Not enough.
Someone wrote…
I’m worried that I’m always single because I’m not enough of a girl to be anyone’s girlfriend, but not enough of a boy to be anyone’s boyfriend.
What’s your experience?
Posted by julian on March 22nd, 2011 at 08:00 am
Category: your voice 37 comments »
March 22nd, 2011 at 8:41 am |
I hear you on this. For reals.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 8:48 am |
Well, that doesn’t stop you from being a boifriend. Or a partner. Or a lover. Or a significant other. Or a grrlfriend. Lots of people are more flexible than society tells them they have to be. :-)
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Alex replied:
March 22nd, 2011 at 9:57 pm
I’ve heard “genderfriend” and “personfriend”, myself, both of which I am quite fond of.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 9:11 am |
Don’t worry, because that’s not true! While my girlfriend and I still don’t know what to call me in relation to her (I usually say NAMEfriend), I felt exactly the same way until almost two years ago. Someone will come around and see you for exactly who you are and love you for it, even if it’s not too easy to put a name to it. But just because you don’t know what to call it, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 9:27 am |
Whoever you are attracted to, and whoever is attracted to you, will be because of the wonderful, complete person you are – it is that which attracts. You wouldnt want it any other way would you? – The quality of the relationship must be the most important thing; ideally it should be on the basis of shared values, ideals and interests – not simply to have/or to be seen to have, a partner.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 9:43 am |
I have found that partners are often not nearly as critical of us as we are critical of ourselves. But I do also understand your fears.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 10:30 am |
I have never dated and I have been with the same person for more than 33 years. If my partner were to be gone, I would be so lost.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 12:06 pm |
As a genderqueer person with a wonderful, loving partner, I can promise you that it’s possible. Don’t give up.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 2:27 pm |
I think that being genderqueer and outwardly expressing it has helped me have better quality relationships than I would have had otherwise. It has prevented people from pretending to be into me just because they’re desperate for a relationship and from people being attracted to me just for my appearance. It has encouraged people to look deeper, to enquire WHY I dress, act, and feel the way I do. As a result, we get to know each other better. That’s been very helpful in the case of a romantic relationships- we know more about each other from the very beginning and they know what they’re getting into before we start.
When I was in middle & high school, I felt this exact same way. Looking back, I realize that was because I was surrounded by shallow, stereotypical, hetero-normative boys and girls. I also lived in a relatively conservative state with extremely conservative parents. How COULD I feel a sense of belonging in a place like that? Now that I’ve gotten away from all that it’s been so much easier to find people who value me for me. If that’s your situation, don’t worry at ALL. It’s gets soooooooo much better. *sigh of relief* x)
<3!
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Jessica replied:
March 22nd, 2011 at 2:36 pm
It seems to make so much sense to me that because of the way you look and act that tons of people you do not want in your life will not be prepared to enter into a relationship with you: RESULT!
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March 22nd, 2011 at 7:14 pm |
Thats how I feel, I don’t know if I’d be a suitable parent in general, but I feel especially awkward since I don’t know if I’d be more of a motherly or fatherly role…which makes thinking of the future painful, especially since my mom thinks I should definitely get married in a dress and definitely grow my hair out..even just a little..and I’m single..so when every potential gf becomes a potential wife and potential co-parent to my child, it makes me want to skip dating and become a hermit, because I could be a hell of a boifriend but I’d fall short as a husband…and even as a child never saw myself as anyones mrs, I’m not wife material.
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m replied:
March 23rd, 2011 at 9:25 am
Have you seen LesbianDad’s blog? She seems like a kick-ass parent. Sure, being a spouse and parent is complicated and tough, but don’t let gender stuff get in the way of it!
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March 22nd, 2011 at 7:17 pm |
I’m sure you’re sweet enough to be someone’s sweetheart.
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Dimmie replied:
March 27th, 2011 at 4:30 pm
Exactly. I refer to the person I’m seeing as my sweetie, for simplicity’s sake, and it works just fine.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 7:41 pm |
I can date, its relationships that are difficult.
I have a nice couple months with someone, and then things get complicated, and there’s a lot of questions: where are we headed, what is this, who are we to eachother, where are we headed where are we headed where are we headed? And when I say, I don’t know but I like *thiiis* for now I like what we have, its more than most, why must we label and define and all that… then thats never enough, but what can you do?
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March 22nd, 2011 at 8:33 pm |
I find that the gay men I end up with often get freaked out about their own sexuality, and the same with the straight men. But what’s really beautiful is that I’m becoming so happy with myself, they don’t really matter.
Fall in love with yourself. Boys and girls will come and go, but you’ll be around yourself for a long time.
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March 22nd, 2011 at 10:08 pm |
This is so much how I feel. My last cis boyfriend broke it off with me because he said that when he’s dating a guy, he wants a *guy*, and when he dates a girl, he wants a *girl*.. But the problem is, I’m not a guy or a girl. And I cant choose one for him to be comfortable with.
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Anonymous replied:
March 27th, 2011 at 2:21 pm
i hear ya. when i happen to feel that way all i can think of is damned if you do/damned if you don’t.
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March 23rd, 2011 at 3:31 am |
Ach, I’ve felt like this too.
