Question: What can a 13 year old do?
Ave asks…
Being only 13 years old I cant just go out in public dressed as a boy, I’m still a kid. I can’t change my wardrobe, because then my parents and people at school will find out. What can a 13 year old can do when faced with gender identity problems?
Please post your response in the comments below.
» Ask Genderfork «
Posted by Alice on January 12th, 2011 at 08:00 am
Category: questions 36 comments »
January 12th, 2011 at 8:28 am |
This question depends on whether or not your current wardrobe is very feminine. If it’s not, then start wearing more gender-neutral clothes. No one can really complain about you if you only wear t-shirts, jeans and hats. Just makes sure your androgynous clothes are neither too tight nor too baggy. If you take your wardrobe transition slowly it will be less of a shock to the world.
What counts as “dressing like a boy” is becoming increasingly narrow as clothing equalizes. It wouldn’t hurt to keep a mental collection of androgynous-looking people to recite your parents in the event they get upset. I’ve found most parents are just worried about their kids getting harassed, but if you show the extent to which gender-crossing clothing is normal they may not worry so much.
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 8:58 am |
Yeah, take it slow. And remember that it’s much safer and easier to masculize across your assigned gender than to feminize — a boyish look can just be explained to your parents as tomboyishness.
[Reply]
Melissa Kaplan replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 9:04 am
You could also get a gender neutral haircut. There’s lots of stylish fun hairstyles that can be worn by either a boy or a girl. There’s no need to explain it to your parents beyond “I like this style, I’d like to cut my hair like that.”
[Reply]
Terry replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 9:57 am
“It’s easier to take of” is also a good reason for getting a shorter haircut.
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 9:12 am |
When I was 15 or so, I dealt with this by having a few “boy” items that I hid in my backpack and put on when I was away from home (like button-up shirts that fit over a t-shirt, deodorant “for men”).
I didn’t have much money of my own, so I got most of this stuff from my older cousins.
Good luck!
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 11:01 am |
Recognize that the clothes, the shoes, and all the accessories are entirely an artificial social construct and nothing to do with the person inside. It is something that is imposed on you. Whether I wear a three piece suit or a ballgown, the person I am is the same.
I spent years being more or less indifferent to clothes. I wore mostly cheap jeans and unremarkable blouses. At 13 I would expect most parents to be relieved that you’re not mad about makeup. So that’s probably easy.
It is only recently that I have begun to try and express myself through my attire.
I would expect that the worst part of being 13 and wanting to be different is all the friends and acquaintances who just are not ready to understand at all and will make any differences you want to express more difficult for you. I’m 40 years older than you and I have lots of acquaintances and co-workers who would not understand and would recoil in horror if I broached the subject of transgenderness. You learn to be careful and stealthy when you need to be. It’s kind of like the manners you put on to greet your grandmother.
It may feel duplicitous, but it’s mostly just kind. You have a great gift and and opportunity to discover yourself and really like and respect the person you are. Pick your battles carefully. Be caring and respecting of other peoples’ needs, too. Have fun.
[Reply]
freedom replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 11:51 am
I have to object. Your chosen presentation of yourself can have a big influence on your feeling of self. The more satisfied you are with it, the more confidence you can get out of it. Other people’s needs are not what should be your driving force, unless it makes YOU happy to fulfill them. And just what makes their feelings more important than your right to live, to be happy? Not sacrificing yourself and not sacrificing others (that means, not violating any of your own or their rights) seems more fair to me than sacrificing yourself (and for what?). For example, if your grandma is disappointed and upset because you are behaving in a way that doesn’t make her happy (for example, you are going through transition), then the problem is that she thinks you’re here to behave like she wants you to – to serve her interests. But you aren’t, unless you are a slave (nobody should be one).
Yes, take it slowly and be careful, especially if you’re young -because if most adults need some growing up, chances are you still need some, too. But if you let society’s expectations posses your outer identity, they might think it’s OK to take over your inner one (trust me, they do). Being stealthy may seem appropriate if you are ashamed, but it seems to me that exploring your gender is not a reason to be.
And any form of violence is not to be tolerated and not to be rewarded by submission or fear. There is no shame in asking for help from those who get paid to help.
P.S. Sorry if this seems harsh, but I’m tired of all of us having to hide. We have to hide because there’s not enough of us willing to step up to that perversion called ‘tradition’.
