Ruin my soul.

Someone wrote…

People are always telling me that being transgender means undergoing procedures that will “ruin” my body. Which isn’t a very nice thing to say.

I feel like telling them that if my body doesn’t start matching my mind, it’s going to ruin my soul.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on March 16th, 2011 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 17 comments »

17 Responses to “Ruin my soul.”

  1. Jessica

    Yeah, I get that. “You’re making yourself ugly.” “You’ve made yourself into an object of ridicule.” “Why did you ruin your perfectly good body?”

    Well, for reasons I can’t really explain, I never liked my body – I didn’t hate it either, it worked well enough mostly. But it was a like a rented costume I was using. It is only since I have “ruined” my body that I catch sight of myself in a mirror and pause, “oh, that’s encouraging” or “better” or just a general lightness of actual appreciation instead of plain apathy.

    Why did I do this? I can’t explain. Should I have to?


  2. ryan

    as a person who’s been through the same judgement, i couldn’t agree more.

    who is anyone else to tell us how we are ‘allowed’ to live? to cut or not to cut? and to try to scare us away from our thoughts by telling us we’ll be freaks? thanks world; you’re awesome.

    …screw gender, for me – and like you it seems – it always came down to this: to live a lie or to finally speak my truth…

    live for you. screw what other people think.


  3. J.D.

    I have a friend who refuses to refer to me as “he” or anything other than “she” and won’t concede even that transgenderism or genderqueerness exists because supposedly my “Soul” is female because that’s how God does things. Well then, she should tell that to my soul as it begs to disagree.


    Jessica replied:

    I had a friend like this and she was a pain. I just started referring to her as He and him and when she called me on it, I told her “God told me your soul was male.”

    Some people have such limited experience and limited imagination that when they encounter anything too far outside of their sphere of experience, they’re afraid of it. It unsettles their cozy little fantasy world view and requires them to actually attempt to think.

    I would try being infuriatingly condescending to this poor friend, in the spirit of authentic masculinity, and tell her that just so long as she is going to deny the reality of your existence, you’re going to deny the reality of her intelligence.


    Leonard replied:

    “I would try being infuriatingly condescending to this poor friend, in the spirit of authentic masculinity, and tell her that just so long as she is going to deny the reality of your existence, you’re going to deny the reality of her intelligence.”

    That’s not in the spirit of “authentic masculinity”, that’s in the spirit of being an immature little child.
    Really, if you talk it out with the person and there is absolutely no way you can come to some sort of agreement, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways.
    Not act like a whiny little brat.


    Jessica replied:

    Sorry, I was attempting humor. Sometimes I miss, particularly on Wednesdays.

    InfinitySquared replied:

    Wow… I dunno what your friend’s religion is, but I’m a Christian and I’m pretty sure God doesn’t make damaged souls. If you’re male, then your soul is male. Simple as that.


  4. Ever

    Apparently, I have a great and amazing figure that I should be grateful to have. I would too, if it were even remotely mine. Really I’m not out to mutilate myself or “chop off my breasts” – they’re not mine. I don’t “hate” them but they are pec-blockers and if they weren’t there you could see my muscle definition. Besides a healthy diet, exercise, and meditation, the absolute best thing you can do for your body is LOVE it.


  5. Courage

    I haven’t been to church in years because of this kind of thing. One day I ran into some ladies from my old church at a diner and as soon as I walked in, they glared at me. They recognized me, indefinitely. Mind you, these are the same ladies my mom says dearly miss me at church and the reason I get so much grief every Sunday for not going. Why do they want me to come to church if they hate my existence? So the pack can harass me and tell me I’m an ugly freak, but it’s not yet too late?


    Jessica replied:

    Remember that when these ladies were your age, OK so I am assuming here, people like you were incarcerated in mental institutions and cured with brain surgery, shock treatment and heavy drugs. That’s their mindset. Their irrational fear of you is borne of irrational beliefs of traditional misunderstandings of humans, biology, cosmology, and just about everything.

    It is as if every thing you knew about the world you were taught by a 4 year old. New and different things, like you, can be pretty scary if your world view is as imperfect and unconnected to reality.


    Kim replied:

    My grandmothers are likely older than the ladies in question, and they’ve shown me a great deal of understanding and acceptance. I rarely have any problem with people that would be considered “old” (I guess 60+, maybe 65+). Those that I do would likely (based on experience pre-transition) be an issue either way. As far as adults are concerned, age is no excuse for being unpleasantly ignorant. Otherwise, all our true allies would probably be under 40.


  6. Oliver

    When people tell me shit like this, I just fantasize about how sexy I’m going to look post-op and I feel better.
    (Somewhat awkwardly, every time I imagine this, the song ‘Sexy Bitch’ pops into my head. Perhaps I should play that song when I take off the bandages.)


    Chance replied:

    You’re awesome


  7. Willow G

    I like to snap back with a “and it’s people like you that ruined my mind, thanks for making me severely depressed before all the gender stuff came down”, I might also toss in a suicide reference if I think they really deserve to be shut down -I’m not trying to be insensitive on that, I’ve actually been in a situation like that long before I came out, and after my latest bout I tend to use that bit of horror instead of letting it hurt me-, or a variation of what you said something like ” well in the time it took to start those procedures my soul got roughed up pretty badly” or ” well nothing ruins a body more than the scars from self harm used as a means of coping with not having those procedures”, and apologies for the dark tone I’m working on that balance between being a human rug & being assertive, and my nerd moment of the day: all of gender & sexuality are social constructs once you realize that it’s like Neo in The Matrix all of the rules are just made up illusions you can bend play shape & break them.


    Tommy replied:

    I think that next time someone pesters me with this, I’d like to show them my scar-covered left arm and say:

    “This is what happened to my body when I tried to force myself to be something I’m not. And it’s nothing compared to the ones that can’t be seen on the outside. Being forced to live in a body that doesn’t fit me is scarring my soul and making it ugly, and I’d rather have a beautiful soul than a body that is “beautiful” for your standards.”

    But I doubt I will :( they’d just think I’m an exhibistionistic freak. That’s what you get for baring your soul to most people.


  8. Jesse

    Same here. I go to this hippie school where everyone is supposed to be SO accepting, but all I get is “Why do you have to bind? How could you do that to your body? And why would you go to a doctor for testosterone? Western medicine is bullshit you shouldn’t do that.” Douchebags.


  9. ian c.

    a friend told me recently that she was worried about me beginning physical/medical transition because she “just wanted me to take care of my body”.

    I told her that the best way I had figured out to take care of my body was to make it fit me better, so that I would be able to love it more, and not resent it so much all the time.

    … a week later, walking out of the doctor’s office after an initial meeting about starting testosterone, the first thought that went through my head was, “hey, wait, I should get a bike helmet!” I ride my bike every day, haven’t had a helmet for years — and suddenly I had this sense of “wait, if this body is finally gonna be closer to feeling right, I should really take super good care of it!”

    loving yourself comes first… before anybody else’s idea of “good health” or “holistic practices”……


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