I wish my mother can see…

Someone wrote…

I wish my mother can see that someone can be transgender and not be transexual. I want my body to have curves and I want to be feminine but I like my male parts.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on March 4th, 2011 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 15 comments »

15 Responses to “I wish my mother can see…”

  1. Jessica

    Many, many people don’t get this, not just mothers. In the concept of many (if not most) people having both male and female secondary sexual characteristics makes you a candidate for a freak show. Why do we want to do this to ourselves?

    As I have said elsewhere, before being trans, I gave my body no thought at all. It was like something I borrowed or rented to use. It is only since I have changed my body significantly that I feel like it is MY body. It expresses who I am and when I look int the mirror now, for the first time in my life, I say “oooh, yes…” I’m nowhere near perfect, but I am me.

    I do not know why this is so. It is hard for my partner. It may become hard for my children (who are mostly oblivious) but when it comes up, it may become something they will have to deal with… and I am sorry to be trouble in their lives. It was selfish of me, I know, but I hope that maybe someday they can see me as someone released from a long captivity – still an odd creature, but a free one.


  2. Aeryn

    I’m on the same lines. I know I would be happier having a feminine body but the parts I was born with are fine with me too. I’m only starting out on this journey but already feel more at peace. I still feel at odds with everything but I think that is partially due to feelings of trying to meet societies image of the ideal man or woman. I know who I am on the inside and am just trying to change the outside a little to help me feel more at home with myself.


  3. Anonymous

    I feel something similar but pretty drastically different. I wish that society as a whole, the trans* community in particular, and the especially the medical field could understand and affirm that somebody can be transsexual and not transgender. I’m transitioning to feel okay in my body, and rather dislike all the social stuff that’s attached to it. Can I be an ftm transsexual woman? Most doctors won’t go there.


    Riam replied:

    What do you mean? Transition physically to male but still identify as female?


    Anonymous replied:

    Tried to reply yesterday, but it seems it didn’t actually go through.

    Yes, that is what I mean.


    Peter replied:

    I hope this won’t coming off as rude. What is your motivation for transitioning to male if you identify as female?

  4. Nazza

    If I transitioned, it would require expensive surgery with money I do not have to look like a plausible woman. But even then, I don’t feel fully female. I’m not a woman. But I’m not a man, either. I’m a bit of both.

    Others have noted much the same thing as I. And as for my own mother, well, I keep it from her. Bisexual was tough enough. Tran-anything would only drive her away from me. I’m tired of the distance. I love my mother and I don’t want to be estranged again.


    Jessica replied:

    I feel much the same, but I did not begin my transition before my mother died. I wish she were here to tell. Sometimes I imagine what she might have said, but she was a pretty amazing person and would undoubtedly have said things I can’t make up for her.


  5. Stuart

    Mothers can be so beautiful that your bones ache, and so deeply wounding that you are sure the ground will crack open. I don’t have words for you, but I genuinely hear you.


  6. Milo

    I just talked to my mom about being FTM, and she is taking it moderately well… she keeps joking about it, though. I’m in that self-loathing stage where the sight of my breasts makes me want to vomit, and she’ll joke about making me try on a skirt in a store. I want to scream, “GEE, MOM, THANKS! It’s not like I just spent ten minutes crying in the Target bathroom about there not being boxers in my size or anything,” but I know that’s just her way of handling it.
    She said she’d rather have a happy kid living how they want than a sad kid. I noticed she specifically avoided male pronouns. I just want so much to change so fast. It isn’t going to happen, though. I feel like I’ll never get T, or top surgery, because my mom will always be hesitatant about helping me because my dad is a psychopath.
    I’ll always be her first daughter (typing that makes me want to cry) and I hate ruining that for her. It’s so hard for moms with trans* kids.


  7. Jordan

    Aeryn: I’m wondering if your story is mine too. I would have liked to have been born in different circumstances, but I don’t exactly hate the body I’m living in… I’d just like to make it a lot more ambiguous. How and how much I need is the next question.


    Aeryn replied:

    That is always the question. And something each of us has to decide on our own. I personally feel that getting a more feminine body will help my mind be at peace with my body. I’m not going to give up the adventure lifestyle that I yearn to lead so thus I’m still going to dress like a Tomboy or male. This is mostly due to the fact that the things I wear need to last and not be flimsy. I’m just much happier with using that term, or outdoor enthusiast, to describe myself rather than man or woman. I don’t think we need to label ourselves according to gender but rather we should label ourselves according to who we are. I am an outdoor enthusiast and neither male or female.


  8. Andy

    I was actually struggling with this concept myself, but I think I have it now… I tried talking to my mom when I thought I was FtM, and she basically said she couldn’t/wouldn’t treat me as male because it would ruin my 6-year-old brother’s perception of gender. Now that I’m understanding myself as not-female, and masculine, but not quite male, I’m afraid to tell her because she might take it as me saying that I’m a masculine girl. My mom tries to understand me, but she’s bull-headed and when I try to correct her on something, she always says that what she believes is what I said first.


  9. shunomellow

    OP, Aeryn, Jordan. I relate to a lot of what’s been said. It’s helped thanks :)

    If I could magically alter the past and relive my exact same life as female I would. But I can’t. I have a male life and a male body and I’m mostly ok with that. I’ve learned masculinity from roles such as son, boyfriend, husband, father.

    I’ve always felt more female in my mind and would dearly like to present as female if I could. I know the person I appear to be isn’t the real me, I just want to find out who I am and to try to live that life authentically.

    But what now is the question.


    Jessica replied:

    I have felt the same. What I have decided in my life as it is now is to live my life as authentically me – and if you as observer call that masculine in this case, or you call that feminine in this other case, well, that’s up to you.

    I am differently minded, to borrow my sister’s turn of phrase and I am also differently bodied, so I’ll never fit neatly into any of the boxes, but I really do not want to it in, never have, never will, so I am perfectly OK with that state of affairs.


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