[Reply]
Samson replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 12:15 pm
While I love this attitude, there are a lot of times, places, and people for whom it’s not feasible or puts them in danger, and they oughtn’t be made to feel bad for that. It’s especially a lot to ask of someone who’s still in their parents’ house, and not everybody has the financial or emotional resources to handle the consequences of giving the world a big “F YOU,” as much as it needs it sometimes.
[Reply]
freedom replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 1:07 pm
@ Samson: That’s why I said to take it slow and be careful. And the attitude is not necessarily aimed as a “F YOU,” although I can imagine it would seem like that to anyone oppressing another and thinking to have the unalienable right to do so. It is more of a friendly “You do not own me.”, because it doesn’t imply being rude in any way… just being mentally independent.
Samson replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
I agree–I think we’re probably saying about the same thing. I think mental independence is vastly underrated, and I think a lot of people do go out overly defensive with that “F YOU” attitude with their fists swinging and they end up unnecessarily making enemies… live respectfully, but unapologetically, I guess?
freedom replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Yep. :) Respect other people’s rights but don’t let them take away yours – something like that.
Jessica replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 12:17 pm
At 13 you are, in many respects, like a slave. You don’t have the options you have ten years later. You barely have more options than 10 years earlier. Recognizing that, don’t obsess about what you can’t have and can’t do.
I always remember what my sister told me, when I was 14: “Well, you can’t have it now. And when you can have it, you won’t want it.”
[Reply]
freedom replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Even if you can’t have some things now, you can still dream of obtaining them… turn that dream into a goal, aim for the goal and achieve it, even if it takes years. If you are forced to be passive physically, that is not reason enough for your mind to accept a reasonable goal as unobtainable, because if it’s reasonable, it is most likely obtainable.
Jokireily replied:
January 13th, 2011 at 1:01 am
A teacer of mine once related life in general to this: “Right now, you have to play by someone else’s rules- you can’t, for example, not take english because you don’t want to. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find ways to make those rules more enjoyable; maybe poetry is more your thing, or perhaps debate essays. Yes, you have to fake it till you can make it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun playing the game as well.”
sure, you likely wouldn’t get on very well by just sneaking off, getting a sex change, and saying “F YOU, WORLD, IMMA BE WHATEVER I WANT!,” but that doesn’t mean you have to hide yourself completely. Take small steps, whatever feels safe in your situation, and slowly work towards fully realizing your true potential. You’ll get there in time, we promise; until then, enjoy the little things, and make the best of what you have.
January 12th, 2011 at 12:07 pm |
I hope you won’t find this condescending, but I want to give you a hug and tell you you’re a lot braver’n I was when I was a teenager. Also I want to thank God you apparently have unmonitored access to the internet somehow, because I didn’t until I left my parents’ house, and it helps SO much.
An FTM friend (who understands fashion and dress a lot better than I do) recently took me clothes shopping for slightly similar reasons. I don’t have to worry so much about my family anymore, but there’s no employment protection for sexual orientation or gender identity where I live, so right now I’m walking the line that a lot of other commenters have pointed out: you can “get away” with a lot because fashion is leaning a bit androgynous. (That’s probably easier to swallow as an androgynous person, though, and probably not as comforting for someone who’s trans-masculine.)
Also, this may just be a product of living in the South, but people are funny. I look pretty odd to most people around here, but they will rationalize just about ANYTHING to themselves, and they will NEVER ask. Maybe I’m just small-chested, and it would be terribly rude to ask and make me feel bad about that… maybe I just like short hair, and it wouldn’t be nice to ask and imply I got a bad haircut… I probably never wears skirts because I don’t want people to see my ankle braces (which is total BS because I think my braces are fabulous, but it worked excellently on my parents). They’ll explain away anything to themselves.
Even the people who’ve seen me go from breasts to flat-chested, cut off all my hair, look a little femme one day and like a total dude the next and back again… even they don’t ask.
Parents don’t follow the same rules. They’re nosy. Go slowly, pick your battles carefully, try not to be defensive if they ask.
And I want to echo everything else Jessica said, times a million.
Good luck and rock the heck on!
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 12:11 pm |
i know where you are, i’ve been there. but like…what would be so terrible about your parents or friedns finding out? all of mine are in the loop now, and it’s for the better. Honestly, i wish i wouldn’t have waited so long…
[Reply]
Jessica replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 12:36 pm
I agree with this, too. Honesty isn’t always easy but it is frequently better. Certainly having the whole burden society placed on you being trans is 1000 times easier if your parents are your main allies. But you have to judge whether they are in a place where your personally revelations can be supported by them. Also, if they have personal issues, don’t put yourself in a position where they fight using you to hurt each other.
