Good relationship stories?

Someone wrote…

The longest standing genderqueer couple I know’s relationship has just collapsed. Not only are they some of my best friends, they gave me hope that people could both look past my physicality and also cope with the issues concerning them & still be willing to be loved by me. I’m feeling a little low.

Could some of the readers share good relationship stories to cheer me up?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on June 8th, 2011 at 08:00 am

Category: questions, your voice 21 comments »

21 Responses to “Good relationship stories?”

  1. Anonymous

    So, I’m a FAAB genderqueer in a relationship with a cis man, who at the beginning of our relationship would probably have described himself as straight. Over the time we’ve been together, I’ve started dressing in an androgynous way, changed my name, and come out as genderqueer. He has been fabulously supportive about this – affirming my gender identity, telling his family about my name change, standing up to people when they say rude or ignorant things about transgender people. I feel like he appreciates me physically without denying my gender identity, and we’ve started having queerer, better sex. Basically, I feel ridiculously lucky to have found him.


    Bean replied:

    This is so wonderful for me to hear. Thank you.


  2. Emily

    I met my girlfriend when I was living as a boy, she was the first person I ever told I was transgender and she has been my best supporter in my transition :D
    Now we are a happy lesbian couple and we’ve been together for over 2 years.


  3. Sky

    I’m also a genderqueer person in a relationship with a cis straight man. I did not transition during our relationship, I came out a long time ago. I only dated womyn before him, so I suppose he is an “exception” for me. He still identifies as hetero and but we both see our relationship the same way: it is not a straight relationship, it is not a gay relationship, it is two people in love. Our sex is amazing and very queer. He came into the relationship with the slightly heterosexist (*he* is not heterosexist, this concept is) concept of “sex” meaning penis/vagina intercourse. It has been a process, him letting go of this understanding of sex, but he now accepts that we can have wonderful sex how ever we want, we are not limited to one single sexual narrative. Society and its expectations have no place in our relationship or in our bedroom.

    He is my strongest ally. He has become a trans activist. He caught on to my pronouns (ze/hir) quickly and educates others about the pronouns. He told his entire family about me being genderqueer and although some didn’t understand it, no one rejected it completely.

    He recently left for Afrika, where he is doing activist work for over 2 months. We both recently (in May) finished up our college coursework. When he comes back from Afrika, we both have no plans for the rest of our lives. He told me just before leaving that he wants to come back and live that whole life with me. I can’t wait. I want to wake up to him every morning and very very soon this will be a reality.


  4. Elijah

    I’m a transmasculine genderqueer person, and for a little over a year, I dated a transfeminine genderqueer person. We had a great romantic relationship, and although that dynamic has changed, we are still really good friends. We currently share an apartment, and enjoy each other’s company.

    We both got heavily involved in queer activism on our campus and helped organize some big events in our community. Right now we’re creating a workshop on trans and genderqueer education… it seems we’re always learning new things, especially about LBGTQA matters, and teaching each other and getting each other more involved.

    The dynamic between her and I is nontraditional and to a certain degree undefined… but I would absolutely say that it’s good. So have hope! Genderqueer people can totally be loving and loved, and even if it’s not romantic, it can still be a love between friends. People can totally look past your body and open themselves up to loving you and being loved by you as a genderqueer person.


  5. Alex

    I’m a trans guy (currently pre-everything) dating a cis man. I never thought I’d meet a cis queer guy who’d respect me as a man, and yet somehow I’ve found him. He likes the things about me that are masculine and never tries to make me be more of a girl. He is almost as excited about my transition as I am — I have a fairly large chest and he is the first guy I’ve ever dated who hasn’t made me feel bad for wanting it gone, for instance, and he loves my body hair and my masculine mannerisms. I don’t “pass” at all yet and he still sees me unwaveringly as a man, and loves me as his boyfriend.


    radical/rebel replied:

    this is one of the most inspiring things I’ve read in a very long time, and I’m really happy for you. best of luck, with yr transition, and everything!


  6. Juu

    When I was 14 years old I met a boy who a few months later became my first boyfriend. After a few months of dating he told me that he had been hiding the fact that he was FAAB from me and thought it would be fair I know.
    Identifying as a straight cis-female at the time, it was hard news to take…especially since this was the first time I had heard the term transgender. I constantly considered breaking up with him.
    Now, at the age of 16, our relationship is still going strong and I am so happy I decided to stay with him. We both support eachother in our identities (I now identify as genderqueer, questioning ftm) and he makes me the happiest person in the world.


  7. Accidental Beard

    My genderqueer partner and I (I am an only-sort-of-male-identified trans guy) have been together for about eight and a half years now. We’ve made it through mutual changes in names, pronouns, hormonal levels, and body-part-configuration, as well as a cross-country move last year. I have no idea what the future holds for us, but I feel like our relationship is *always* getting better. Neither of us have very “romantic” views of relationships in general or ours in particular, but it’s loving and supportive and really fantastic.

    I am certainly happier in this queer/genderqueer relationship than any other relationship I’ve had in the past. It is possible!


  8. Anonymous

    My love doesn’t need to look past my body; she looked straight at it and told me that it looked genderless, and that she loved it how it was and would still love it if I make changes to it in the future. She sees me as genderless even when I’m lamenting in front of a mirror. We break all the binaries, all the conventions. Romance/friendship, male/female, sexual/asexual — if there’s a barrier in sight, we sneak over it and go right on exploring. We’ve been close for three years and we’re only getting closer.


