Someone wrote…

Ouch. Someone told me I’m “definitely not androgynous.” Not your place to decide my identity, sorry.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on April 16th, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 12 comments »

12 Responses to “Ouch.”

  1. themarxistbagel

    That can be so difficult to hear, but that is definitely have the right response. You know who you are and you’re allowed to present that identity that seems natural to you.

    You never have to be “androgynous enough” for someone else’s opinion!


  2. Jay

    Don’t you just love it when people think they’re the ones who get to define who YOU are?


    If you say you’re androgynous, you are. There’s no two ways about it.


  3. amy

    Somebody said this to me also, it was because I have a big chest and don’t bind EVERYDAY so obviously I am suchagirl. Ooookay, sorry I feel like breathing today. >.>

    I feel your pain, that’s what this site is for. <3


  4. Oliver

    “Oh, do list the criteria I must meet!” would be my response. Then put on your most inanely cheerful face.


  5. Lyn Aven

    I labeled myself as androgyne briefly while I was still learning about my identity. I was told that there’s no such thing as neutral, that I’m a man, that it’s okay for a man to be girly but he’s still a man.


  6. Rhube

    Lyn Aven: I hate it when people think they know everything about gender. “You can’t be both! That’s not possible!” Righttt. I once had a conversation with this person who INSISTED on knowing my sex, because telling him that I didn’t identify in the gender binary, and was two-spirited wasn’t enough. He claimed that I needed to tell him, because if I was a “girl” then he could talk to me about malls and stuff, and if I was a “boy” then he could talk abotu football. I was like “No, not how that works.” He was pretty insistant that I had to be one or the other, there was no in between or beyond.
    Anyway, all this is to say, I’ve seen you around Gaia TG. Cool.


  7. Dream

    I know how much that can hurt, especially when you don’t want to appear as one specific gender. I remember getting such priceless lines as “But I know you’re a boy… boy boy boy.” and “You have to be a guy, you’re so tall.” *facepalm* yeah, that’s totally how it works, my genitalia, which you have never seen, completely define how I, and apparently everyone else, see the world, and define ourselves. [/sarcasm]

    Anyway, the Marxist Bagel said it best, “You never have to be ‘androgynous enough’ for someone else’s opinion!”


  8. Anonymous

    iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii fucking hate that. I have this friend who because he’s 40 and works in a bar thinks he knows everything that’s everything in the queer community and I’ve long since learned not to talk about anything gender related with him or I’ll get invalidated into next week.

    He seriously once told me I couldn’t be femme b/c I don’t look good in a sarong.


  9. Lilybean

    I find comfort in remember that it’s only been a few decades since gays started getting right. If you think about it, many of those bigots are still around. A couple of generations and the world will be better.

    Bring on reincarnation?


  10. Lilybean


    (I figured the second correction was pretty essential…!)


  11. Samson

    On the flip side, a bit: what bothers me is the idea that seems to be unspoken but prevalent in my community that to be an androgyne/genderqueer/queer, you must look androgynous. Sick of it. We shouldn’t have to change our bodies to fit someone else’s idea of our identity.


  12. Logan

    I completely understand. Great attitude though, you are completely correct. No one has a right to decide how you identify. I have received this along with “you cant be butch…” and such. People focus on their perception of your features instead of relying on how you tell them you identify, which is the only thing that matters in this case. You are androgynous to us I can be sure, and definately to me.


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