[Reply]
noah replied:
January 12th, 2011 at 9:07 pm
I think it really REALLY depends on the family background here. It could make his life a lot easier to be accepted, or it could make it much worse if his parents and friends berated him constantly for it.
Personally, my mother asked me at least once daily for quite a while if I was sure I liked girls; she said she didn’t want me to label myself as a “lesbian” because “what if you met a nice boy in college?” Which was just fine at 18, because I knew I was getting out of there soon. But at 13? I dunno. She has no idea that I’m trans yet. I know it’s going to be a battle for her acceptance of me, and there’s no way I would have been able to handle that at 13.
Or, the family could be like my (not blood related) non-religious Oregon family, and instantly flip the “male” switch in their heads and refer to me by my name, and use male pronouns.
TL;DR:I think it’s situational.
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 12:15 pm |
I never really thought about it at that age. My mom wanted me to have longer shorts, so when I was allowed to shop in the boy’s for those, I also got t-shirts there. That’s basically all I ever wore until I was out of high school. Just shirts and jeans or boy’s shorts. I also usually had a hat on. When I was 13, I was allowed to cut my hair short. It was still, technically a girl’s cut so my mom was okay with it, but I started passing right after I got it cut. Unfortunately, that’s when I also began to grow in the chest area, so it was short-lived. But then, because I was a rider (horses), I was able to get nice, tight sports bras, that helped out a lot. Also, I’ve always had broad shoulders, so when I did need a button-up, I could only find ones that fit correctly in the boy’s section. This actually annoyed my mother a lot, but she could see as well as I could that the girl’s stuff never fit right.
Anyhow, being tom-boy is usually pretty acceptable. Just go for jeans and t-shirts.
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 2:44 pm |
I would probably run off to a thift shop, a good will or salvation army and buy something cheap, save up a weeks worth of lunch money and buy a pair of boy jeans, honesty is fantastic but when I’d do stupid things like dye my hair blue and someone older would ask about it I’d say something like “haha oh this? oh my friends band was making a li’l music video” which was like 1/3 true since I already had blue hair before the band formed… but I would say any guy you can really trust asking if they can get rid of a shirt or two would help, hand me downs would be a good place to start I think, I agree though jeans and tshirt are pretty neutral, I would say that clothes dont make the man, and that its whats inside that counts also, but I have dressed the same for about 15 years? I used to wear ripped jeans and plaid shirts back in ’94 when cobain was alive [childs aid got called cause they thought we were impoverished not punkrock] and well, I managed to hide the whole queer thing from my mom cause she figured it was punkrock
I would probably try to emulate a ‘boy style’ of clothing that exists and you already have an honest interest in that can be easily justified, if youre atheletic make it about being a sporty kid, if youre into a music scene be like, band shirts I like this band, if youre into button up shirts and argyle sweaters, you want to look ‘nice’ I dont know but everyone puts far too much an emphasis on clothing I’m sure adding a couple tshirts at a time won’t hurt anything. Either way I wish you luck but I still think checking out a used clothing place could be a cheap way to experiment.
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 3:34 pm |
I think as a bio-girl, there’s no reason you should face problems dressing like a guy. I’d say more than half of girls in the US wear male clothes sometimes, commonly they report that male clothing is more comfortable, less revealing, more sporty. I wore an 80% male wardrobe for years without my parents or anyone around me thinking I was trans, genderqueer, or anything but kind of butch/tomboyish. Some people thought I was a lesbian, some people thought I was an athlete, some people thought I was a geek and just didn’t give a damn about fashion. Most people just didn’t care, nobody ever mentioned it. Ever. I openly announced once I only wore guys clothes, in a large group of peers. The response “whatever. they’re comfy.”
Really, you can pass off most male clothes as casual female clothes anyway. They’re fitted differently, but there are tons of plain crew neck t-shirts that are unisex. Same with hoodies, you can say one is “oversized” if it looks too manly for some reason. More comfortable, and all. No one’s going to be analysing your pants for gender markers either. Boxers – lots of girls wear them as lounge clothes. People won’t “find out” anything about you because you dress more masculinely.
If your parents are really so conservative that they can’t stand the idea of a tomboy in the family, say something about how you don’t feel ready to be checked out by guys yet. Say you get self conscious, or else go with the comfort excuse. I don’t know any parents who want their kids to be sexually objectified at a young age.
