Someone wrote…

I am terrified. I live in constant fear of my own gender, and this isn’t how I want to live. I’ve pretty recently come out as trans to my entire extended family, and changed my name officially. But now I notice tendencies in myself that are more like the girl I used to be, not the boy I am. I think of myself as an old lady in the future, my children calling me ‘mum’.
I am now facing the fact that my gender might be completely fluid and that I might have to ‘detransition’ socially, something that provokes emotions strong enough to make me want to throw up. At the same time, I feel the familiar feelings of body dysphoria mixed in with all this. My confusion knows no bounds.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on November 11th, 2012 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 3 comments »

3 Responses to “Fluid”

  1. Anonymous

    All I can offer you is to say that I have felt similar anxiety. I also prepared to transition and then found myself engulfed in confusion. This may not be the path you take, but I ended up settling on embracing the fluidity, and I have found people who support and love me as I am. I have partially transitioned, but not all the way, remaining at an androgynous middle ground. This is just to say, even if you do end up deciding on not being a single binary gender, there is the possibility of things working themselves out, socially speaking. You may also decide that transitioning is the way to go, even if you experience your gender as fluid…or perhaps you end up remaining content with understanding your gender as binary transgender, and this is just a momentary doubt, and it will all blow over. I wish you best of luck with everything, no matter where you go.


    Lane replied:

    I second everything Anon above said. I’d advise you to find some people you trust to talk these things over with, and experiment with different gender expression combos until you find one that feels right for you. Don’t overthink things, just follow what feels natural and comfortable to you. I’ve gone through some anxiety as a feminine trans man, but I’ve found that following my gut and not worrying about rationally justifying who I am makes me a lot happier. At the same time, being able to voice moments of doubt and confusion helped me get through them.

    Hang in there!


  2. anta

    I was in a somewhat similar situation when I’d been on testosterone for some time and realised that it wasn’t for me because I’m more androgynous than I’m male. I was very confused then and I have to admit I’m still figuring things out.

    It didn’t help that most of the Internet searches I made concerning detransitioning went to “hater” pages. I still can’t figure out why there are so many people out there telling me to disregard all FTMs (and MTFs) poor misguided idiots just because it wasn’t my path. I stopped reading those things when I realised I wasn’t ashamed for reading something so hateful, I was actually starting to feel ashamed for myself.

    You should be proud for being who you are and continue being who you are no matter what your identity turns out to be, or if it turns out to be completely fluid.

    With my consecutive name changes I’ve been afraid of people’s reactions, but time and time again people have surprised me by being understanding and tolerant, and sometimes completely disinterested (which is rather nice in its own way). I hope you best of luck in dealing with your situation.


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