But it matters to me…

Someone wrote…

I told my mother I don’t know what I am anymore. She said she’ll love me all the same, so it doesn’t matter.

But it matters to me, and I don’t have anyone to talk to.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on May 5th, 2011 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 14 comments »

14 Responses to “But it matters to me…”

  1. Clare

    I sympathise – but if what you are is not cut-and-dried any more, perhaps that’s logical consequence of an increase in your understanding that the options are not always as clear as a society based on binary gender would have us believe.
    Your mother is probably struggling to catch up, but i bet she knows all about phases of life, and what a person may become given time. Maybe you could ask some specific questions along the lines of “What does it mean/what do i do if…..
    When you’re young you probably need lots of input – but these things WILL work out given time. All you have to do is to love yourself, dont do anything too quickly and wait for the answers to appear…..and they will.


  2. Anonymous

    You are loved…That is one thing you are :)


  3. Jessica

    You can talk to me anytime.

    It can be quite a misunderstanding to assume that just because a person is old, they don’t understand what young people understand. My late friend Sybil was the “kept woman” of a Broadway producer in New York in the 1920’s. To hear a lot of people talk, gay people, lesbians, transfolk were invented in the 1970’s, but in some of her wonderful stories, all these people were just part of the everyday landscape fifty years before that. Now, in rural Idaho, some changes take longer to percolate into the neighborhood….


  4. Toni

    I feel the same way. sometimes i think my mom’s just says shes ok with it, to avoid the subject. we never talk about it. it’s really hard going through something a lot of people do not have to deal with. it’s scary at times going through things alone. this site is close to a blessing. i can check it anytime and see that there are people in this world that are sorta like me.


  5. Meike

    I feel the same way sometimes. I know I have people to talk to, too, but sometimes I just feel so alone in myself in regards to whoever I am. Big huge question marks are not comfortable at all. Hang in there! I’m always around to talk with, too, if you need anything.


  6. Anonymous

    Is it because you don’t have a label for yourself?

    The part about this stuff being really confusing is seconded.


  7. Adair

    Have you tried writing her an email or letter explaining some of what you’re going through? That way, if she’s brushing aside your concerns because she’s uncomfortable, doesn’t know what else to say, or just thinks all you do need is to know she accepts you, she’ll have to read your concerns.

    I just sent my mom an email talking about what it was actually like to be bisexual and genderqueer, even though I mentioned how I identified years ago and she said she accepted me. I agree with Jessica: my mom replied to my email telling stories of all the bisexuals she knew and so on. I think she still doesn’t get the gender thing, but sometimes it does take work to open up the conversation–but it’s worth it.

    I spent years not believing in bisexuality even though that’s how I identified and experienced the world (I was hit real hard by biphobia/biskepticism I encountered in school)–and all along my mom could’ve shared stories with me that would have validated my identity. She just didn’t know to, and I didn’t know to ask. So I’d encourage you to try.


    Jessica replied:

    Heterosexual is usually defined as someone whose sexual orientation is to find people of the opposite sex attractive. If you are sincerely and completely genderqueer, what exactly is an opposite sex?


    Adair replied:

    When I first started college, I was pretty active in the LGBTTQIAPPT-SS club, as it described itself, and someone asked me if being an androgyne meant I was straight to everyone. “No, if anything I’m gay to everyone,” I replied. But I did spend an inordinate time worrying about people perceiving me as straight, since it meant ignorance as to my orientation and my gender identity, both of which are pretty much invisible. No matter how hard I try complete strangers seem to have no trouble reading my body as my assigned gender. But I’m glad I’m bisexual because otherwise… well, I guess I’d just have to describe myself as androphile or gynophile. Or just smile and not label myself.


    Jessica replied:

    When people ask me what I am, I usually respond that I am “homo sapiens” – This can lead to some interesting double-takes.

  8. Anonymous

    I find it frustrating when someone I open up to about my alternative gender tells me it doesn’t matter or they don’t care, as though it is supposed to comfort me.


  9. Anonymous

    Such a great mom you have. ;__;
    Who will tell you about what you are? Not mom. You must find it out yourself, without her. Please, don’t take for granted her words – it’s already a big thing, believe me.


  10. Anonymous

    I’m with The anonymous comment (9) : it’s a valuable what she’s saying, presuming she means it, and she should do.

    I know this feeling though: its not that you dont know and you are and you’re okay with that. I feel that way sometimes. You just want to know, NOW! It just doesnt come that easily im afraid.

    And your mom wont tell you, but she can help you by doing all the good things moms do.

    If you wanna talk it over with her, maybe it would help if you simply pluck up the nerve and really push the subject?? Explain to her, in no uncertain terms, why you dont know who you are and why you’re not okay with this. Make her hear you. She still wont be able to tell you who you are, but she’ll have to at least acknowledge her chlid is suffering. And then she can get on with doing all the good things moms do to make it better. It’s really all she can do. And maybe by talking it about you’ll find some way, some words, or some story to describe yourself. Do, please, try and amke teh effort to talk to her about it. No parent wants to hear that tehir kid has no one to talk to.


    Meike replied:

    I’ve been finding this out the hard way recently, and as frustrating as it is it’s true; no one can tell you who you are other than yourself. My girlfriend tells me the exact same thing every day, that it doesn’t matter how I eventually identify, that she loves me for exactly who I am. But she also makes me understand that the only thing she can do for me is just be there for me, support me, and comfort me when I’m upset, because ultimately I’m the only one who can figure this out for myself. Keep your head up, you’ll get there eventually!


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