Question: Living a Lie

Chace asks…

I’m tired of being told not to be butch, but I have no idea how to tell the important people in my life, who see me as a woman, that I’ve been living a lie. I’m not a boy, I’m not a girl. I’m a queer pansy gentleman and I’ll act like one and be loved as one. What’s a good way to explain to them that I’m just not a girl?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on May 30th, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 10 comments »

10 Responses to “Question: Living a Lie”

  1. Taylor

    Exactly how I feel except I feel like both a boy and a girl.
    I’m so confused.


  2. Ophelia

    It sounds like you did a pretty good job up above! Tell them it’s what makes you happy and real; the reasons why, if there are any, ought not to matter.


  3. S

    When I came out, that’s exactly what I said. I just said, “I’m not a girl.” Then I went on to explain I wasn’t a boy either, that I was an androgyne. Just tell them straight out.


  4. Jak

    Agreed with the above. I explained it pretty much like that. Not everyone got it at first but they will eventually.

    @Taylor – There is a good community on LJ called bigendered that you might want to look at.


  5. Jessica

    @Taylor – You are NOT confused. Confused is defined as being “unable to think clearly or to understand something.”
    You can think clearly and you understand your gender very well. It is other people who are confused. They can’t think clearly and do not understand you.

    Tell them that the role model they want you to conform to is modeled on a second class citizen and you have no intention of trying to become one of those. Women have been fighting for centuries not to be constrained into subordinate and subservient roles, responsibilities and behaviors. This is not the same thing as being like a man, except insofar as you want to be a person who is accorded equal respect to that accorded any man. It’d be nice if you got equal pay, too, but you will have to go to Europe if you want to actually get that as a legal right.


  6. Dru

    “Queer pansy gentleman” – I like that phrase. I feel similarly.

    “I’m tired of being told not to be butch” – Same!
    For me, It is not that I feel like a girl or a boy. I do not particularly feel like either but nor do I particularly feel like I am not either. I am just tired of being told not to be butch. And I like my version of things.


  7. Samson

    A tip of the hat to you for your courage, queer pansy gentleman.


  8. Cazzie

    I totally get what you mean. I’m facing the same problem right now. Why does everyone think it’s so okay to stuff each other into molds of what some ancient ignorant white guy decided was the “right” way for a man to act and the “right” way for a woman to act? Why is everyone expected to pick one or the other? I wish my mom could get what I’m asking when I question what she’s always known.


  9. Jessica

    Cazzie: “According to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, there are rules that determine the reaction of most life forms to emerging technologies: 1. Anything that is in your world when you were born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way things work. 2. Anything that is invented int he first third of your lifespan, is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. 3. Anything invented once you’re middle aged is against the natural order of things…”

    I remember hearing John Griffin talking about discussing his book “Black Like Me” with his father before he did it. His father was very much against the idea of a white man, in 1959 turning himself black and going down to live as a black man in Louisiana and Mississippi. All of his father’s objections boiled down to the fact that he was afraid for his son. Well, your mother loves you and most of her objections probably boil down to a lot of the same feelings of uncertainty, fear, and a feeling that you are putting yourself in harms way for reasons she doesn’t understand.

    John thanked his father for raising him to be a man with the moral courage to do the right thing, even in the face of considerable personal danger.

    Breaking gender roles is an idea that takes time to percolate through all the hegemonic baggage we all carry about with us. It makes many other things uncertain, which were before commonly understood. Since you were born, your mother understood her role to you as her (guessing here) daughter, but now she has to re-evaluate her role as the mother of her son (again guessing). Or if you’re pangender, she’s got to define a whole new role for which no model is available off the shelf. It’s a lot to ask of someone who obviously gives a damn and cares about you.


  10. Ark

    I used to say, “I’m not a girl,” so many times to people that my own parents began to harass me. Yeah, it was a shock and messed me up, but then one day I just said, “You know what? Screw this.”

    I say to them, “If you have questions, ask them. But don’t go around being an asshole because you don’t understand how painful it is when you treat me like crap. If you can’t get over your own bull, then fine. But I’m not letting you ruin my life anymore- if you can’t understand, again, ask questions. Don’t just sit there and be an ass- because that’s what you’re being when you’re sarcastic or when you say things like ‘Well what am I supposed to do about it?’ I’ve already TOLD you. Stop treating me like a woman. There are many more things than male or female, and if you can’t treat me like a man, than it’s up to YOU to understand how to stop being sexist.”


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