Question: Meet the Parents- the genderqueer edition

itsbetterbarefoot asks…

Hello friends. I am a biologically identified queer woman. I have been seeing a trans man for a little bit now, and I think I’d like to keep him around. He recently asked me what my parents would say if they knew I was dating a trans man. The same question has been on my mind for a while. My mother is supportive of my queer identity, but my father mostly ignores it. My mom and I are very close, and it is difficult to hide anything from her. How do you bring up such a topic to those you love who may not be so familiar with queer issues? Any thoughts would be helpful…

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Posted by on May 25th, 2010 at 04:00 pm

Category: questions 7 comments »

7 Responses to “Question: Meet the Parents- the genderqueer edition”

  1. Carolyn

    I’m also a cisgendered queer woman dating a transman. I told my parents straight out after about a week of dating. I just said _______ was born female but identifies as a man. At the time, my mom did not know I was queer, so I added in, for me this means I am pansexual and I just like people, despite of sex or gender. Since they already know you’re queer, I would just make sure they understood what it meant for him to be trans, and that they use the correct pronouns. This is who you are. This is who your partner is. If they don’t accept it, it’s not the end of the world. My parents are tolerant of it. They’re not ecstatic, which was rough at first, but after awhile, the only thing that matters is how you feel, and not what they think.


  2. Lexi

    I’d say it isn’t an issue, especially if he identifies as a transman (i.e. he’s a man…) unless of course you give sexual details to your parents, which is HIGHLY unusual.

    The best way, personally, to not make things an issue is, well, to not make them an issue. Compare: telling the truth if they happen to ask; to throwing a party to anounce you’re dating a transdude.


  3. Joel

    Being a transman myself, I’d have to share Lexi’s sentiment, that I don’t think it’s something you should feel obligated to tell but it’s also not something to lie about should it come up. Seeing as your partner is just as male as any bio-male there’s not much to say. I won’t assume he’s stealth because I don’t think you’d be willing to out him like that but even so, if I were in his shoes I wouldn’t like that to be the first thing my partner’s parents knew about me. After all, essential you’re telling them what’s in his pants and that’s not any of their business.


  4. Rose

    I told my parents at dinner one night by simply stating “so, I have a boyfriend now.” My mom looked confused for a moment, as I had come out to her only months before telling her that I had started dating girls. She had been embracing my queer side and telling her about the bf I think was startling. So I elaborated and said “…He’s transgendered.” Her expression changed from confused to a look of ‘oh that makes sense’ and immediately started asking questions about him (she wanted to be educated, she wasn’t interrogating or being rude). Coming out to your parents on any level can be nerve-wracking, but sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised at the response you’ll get, especially if you say your mother is supportive of your queer identity.


  5. alice

    i say don’t really bring it up. let them meet him first and get to know him. don’t hide the fact but let them know if it come up in conversation (i’m not sue why it would but…). keep it normal and simple, like you would any other relationship.


  6. Jessica

    You don’t want to perpetuate deliberate falsehoods between yourself and your parents. On the other hand, I agree with Rose, whose tale said to me that there are so many other more important things about the person you’re dating than this person’s gender. Tell them the things you like about this person, the things that you don’t like, share your feelings and if you think it might be divisive tell them he’s trans as an oh-by-the-way.


  7. Dru

    You could ask him how he thinks you should handle it.


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