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March 23rd, 2011 at 6:31 am |
That’s what I thought, until I stumbled upon a beautiful woman who let me be everything for her that I ever dreamt of being to anyone. We met through anything but gender; I was fascinated with her paintings, and she with my writings. I think that’s really the lesson here. It’s not got to be about gender, but what’s behind. What’s on your mind, what do you act like, who are you but for your gender?
I think it’s about being honest as well. I never hid the fact that I don’t feel my born body reflected my gender, but she didn’t find it unnatural, and when I asked her how she thought of me, it was as a man because of how I behaved, not as how I was born.
I realise there’s many genders out there, and split-up changing ones. I know people who wake up as a different gender every day, but if you’re honest to yourself and others, I am sure you’ll be able to find someone. Just don’t let your gender-identity dominate; you’re more than a body. And I don’t like to label minds.
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March 23rd, 2011 at 10:27 am |
That used to be the case for me.
When I started getting really comfortable with calling myself genderqueer, however, and being open about it, I found people who weren’t looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but me. Love yourself and others will follow. Love is out there, no matter what gender you are(n’t).
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Anonymous replied:
March 23rd, 2011 at 3:40 pm
I really wish I was better with words so I could fully express how much I love this comment. ?
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March 23rd, 2011 at 10:30 pm |
You are enough of you, and that’s what counts. I alternate between calling my wonderful partner my boyfriend, girlfriend, sweetheart, lover, partner, and starshine; it’s absolutely possible to find someone who will not only accept you just the way you are, but be as excited about your identity as you deserve.
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March 24th, 2011 at 8:58 pm |
me too. <3 someone should start a dating site that's based on things like interests and personality traits, instead of gender and orientation.
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March 24th, 2011 at 9:54 pm |
I don’t look for boyfriends. I don’t look for girlfriends. I look for mates, for partners, for potential cuddle buddies. Anyone worth your time will love YOU and not your gender identity/expression
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March 25th, 2011 at 5:51 am |
As my therapist told me the other day when I was questioning whether I, as a biologically female genderqueer individual, was boy enough to be a real boyfriend to my wonderful gay boyfriend, attraction and relationships go so far beyond the labels and identities of gender. It’s just about the person. Keep being who you are and the right person will find you and love you for all your gender complexities.
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March 25th, 2011 at 12:28 pm |
In a bit of a pickle about gender and all that springs from it and all that feeds in to it. Wonder if i can ever have a partner. Reading the positive and thoughtful comments here gives me hope for the future. Thanks and gratitude to you all.
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March 26th, 2011 at 11:17 am |
(I ranted about this a couple weeks ago, if anybody’s interested: http://queernetic.blogspot.com/2011/02/hi-im-single-but-im-genderqueer-and-you.html )
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March 27th, 2011 at 2:18 pm |
for schzzz
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March 27th, 2011 at 11:12 pm |
Sometimes I fear I’ll always be single because I’m mostly I think maybe only attracted to genderqueer folks.
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March 28th, 2011 at 2:54 am |
… and?
that makes you totally awesome.
the problem is there may just be a saddening lack of people able to comprehend the ambivalence of your gender-ness or whatevs. this however is not a problem because they’re probly not worth your time in the first place, yahh? some people dont want a girlfirend or a boyfriend: they just want a sweetheart. thats how i sees it. :)
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Jessica replied:
March 28th, 2011 at 6:22 am
Well, I’m taken… of course my partner complains about my genderqueerness – it is not a uniting factor in our relationship. I wish it were, but wishes don’t count.
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March 31st, 2011 at 4:31 am |
You sound perfect to me.
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April 2nd, 2011 at 6:59 pm |
I can totally relate…my casual male lover (whom i believe is bisexual) recently asked me if i would be his girlfriend …it baffles me that he doesn’t see that i am not really a girl, when my 9 year old niece gets it. I’m so afraid of hurting him by telling him i feel like a bisexual boy in a girls body that i just decided to end the relationship and runaway…very cowardly, but i feel he would vomit if i told him my so called truth.
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April 17th, 2011 at 8:57 am |
androgyny is hot
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April 23rd, 2011 at 10:50 am |
I felt that way for what seemed like ages. And then I found/was found by this wonderful person, who SAW me. Just really saw who I was. And loved me just exactly as that. (And thought I was hot, too!) So here I am, a few years later, still genderqueer. Still presenting as me and letting people read that however. Still feel really trans some days. And married. She married me! We got married (in VT)! And isn’t that just a wonderful thing? So what I think is that people like her exist. A lot more of them than you might think, in fact. I bet people on this website could tell you about people like my wife. They’re out there. They come in all stripes of sexual preference, gender identity, expression, walk of life, etc. They’re people who love people. And dear, you’re a person. So there’s hope.
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April 27th, 2011 at 6:18 pm |
My first real date was with a man I met online, who was listed as straight on the dating site because, though he was bicurious, he didn’t like the “booty calls” he got if he listed as bi.
He complimented me on my “rugged” hairy legs, and when I told him I was an androgyne, he was like, “I act more like I do around my guy friends around you than I do around girls anyway.” He was mostly baffled that gender was an issue at all. That was slightly painful, but then he didn’t ever gender me in the wrong way, so I think he just really accepted me for who I was.
Perhaps because of that (and that it was a straight guy who convinced me to go all-out and stop shaving my arm hair), I’ve never had this particular insecurity. So there are cool people out there!
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