation. When I was in college, I thought I was attracted to transmen because most of the ones i encountered were just beginning the transition, so they still read as dykes to me. Now that I know transmen who fully pass as male, I’m not attracted–I am just not attracted to men. I think if this is the case for your girlfriend, it’s important that she voice that to you. It’s not a rejection of you or your personality–I have lots of close male & transmale friends, but I don’t want to date them.

    As for you: I think you need to explore your feelings regardless of your girlfriend (obvz). I also think there’s a lot of pressure put on butch women to identify as transmale; people have asked me when i’m going to transition etc b/c of my gender presentation & i’m like–“I’m female.” It took me a long time to accept being a masculine-looking / identifying woman. It’s important to be able to accept yourself with love no matter where you decide you fall on the gender continuum. If your girlfriend can help you figure that out, then the more power to you both; if she’s holding you back, you need to leave.


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