Last resort, choose gender neutral looking girls clothes (dark colours, no fancy details, not tight) in a size or two up. That will help cover curves and make you more androgynous looking. They can be hard to find sometimes, but I managed for years.
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 4:17 pm |
Hi, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Are your parents openly *religious or transphobic? You could try coming out to your parents.
I used to wear a hoodie to hide my hips for a while. Its pretty easy to find a gender neutral hoodie. You can also apply to trans circle which is a project that gives out free or discounted binders and I think packers and some clothing. Here is where you apply-http://transcircle.org/apply
For haircuts, you should donate your hair to locks of love. Your parents will likely will it as a charitable act. Or you could sell your hair and get some money, but it will be less noble and your parents might not approve.
http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-sell-your-hair-for-cash
(assuming you have long hair.)
You could try dressing in a androgynous punk or goth way. People will view it as normal for your age.
*This really depends on what religion, while there are many spiritual liberal and pro trans people out there, most religion is kinda tied in with regressive and oppressive politics and while this not a sure fire way of knowing ahead, it can give you come kind of idea how they might react.
[Reply]
Ave replied:
January 14th, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Wow. I’m happy people have looked at this and commented.
Right now, I’m just caught up in the whole ‘coming out’ business. I’ve got the hair and the wardrobe, but I’ll never be who I want to be if I’m still ‘her’ to my friends and family. I’m almost positive that my parents wouldn’t have a problem with it; they’re both doctors who know all about gender identity issues, and according to the way they react to things on the news leads me to believe that they do support gay rights
But once, when telling my mom about my friends’ reactions to my new haircut, she said “Don’t worry, it won’t take away from your femininity.”
And also, I was joking about my “sideburns” with a friend, and she told me I shouldn’t call them that because it made me seem like a guy. She said “You don’t WANT to be a guy, do you?” so I just got all defensive.
[Reply]
Anonymous replied:
January 14th, 2011 at 6:25 pm
Never apologize. I know it’s easy to say never be defensive, but it’s almost impossible to do unless you’re a sociopath. It is harder for women, because people who see you as a woman will try to put you on your defensive, so to reinforce your submissive, feminine role. Don’t give them the satisfaction! I alway like to remember the film “In the Heat of the Night” where some local cop drawls to Sidney Poitier, “What does dey call you, boy?” and he replies through clenched teeth, “The call me Mister Tibbs.” If you’re a mister, insist on your due respect and ample consideration.
[Reply]
Samson replied:
January 14th, 2011 at 7:24 pm
I tend to say, “It’s always different when it happens to you.” My parents are wildly supportive of the idea of gay rights but it’s taken them probably five years to accept the idea of me as “bisexual” (and that’s still pretty tenuous); they’re still pretty leery of my appearance and my mom likes to remind me that the masculine & androgynous parts of my presentation are “cute” but “need to be balanced with more feminine things.” I’ve tried arguing and now I’m just giving them time; that gets easier after you get out of the house. People think they’re accepting of all kinds of things until it’s them/their child, and then they have to do some painful self-reevaluation.
I was reading this article the other day and it gave me hope for my family coming around: http://www.dapperq.com/the-ties-that-bind/
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 4:51 pm |
It’s no fun being young and sure of yourself but lacking in power to make positive changes. People above have issued such good advice, so I’m going to go in a different direction:
LEARN.
You’re 13 – what an amazing age to be! You have the opportunity to do something I never had (we didn’t have Genderfork when I was your age), and that’s to get a running start on what your independent life will look like. See the next few years as the chance to learn as much as you can about what options there are for you in life. Pick up every book you can and surf through every blog possible about how other people have found ways to be the best version of themselves that they know how. You never know where you’ll find that bit of experience someone else has had that will make you say “that’s me too!”
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 9:05 pm |
I don’t know your specific style (say punk or rocker or skater or scene or just typical teenager) but just slowly change your wardrobe. If you go to a summer camp or something like that then wear the shirts from there because they are usually unisex. Thrift stores are also a good place to start.
Shoes: a lot of shoes are gender neutral like Converse and Vans and a lot of skate shoes.
Jeans/pants: You don’t want something too baggy but nothing too tight. Maybe try a pair of boys’ skinny jeans but a size or two bigger than you would normally wear. Just tell your parents that they are comfortable and you like a plain design rather than rhinestones or whatever they put on girls’ jeans. If you can’t do that, then get plain girls’ jeans in a bigger size.