  9. Tchy

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for over two and a half years. When we started dating I was identifying as a moderately butch bisexual with a preference for women. Over the time we’ve been together, I have transitioned through questioning and genderqueer indentifications to finally settle on non-binary transmasculine, and from bisexual to pansexual to queer (with the fairly accurate joke from a friend that my orientation is just “sexual,” no prefix required).

    She’s been with me every step of the way, cheering me on, supporting me, and helping me battle through dysphoria; she’s the only person who never stumbled over my pronouns; she accepted my new boyname unquestioningly, and in fact far prefers it to both my old girlname and my androgynous nickname. She’s fought long and hard with her family members to make sure my name and pronouns are recognized, and says she just finds me more and more attractive the further into my transition I get. I’m now trying to take the next step and look into hormones and chest surgery, and she’s as excited as I am about it. Our relationship is very queer and has gone through a lot of changes, and we’ve weathered it all and held strong. I love her more than anything.


    Alex replied:

    *brofist* You both rock my world.


  10. Mym

    Eight years; two bouts of long-distance, one major illness, one fight with depression, one extended unemployment, one gender transition. Only get more in love.


  11. Ravyn

    Five or six years of amazement, that i, an m2x genderfluid person, and she, a bi, somewhat genderqueer person herself, could find love, following each others’ fluctuations in gender, in desire, not in spite of what we are, but precisely because of it.

    It’s past now, the big-R Relationship part, though the friendship is as strong as ever (and perhaps stronger). I’m a bit less fluid in my gender; she’s a bit less bi and more lesbian, and, well, things happen.

    And yet, it was very good.


  12. Y

    I’m a Canadian butch deeply in love with someone whose gender identity is unclear. We spent our first anniversary in Ventimiglia, and we’re coming up close to our second. I’m going to marry them someday.
    I had a moment of deep pride when, one day, a cis, straight male friend of mine told me that “if you two break up, love is dead to me.”


  13. Meike

    I met my girlfriend before anything related to my gender came into question. Now everytime I need support she’s the first one to offer it, and tell me almost every day that it doesn’t matter what the end result is, she’ll still love me for exactly who I am. We’ve been together for almost two years now. And even through the name and pronoun confusions, and from her going from calling me “girlfriend” to “boyfriend” or “[Name]friend,” we’re still going as strong as ever. :)


  14. Jessica

    My life partner and I have been together for almost 40 years. We explore, challenge, fight, makeup, comfort, and live a rich and varied life together. Neither of us is close to perfection. Some time ago, when I confessed to her that I was genderqueer, she asked me what I meant by the term. I gave my definition. She asked me why I thought I was the only genderqueer in the room – Her “everybody is genderqueer” blew me away.

    I am constantly amazed and dazzled by her grasp of everything and for me the surest test that I have really understood something that is real is when we talk about it and agree.

    We have not done this journey easily. Being with another person is difficult.
    Sometimes we make each other completely miserable, and sometimes we find perfection in the moment shared. Love is like that.

    There is no such thing as forever and there are no guarantees. But keep trying. Don’t give up. Love, laugh, cry, get angry, forgive – this is a process called life. Being human is the challenge – being trans is just a detail.

    Be alive together.

    Good luck!


    Dimmie replied:

    God, this is beautiful. I… I might have something in my eye. Yes. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.


  15. Heather

    There is someone out there for everyone. That one person who is all of the things that you need to feel loved, comforted, understood, challenged, and able to grow.

    I’m a cis female and am totally in love with my soulmate who is an ftm. I dont care about the scars on his chest from his surgery and he doesnt care about the scars on my abdomen from childbirth. I dont care that his adam’s apple is an implant and he doesnt care that im still 40 pounds overweight even though my baby is 3. He doesnt care about my facial piercings and i dont care about his retainer. He doesnt care about my cellulite and i dont care that his voice isnt deep.

    Love isnt about a body (though it is nice that we each find our genderbending sexy). He was always so blown away that i accepted him exactly as he is, physically and it helped him to accept more of his feminine side, seeing it how i saw it : beautiful. He thought, like probably a lot of people, that he would have to change more in one gender direction in order to be with a woman who wanted to be with a man. But i dont want him to change at all. At all.

    I love all of the aspects of who he is. We find ourselves in each other. We have not been together long, but it is only the beginning of something forever.


  16. schwuze

    I’m a genderqueer and my partner is a cis-girl. We’ve been together for a year and I’m totally in love with her. And she accepts me just the way I am. <3


  17. Nikola

    oh wow, so many of these are just gorgeous. I came late to the party, but thought i’d throw my deliciously complicated love life into the mix. I’m a CAFFAB genderqueer persyn who is anxiously looking forward to moving in with one of my squeezes, which should be happening at the beginning of july. This one is my Girl, my love, and my delightful adventure buddy. I actually met her through a long-term partner of hers(who i’m also currently exploring a relationship with). As well, I have a growing and amazing relationship with a trans womyn who i’ve known for some time. She gives me a sense of comfort and strength i have not found anywhere else. She’s also the partner of one of my best friends, and the two of them live together with afore-mentioned squeezes partner. Our managing all of our concurrent relationships can be rocky at times, but the rewards are absolutely worth it. I also have a more casual relationship with a cis-guy. He and i make things and create stuff and learn awesome things together. He also lives at a circus, so i hang out there far too much. I recently came out to all of them about wanting T, and the support i’ve received from all corners has been overwhelming. My squeezes and my metamours are all amazing folk that i cherish, and i don’t understand why i got so lucky,


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