Profile: Otis
You can call me… Otis
I identify as… ..a severly confused individual. Genderqueer at heart. Female for my family and coworkers. Lesbian to my friends and girlfriend. Society haunts me. I care too much about the people who care about me. I am afraid to break their hearts… even though it is breaking mine.
I’m attracted to… Girls. Femmes, bois and genderqueers.
When people talk about me, I want them to… talk about my art. And how I am such a critic, to everyone but myself.
I want people to understand… That I fight with myself everyday. I want so bad to move to somewhere where I can create a clean slate. I moved around a lot as a kid and was able to change myself periodically… Now that I am old enough and have the job, life, girlfriend… I feel trapped.
About Otis
I’m a young photographer. Obsessed with sex and sexuality. Frustrated with the paths I have chosen. Too weak to steer away. Logic seems to rule over my beloved spontaneity. I want to be a cowboy when I grow up.
» Define yourself. «
Category: profiles 20 comments »
January 19th, 2010 at 4:44 pm |
i actually understand everything you’ve said because i feel the exact way. granted im not able to chnge myself with moving but to the world im what they want me to be.
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January 19th, 2010 at 5:16 pm |
Wow…you sound just like me. I compleatly understand the wanting to move away to start over…Why does it have to be so hard.
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January 19th, 2010 at 5:55 pm |
I know what you mean about the logic. I want so much to be crazy and spontaneous and live in the moment, and then my inner responsible adult takes over.
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January 19th, 2010 at 6:27 pm |
Wow you are gorgeous and I know a lot of us feel this way.
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January 19th, 2010 at 8:34 pm |
To make the feeling of being trapped 100 times worse have kids.
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January 19th, 2010 at 10:42 pm |
That description really hit home.
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January 19th, 2010 at 11:02 pm |
Hi Otis, I know you! :)
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January 20th, 2010 at 4:57 am |
I hear you on many, many things you said. Nice to meet you.
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January 20th, 2010 at 10:42 am |
Thanks for the comments guys…I submitted this a long time ago! Its cool to see it up here.
Hey Zoltar!!! Whats shakin!
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January 20th, 2010 at 10:57 pm |
Otis this is a really amazing profile. It feels beautiful and sad.
I hope it is not inappropriate to say this. About being trapped and weak. Sometimes I feel I need to *do* something to get out of whatever trap I’m in. And then I think I lack the courage or energy or whatever. What I have found easier is to stop doing things. Like to stop doing what it is that I don’t like. Stop getting in my own way. Let things fall where they fall. That doesn’t take very much energy . . it frees up a lot of energy. A lot of traps take tremendous energy to maintain. I like to let go of the reins and see what happens.
anyways thank you for sharing this and showing your beauty and your struggle.
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January 21st, 2010 at 5:01 am |
That was really well written. And I also liked the 10th comment by anon.
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January 21st, 2010 at 11:44 am |
I really enjoyed this profile, a lot of what you said I could so closely relate to. We’re even both photographers, haha! But really, so true about logic taking over our spontaneity…
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January 25th, 2010 at 1:36 am |
You are amazing. Reading your profile made me cry, because society chooses different paths for us, ones we take based upon our unconditional love for family and friends. I wish for your to be yourself. Because so many people will still love you; I know I will.
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January 27th, 2010 at 1:52 pm |
So the last bit of your profile really spoke to me.
I also moved around a lot as a kid and had those same opportunities to redefine myself every year or so. Even as an adult, though I’m stuck in my current town for a while, I travel excessively to other cities just so I can be whoever I want to be when I get there – I try on alternative identities for a week at a time and see what fits.
The big new thing I’m trying right now, however, is bringing those bits of self back home with me and sharing them with the people who care about me.
In a lot of ways the lack of stability growing up really helped me – I got some prodigious social skills out of it – but it also slowed my development of a coherent sense of self. It’s hard to tell what color a chameleon really is, you know?
Anyway – anytime some new identity conflict popped up, I’d just wait it out, figuring I’d deal with it when I moved again. I never sought a community of like minded people – I just moved on and pretended I’d always been middle class or a lesbian or an athlete or genderqueer or whatever it was that I really was.
Dealing with identity crises like that is easy. It’s private and it’s comfortable and it’s safe – but it’s not the only way and it’s certainly not the best way when you’re “trapped” by the life you’ve built.
I can’t run right now and it sounds like you can’t either – it’s not ok to keep this stuff waiting for your clean slate. This stuff is happening within you whether you’re ready for it or not and it needs to be dealt with.
Everyone’s identity changes repeatedly over thier life span for – it’s normal and people expect it. Even if it comes between you and your job or you and your girlfriend – it’s your right to be who you are without having to run away, start over, and pretend the crisis itself never happened.
It will be tumultuous and uncomfortable but then it’ll feel better, in the end, than choking back this huge part of yourself for the next however many years.
You don’t need a clean slate somewhere new to embrace a new part of yourself, you just need to figure out what you want and trust that the world you’ve built for yourself will allow you the space to make it happen, even if you have to move a few mountains to get there.
In the meantime, thank you for sharing and I’ll think some good thoughts for ya.
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February 21st, 2010 at 6:57 pm |
Ur Cool! Props for being a photographer.? ?
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March 1st, 2010 at 5:29 pm |
I’m selfish enough to say that I’m slightly sad you cought so many’s eyes, you are absolutely beautiful. Both your picture and what you write. You completely took my breath away!
I just want to say 2 thing:
1. How can people truely love you if you won’t let them know you?
2. If you turn the page at every letter you spelled wrong, your story won’t be finished by the time the book runs out of paper.
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March 18th, 2010 at 4:01 am |
Hey there.
I just read this, and I’ve gotta say that I totally understand everything you’ve said.
I suffer from caring so much about anyone that it hurts as well. I completely understand that, and often find it more of a curse than a blessing, since I can hardly think of myself (though my parents insist I’m selfish, but hey – what do they know).
You sound like an amazing person, though, despite your self-identified “flaws” and your hardships. It’s totally cheezy and probably not at all what you want to hear (as I know I’ve heard it and been not-so-thrilled about it in certain situations), but just be true to yourself. You’ve got a lot going for you, no matter what other people say. Photography is beautiful – especially when done by someone who enjoys it. Your longing for understanding could make you a very good person to talk to others about your gender identity and that of others. You really could promote understanding, unless public speaking isn’t your thing, of course.
I wish you luck in the rest of your life, and I hope people really start understanding (both for you, me, and everyone). Oh and I like the name Otis. I plan on having a dog named Otis when I grow up :)
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May 5th, 2010 at 1:25 am |
hey…your doin it~getty up :)
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June 2nd, 2010 at 3:58 pm |
I know exactly how you feel, and I don’t think it’s going to get any better soon. I wish I knew how to reinvent myself but I am too many things to too many people to change now.
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June 5th, 2010 at 3:58 am |
uummmmm sooooo not to be all shallow but you’re hot
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