Pants: If you can wear chinos or kakis or Dickies that might help. A lot of them are gender neutral. Even if you have to get them in the girls’ section, they look pretty masculine.
Shirts: T shirts. I recommend band t-shirts and camp shirts. Also souvenir shirts are good.
Jackets: A big sweatshirt usually works well. Just say that you want a big,comfy sweatshirt. Also flannels are really popular for people of all genders. My really feminine cousin even wears men’s flannels because she thinks they are more comfortable.
Hair: A lot of females are getting their hair cut short. Try to find a “punk” style. Or something gender neutral. Maybe try Emma Watson’s hair cut. You can show the hair person and your parents a picture and they won’t think anything of it. Hats are also a good thing.
If your parents are open minded maybe talk to them about stuff. You don’t have to come out to them as anything. Just tell them that you prefer this style and are more comfortable with it. Also, polos and button up shirts are a good choice. You would be surprised about more masculine styles for females. My mum (who is in her forties) tells me that in middle school, it was really popular for the girls to wear chinos and a button up Oxford shirt with a skinny tie or a shoe lace tie. Good luck dude. I’m 15 myself so I know what you are going through.
[Reply]
January 12th, 2011 at 10:13 pm |
Oh, and BTW..When you’re young (yeah I’m old) there is a great temptation to have revelations, epiphanies, whatever you want to call these life changing inspirations and thoughts we’ve all had — and to decide that the whole course of all the rest of your life is now decided finally and forever. Well, it ain’t necessarily so. It might be so, but don’t count on it.
Be prepared to change your mind, go back, think again, make another choice. It’s your life. It’s fine to explore and if you explore well and honestly, you’re going to go down a few rabbit holes. Try it on and if it doesn’t fit, try another. Don’t burn your bridges at every turn. Relax. We learn by making mistakes.
And the BIG thing that it took me 30 years to learn: it doesn’t matter how smart a person is – they can always do completely stupid things. (I ought to know!) You’re going to be hurt sometimes… grow with it.
Good luck!
[Reply]
January 13th, 2011 at 11:51 am |
I’ll be honest here and just say that I waited. By monday I’ll be nineteen, and though I was a tomboy as I kid I (almost) always had my hair long, and wore skirts to church, etc. I’m still waiting to live on my own before taking my look any further; my dad doesn’t even approve of women with hair shorter than their shoulders.
[Reply]
January 14th, 2011 at 10:30 am |
I agree with people who’ve commented on and recommended the “boys” clothes and styles that are now acceptable for people identified or read as girls.
Having to deal with parents’ control of your appearance can suck, but I think it’s worth trying to appreciate now that your appearance isn’t limited by some other things that it could be later in life. Wanting to stay employed limits some of my options!
[Reply]
Jessica replied:
January 14th, 2011 at 10:39 am
I am now imagining Dan in all kinds of interesting work inappropriate clothing… TGIF :-)
Commuting on a motorcycle also constrains one’s wardrobe. It is often interesting to see the metamorphosis that occurs when the leathers peel off.
Only once was I caught in a heavy downpour without proper rain gear and arrived at work totally soaked to find that my blouse was entirely see-through when wet. And it didn’t get dry really fast either, with me sitting in my cubicle still wearing my dripping leather jacket. I now keep a change of clothes at the office, just in case.
[Reply]
January 16th, 2011 at 1:18 pm |
I can’t look back on my own experiences at your age and say that they were particularly happy, or that I coped particularly well with them.
A lot of people have mentioned clothes and that is most definitely a big issue. At a time when you are quite possibly feeling uncomfortably pigeonholed by peoples’ perceptions of you, clothing can be a big and helpful indicator. However, I don’t know your situation, but if, like me (trapped as I was by mandatory above-the-knee pleated skirts until I finished high school- ruddy uniforms!) I did have a few trickes to make things a little more tolerable. I bought and squirrelled away male deodorant, and occasionally (on non-PE days) used packing. It made me feel that, although I was stuck in a singularly unflattering skirt, I could still be as male-leaning queer as ever. With non-uniform clothes, I slowly, and with much difficulty led my family towards the idea of my wearing men’s clothes. This was helped greatly by the fact that they tend to be cheaper, but it was a slow process. (Irony is, as several above have noted, I’m now financially independant and back to wearing mostly ‘female’ clothes due to work).
