Too unacceptable.

Someone wrote…

I have never daydreamed about my wedding day because the only thing that comes to mind is how I long to wear a tuxedo and how that will probably be too unacceptable to everyone else.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on June 10th, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 21 comments »

21 Responses to “Too unacceptable.”

  1. Lanthir

    To hell with everyone else! Wear your tuxedo; you’ll be gorgeous!


  2. --Z--

    I’ve felt the same way, only in reverse. I should be the one in the dress, or at least *one* of the ones, and that’ll never work.


  3. Rebekah

    Whenever I thought about the chance of me getting married, I always imagined myself in a nice suit – never in a dress.

    I say to hell with it. It’s your wedding, do what you like.


  4. epinards

    Solution: only invite people to your wedding who really love you and who really can dedicate themselves to supporting your relationship. Then you can dress how you want because those people will WANT to see you at your happiest.

    In my best friend’s case, this required her to not invite her own mother. That was 30 years ago. Her mom is still pissed at her about it. But she had a beautiful wedding, and more importantly she has a beautiful marriage that started off on exactly the right foot.


  5. Anonymous

    As long as I can avoid the weird patriarchal tradition of being “given away” by my father, I will be relatively satisfied.

    Honestly, I plan on eloping to avoid the friction, as long as my significant other can be convinced.


  6. Ame*

    When I was 8 I had my Holy Communion and I wore a velvet suit. My family is quite religious, and my mum took me shopping for days trying to convince me to buy something else. In the church, I was sitting between a girl in a pink skirt and a boy in a grey plain suit. I was so proud of doing what I felt it was right for me :)

    Silly childhood stories aside,I think, when it’s a matter of social conventions and expectations, we come first. The clothes I want to wear the day of my wedding is exclusively my business. So I say hell! do what makes you feel good and get married with a smile on your face! That’s what it’s all about :)


  7. Cyd

    When my school prom was coming up, all the girls were going dress shopping and talking about hair and make-up. I spend ages wandering around looking at suits, wishing I could wear one. I ended up not going.

    Now I’ve got a little more courage, I’m planning on saving up and buying a proper, tailored suit. I’ve always wanted one.


  8. Keanan

    Like the others said. To hell with the other people, only invite the people who truly cherish who you are. Rock that tux.

    Cyd- That’s too bad you didn’t go. I went to my formal and prom this year and after many talks with my parents, they let me wear a suit for both occasions. No one really cared, in fact they all though it was cool.


  9. Kevin

    I wore a dress to my prom. I thought it would be a nice change to just fit in with my classmates for once, and it was, but I spent way too much time envying my friends’ dates for their snazzy tuxes.

    Next ‘dress-up’ event I go to (that’s not in the summer, because skirts are just more comfortable than pants in the heat) I am going to wear a tie.


  10. Jack

    I spent the past four years imagining/dreading something similar about my graduation. My school doesn’t do caps and gowns, rather ‘formal wear’, which means the expectation has been a dress for years now. I ended up getting up the balls to politely-yet-firmly insist on what I wanted to wear for my special day, and my mother astounded me by responding with a shopping trip to pick out white Victorian-esque gentlemen’s attire and the simple comeback of ‘My kid’s being my kid’ when my more dubious relatives raised eyebrows. It’ll be your day and your partner’s, ultimately – you’ll wear what fits you best, and the people who love and know you will hopefully realise you’re just being honest to yourself. :) I didn’t think it could happen, but I can now promise you these things are possible.


  11. Nick

    I’m more worried about what people will force me to wear at my funeral.

    ok. too dark.
    something positive.
    In my ideal wedding dream, my husband is wearing a white dress.


  12. Dru

    I haven’t daydreamed about it because I do not want to get married. (I never wanted to as a child either.)

    But recently I thought, If I did what would I wear?
    It occurred to me I would like to wear a suit top with a skirt bottom.

    Formal wear is so much more specifically gendered than casual wear…


  13. Jay

    Jack: I am so envious of you and your mother, in the best possible way.

    I caved in and got a dress for my prom, which I’m both happy & sad about – happy, because I like the dress and do like to dress feminine every now and then, but sad, because of the way I know people will react (the classic “OMG! You look like a girl!”).

    I say, to the OP, do what you like, if at all possible, no matter how slim the chance. But I totally empathize.


  14. Momo

    I went to prom this year, I went with gray dress slacks a white button down shirt, and a black vest. I was the only “girl” who was not wearing a dress (including openly gay girls who are usually androgynous) I went, had fun, had the first dance of the night, with one of my best girl friends, and had the attention of the girl I really like ^^, It was a night I’ll never forget.


  15. Gib

    If I were ever to get married, I doubt there would be a suit OR dress among the various main people. To me, it would feel traditional in a bad sense: too boring. Too played-out. Cis, trans, or queer, there have been millions of people in those typical formal attires getting married before. I would want to do something individual. Something for myself. Something I thought was fun, no matter what anyone else could say.

    I would totally wear a toga.


  16. Meirion

    It doesn’t matter what anyone else finds ‘acceptable.’ I’ve even known a few cisgendered heterosexual women who wore tuxes to their weddings, just because they liked the look better. Unless you have truly hyper-conservative relatives they probably won’t even say anything, and if you’re not out yet simply wearing a tux isn’t likely to change that.


  17. nick

    If you’re in your 20’s now, remember: your parents probably grew up in the 70’s and 80’s when wearing jeans was an act of liberation for women.
    Many women for married in jeans in those days, it’s not unlikely your mom did.


  18. Ark

    When I got “married,” I didn’t even bother doing it legally. I could have because my legal sex is the opposite of the legal sex of my partner- but neither of us gave much thought to doing it that way. I didn’t invite anyone to the ceremony other than a few of his friends (which have become mine also), and the both of us wore clothing so outrageous! White silk with lots of gold accents and flowy material. I thought he looked really good in it myself (the fellow is BUILT).

    He’s never cared in the least about anything to do with gender, but he will go off like a mad dog when people try to call me his “wife.” That was the main reason I didn’t bother inviting anyone to the ceremony- I mentioned we were engaged a while ago and someone made a stupid “You’ll make a good wife,” comment. Last I checked, I am far too masculine to be anyone’s wife… and well, Kael doesn’t ID as male anyway. He sure looks it with those muscles, but if you’re around him long enough you’ll notice…

    So, don’t let it worry you. You CAN dream of wearing a tuxedo, because you CAN wear one. It took me years to be able to even face the idea of being different. Once I forgave myself, I was okay. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing you can do, because it involves LOVING yourself. But it’s certainly worth it.


  19. CJ

    I say go for it! It’s -your- wedding and -your- life, not theirs, after all. Plus, if you’re going to spend that much money on it, have it the way that you want! There is absolutely nothing unacceptable with getting married and looking great while doing it, and if people think that there is then they need to deal with that themselves, not you.


  20. Slink

    I’ve always dreamed of wearing a fitted tuxedo to my wedding. Dresses feel so wrong to me–I think I’m gorgeous in a suit.


  21. Claudius Maximus

    I am a suit and tie kind of girl. I love ties. My family and friends respect my choices and praise my good taste. I’ve implemente Tie Tuesdays for myself at work and my clients have grown used to seen me wearing a tie. I wear what I like and makes me comfortable.

    I would totally wear a tux for my wedding, except that I want to marry in Yosemite National Park. No formal attire just a short hike with family and friends to a beautiful place in nature with a quick ceremony and a BBQ in our campground to celebrate. Now I just need to find the girl that would go along with this plan and choose to spend some of her life with me. I am not worried we will find each other someday.


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