not “one of the guys”

Someone wrote…

I’m a lesbian trans woman so I’m not attracted to guys, but I still feel hurt when all the perceived females in the room are being hit on while I’m treated like “one of the guys”.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on May 9th, 2011 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 16 comments »

16 Responses to “not “one of the guys””

  1. Elle

    I identify as a queer transwomen, but this still pretty much sums up my entire day. :(


  2. Anonymous

    I’m right there with you. Even though I have no desire to be with a guy, it would still be nice to have a little flirting going on!


  3. Jessica

    People don’t hit on me, neither males nor females, nor anyone else for that matter. I have usually reflected on this situation with immense relief. Sometimes, though, it would have been nice, just once. But that’s not a big regret in my life.


  4. Clare

    Maybe its good to have someone in the room who is perceived as an alternative focus – how dreadful to have to be the focus of attention for every silly male. And – i do know women who are always, for some reason, treated like “one of the guys”.
    Your image shows your specialness and determination – treasure it!


    Stuart replied:

    @Clare: The scenario described in the second sentence of your response is the same scenario the OP is talking about…that she is a woman, who is “always, for some reason, treated like one of the guys.”


    AmyDentata replied:

    It isn’t a treasure if she doesn’t want to be treated as “special”. Especially depending on the “specialness” these guys have in mind.


  5. Clare

    Thanks Stuart!
    But that is an interesting situation nonetheless; and men will often fight shy of any woman who appears especially powerful as our friend does here.
    Its a difficult thing for men and women to get past appearances, persona to the point where you can engage meaningfully – as people. My experience is that it tends to happen around childhood, before puberty kicks in; where we are in a kind of rough-and-ready equality such as in further education or somewhere ascending a career path – or in my case once you’re married, the kids have left home – and you’re perhaps than able for the first time in your life to meet women as complete human beings.
    Our friend in the picture comes across with a wonderful, dramatic and strong presence – but it may be that some men cant communicate with such a presence – its an issue of life transitions…

    Well, at least i think that’s what i’m trying to say – and i’m sorry that its become a bit of a painful issue for this person…


  6. Adair

    I am treated like an alien.

    I am not hit on (it has happened a few times in my life but much less when I abandoned my assigned gender expression), and I’m not treated as “one of the guys”. Some people try treating me as “one of the girls” occasionally, I guess, but I feel very awkward in that role.

    I smile and talk to people and have enough social skills to pick up on when people would rather not talk or want me to shut up and so on, yet still I’m stuck in this pattern of often being shunned, sometimes not being shunned and not really knowing how to deal with not being shunned–and not necessarily having the habits or self-confidence to sustain most friendships.

    I’m actually glad to not be hit on, though. It usually made me feel dirty, except on the rare occasions when I was also interested, and those launched horrible dramas in my life.


    Toni replied:



    Jessica replied:

    “horrible dramas in my life” – as a child, I was taught to call these episodes “learning experiences.”

    My friend Sybil used to say that her life had been filled with so much terror and trauma that she had a choice between wisdom and suicide.


    Adair replied:

    That’s an awesome quote.

    I still don’t know what I learned from the last one, though, and it ended a year and a half ago. Well, I guess I (after another year and several months of hiding in myself) learned to force myself to be honest with the people in my life even when I didn’t think they’d like the news, instead of cutting them off.

    By the time I ended the relationship in question, I couldn’t look at him without seeing, disturbingly, my father’s face superimposed over his. Most of my relationships end in something like that, not necessarily hallucinations, maybe just suddenly not feeling dead enough to put up with it anymore, usually from sexual trauma, though. This was the only person I physically dated who I actually loved. Unfortunately he was in a disintegrating marriage to a disabled partner who he had small kids with. What good can you possibly learn from that? If you can’t date someone who you’re crazy about, make sure you never speak to them or you’ll instantly be in an emotional affair again, like it or not? Never get married? Don’t get emotionally involved in other people’s lives/stories?

    I’m still too afraid to tell anyone in my family that happened. I moved out of the state and to the other side of the country when I was 17, but my parents still “worry” about me all the time. I don’t feel like I could admit to something like that and ever have them respect me again. At the same time it hurts to keep something that hurts so much silent.

    So I guess I’m still trying to find the wisdom in it all, but at least it wasn’t so bad. Yeah, I called the crisis line six times in a row one evening during it, but I couldn’t ever talk because I didn’t think I was enough at risk of suicide or whatever (the number I had also rerouted me to a center in the wrong state). I’m better now, I’ll be stronger in the future, and, I don’t know, more empathetic? I can understand on an emotional level how people end up in relationships that are destroying them.


  7. Anonymous

    I’m a cis lesbian and I still get treated like one of the guys. I think it has more to do with them not bothering cause they know you aren’t interested.


    AmyDentata replied:

    Not necessarily true. There are many guys who show their interest in lesbians, despite being “off the menu”. Then again, those types are usually disrespectful and rarely the kind you’d want attention from. Though there are a rare few who are sweet about it and just adorably optimistic.


    Jessica replied:

    My favorite are the cis males who think they can “turn” lesbians straight. In the immortal words of Stephen Fry: “Sometimes there isn’t enough vomit in the world.”


  8. Elissa Marcelle

    Just putting it out there, but I found a really cool lesbian community at . It’s news site/forum/ gather place for queers of all types and there is actually a decent number of trans women there and they have a couple of trans-people as regular contributors to their stories. It’s great for the average lesbian and I really enjoyed a couple of the recent stories posted by the trans contributors talking out their experiences with perception and privilege.


  9. Anonymous

    I think I might be one of those awkward gentlemen who happen to end up hitting on Lesbians, it’s mainly as I tend to find butch Girls quite attractive. Although as a Bi* chap, it definitely seems to be that most people I find myself attracted to turn out to be uninterested in gentlemen -oh well!

    *Pan is more accurate however I use Bi as it is more widely understood & somehow it has stuck in my head.


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