[Reply]
January 17th, 2011 at 8:55 am |
at your age, my bag and locker was checked by my parents on a daily basis to make sure i wasn’t bringing clothes to change into at school. I started going through lost and found. borrowing other people’s clothes. i would change in between classes. im sure people noticed but no one seemed to really care. mostly no one needs to know you feel so uncomfortable with your gender if you dont want them to. i have no idea what your home situation is like, or what your school is like. i’m not sure how helpful i am. but i was there not too long ago and i can tell you keep truckin on cause the more you push your happiness the more will come out of it.
[Reply]
Jessica replied:
January 17th, 2011 at 11:04 am
OMG – if my parents had checked my bag and my locker on a daily basis when I was a teen, I would have made sure it contained every nightmare inspiring thing imaginable: from the raunchiest porn (including animals, rape, S&M, Skat), right up to and including Heroin and needles. Not that I did/liked any of those things, but I’d sure want to pay them back for invading my privacy.
Would I counsel anyone else to do this? God no! But I was a rebellious kid and the world was in some ways more forgiving of juveniles then (if you had a knife or a gun at school, they talked to you, warned you, and left it to your parents’ imaginations to ruin your life – there was no such thing as “zero tolerance”).
If you live in a police state (either political or religious) then you’ll have to do what people always do in those circumstances: lie, cheat, steal or give up. Interesting how the maximum imposition of moral authority always erodes peoples’ morals most completely.
[Reply]
January 17th, 2011 at 6:24 pm |
When I first started getting breasts it freaked me out so much I wore sweatshirts through the summer even for almost a year. Then I found sports bras and luckily I wasn’t very busty. If you try on different bras you can find ones that are most likely to flatten you. I just told my mom my breasts hurt when they moved too much and I was an active kid so that was fine.
I was also already not into feminine clothing so that was easier for me. I wore boy’s jeans and cords because I liked the kind with big pockets and they often had bigger pockets. I also told my mom that the crotch was too short in the girls jeans, which it was and still is in most.
Hoodies and crew neck sweaters and shirts are perceived more masculine. The lower cut the shirt is the more feminine it is percieved as, usually. Shirts that pinch in at the upper arm are seen as more feminine, too. The sleeves on t-shirts that go straight down are more masculine. I started wearing boys midway briefs when I was a few years older than you. I told my mom that my friend who was a girl wore her brother’s one time and found them so comfortable that she started wearing them. I lived somewhere cold, too, so that helped me say it was like having a pair of shorts on underneath to keep me more warm. It was true and for years I did find them the most comfortable. Now I wear briefs.
Get a short haircut that is really androgynous. One way you can do this is to insist on something that takes no extra work. Say you want to be able to just wash your hair and go because you don’t want to take time on your hair.
I tend to be someone who touches my face a bunch during the day out of habit so I could easily use that as a reason for no make-up. But my mom didn’t think make-up was a great idea for a younger person so that wasn’t really an issue. Sometimes my dad would put pressure, but I would just evade.
Shoes these days can be hard cause I notice so many of them seem to be pink in girls sizes, but maybe you could say the boys shoes are more comfortable or more sturdy for running around and playing. If you run around and play still.
If you want times when you can feel like a man or pretend to be a man you could maybe take up drama and “practice” men’s parts. Theatre club or drama classes helped so many of the gay or trans folks I know have at least one safe feeling space in school or their life. My theatre company I was part of definately gave me a place to be myself more. It is not always this way, some places the drama teacher is very conservative, but often theatre people are more open minded. Maybe you could even take on male roles, at least in warmup activities.
You could also play male characters in video games and stuff. Though these are often not at all the best role models on how to be good men. But it can be nice to be doing something and be being a man and have others interacting with you as a man, even if it is only the make believe of an online game or a playstation or xbox game.
You could also try interacting on some social network sites as a guy. This might be a nice way to see how guys interact with each other and good practice if you want to be a guy at any point in the future. It would have felt really nice to me as a teen if I could take times when I was a guy and no one told me otherwise.
When you are 13 and it feels like everyone else controls your world it can be super hard. I had very flexible parents and it was still really hard for me. Especially cause there was no such thing (in any way I could imagine) that I could be a guy. And cause I was queer. Things are really different today for some folks. Don’t be afraid to reach out and talk to people. Especially if you can find other gender variant folks your own age, even if it is just online.
[Reply]
Milo replied:
January 31st, 2011 at 8:53 am
Two words for shoes: Chuck Taylors. Plenty of cisgendered girls wear them, and even more boys like them as well.
[Reply]