Radically queer heart.

Katherine wrote…

I want language for my identity that’s not defined by my partner’s identity, that doesn’t give primacy to their gender because it’s somehow “queerer” and thus higher on a hierarchy of the anti-heteronormative. I don’t think my queerness should be judged and found wanting because my gender performance matches my biological sex.

Is there a home somewhere for a radically queer heart in a normatively gendered body?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on January 1st, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 3 comments »

3 Responses to “Radically queer heart.”

  1. Love.

    I’m dating a genderqueer FTM, and I feel the same way. I’m comfortable in the skin I was born into, but my heart is as queer as it gets.


  2. Mercury Mars

    the wording of this question is incredibly difficult to understand. you want a word for yourself that does not focus on the identity, presumably gender identity, of your partner. cool, i think queer fits the bill, because it doesn’t specify. when it continues into “that doesn’t give primacy to their gender because it’s somehow ‘queerer’…” i am lost. how does any sort of language or title give “primacy” to the gender or gender identity of someone’s partner? i guess if you are specifically talking about your own situation and you have a partner that has a queer gender identity, this would make more sense. are you saying you are given titles like “someone who is dating a MTF” for example to say who you are? is the queer gender of a partner making them the defining factor of why your relationship is queer? what makes you queer?


  3. Tamar

    i sympathize. i hate the fact that a (perceived) man and a (perceived) woman walking down the street holding hands are generally assumed to be a straight couple. 2 men doing this are assumed to be gay and 2 women to be lesbian. in fact, none of these assumptions are necessarily true. any of these people could be GLBT, pansexual, unlabeled, or otherwise queer.

    i’m a cis-gendered female and have a pretty feminine gender presentation. based on my physical appearance, people usually assume that i’m straight. wrong. in terms of my sexual orientation, i identify as pansexual (interested in people, regardless of their sex and gender). however, i’m assumed to be either straight or lesbian, depending on who i’m walking down the street with. this frustrates me; my sexual orientation and the rest of my identity should not hinge on who my partner is. sometimes i look around me and ask myself, “how many people are assuming that i’m straight right now?” the answer is usually “all of them,” unless i have specifically told them otherwise.

    furthermore, sometimes other members of the queer community make me feel uncomfortable/insecure about my gender presentation, implying that i don’t “look queer enough,” whatever that means. i have gotten comments such as “your nails are too long to be gay.” wtf? am i supposed to walk around wearing a sandwich board reading “i like men, women, and people who don’t identify with the gender binary?” that seems ridiculous, but maybe it would get my point across…as well as invite a ton of questions.

    in terms of your identity, are “queer” or “cis-gendered” terms that you might want to incorporate into your description of yourself? it might feel awkward, but if you mention to people that you identify as cis-gendered, they’ll probably pick up on the fact that you’re in tune with the queer community in some sense or have at least thought about queer issues. you’ll probably also find that in areas with large queer populations, there’s more safe space for queer people with varied gender presentations. good luck!


Leave a Reply

Can I show your picture? If you have a Gravatar associated with this email address, it will be displayed as your photo. If not, I'll just put a picture of a fork next to your comment. Everybody likes forks.

Be nice. Judgmental comments will be quietly deleted and blacklisted. There's plenty of room for those elsewhere on the web.

For legal reasons, you must be age 13 or older to post a comment on Genderfork.

You can use some HTML tags for formatting, e.g. <em>...</em> for emphasis (italics) or <strong>...</strong> for strong emphasis (bold) or <a href="http://(url)">...</a> for links.

Back to top