Someone wrote…

For the first time ever, I got the haircut I wanted, a men’s cut. That night, someone called me sir. I felt like I was really presenting genderqueer, and was so happy. Then I went to visit my hometown. None of my old friends thought anything was different. Now I can’t see myself the way I was seeing myself at all. When i look in the mirror, i just look like a girl with short hair.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on July 11th, 2012 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 9 comments »

9 Responses to “Hair”

  1. mim

    I feel you. Often it’s the people who’ve known you for a long time who still see you as the old gender when strangers wouldn’t. I also wonder why my friends don’t realise how much I’ve changed in the last year. It makes me feel uncomfortable how they treat me. I feel like I’m just a pretender and no one will believe me.


  2. Jesse

    And what is wrong with that? Isn’t the goal here to see yourself and have others see you are you are? Some people won’t see you. You don’t fit in their narrow margins. That’s their loss.

    Live outside all the boxes. Be the Isadora Duncan, GB Shaw, Daniel Berrigan or Rosa Luxemberg of your time and space. If most people can’t see the special in you, you can.

    And for those that can allow themselves to see, you can be a part of their departure from flatland.


  3. Anonymous

    I have also felt similarly. I find that more and more as I become comfortable with who I am–regardless of who others see me as–this feeling goes away around the others, and I am able to see myself the way I want to in their presence, no matter their reactions. I found when I was feeling misgendered a lot in the presence of others, to carry in my pocket or wear a small object symbolic of who I really saw myself as was a great way to remind myself of my truths and not to give up on myself.


    Aubri replied:

    I’m not out at work and people still call me by my birth name. But I use my chosen name as my computer password. Each day, as I log on to my work computer, I am reminded of who I really am.


    Weaver replied:

    That’s beautiful.

    Don’t let your beautiful view of yourself be clouded by others. Just because they don’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there. ;)


  4. Curious George

    When people first become friends they usually form certain impressions of each other – for example, a lot of my street friends go by nicknames and don’t give their real names out very often. When they eventually do tell me their real name I’m always delighted that they let me in, but at the same time it will take me little bit to start referring to them as that if they introduced themselves to me as something completely different when we first met. Try letting your friends know your perspective on the things you do – changes that may seem obvious to you might be mostly internal, or maybe they’re just not noticing. Either way, if they are true friends they will respect not only the person you are but the person you are growing into, and how you are trying to express yourself as such.


  5. Anonymous

    Yeah, it’s always the people who’ve known you the longest who have the least objective view. They don’t actually really see you anymore, they just have a mental tag that they’ve assigned to you over the years. My family are the worst. My friends who I’ve only known post-transition and who haven’t had any exposure to the old me are the ones whose impression of me I trust more. Shop assistants are awesome for this. They have no idea who you are so they just go by what they see.

    It does take a while to grow into yourself to. It sounds weird, but we scrunch ourselves into body language and speech patterns and modes of behaviour that we’ve learned all our lives will be met with approval. Breaking that conditioning is *hard*. It sounds like you’re already rocking it though, scoring the “sir”. I’m a transwoman and having someone gender me as female *never* gets old. That little internal squee that you’re being accepted on your own terms is pretty special. I had a radiologist ask me today if there was any chance that I’m pregnant. He has no idea how surprised I’d be…


  6. Anonymous

    Do your friends know that is how you identify and that you don’t want to be referred to with female pronouns.


  7. Rudy

    The same thing happens to me! It’s hard for “old” friends to see us differently, and frustrating, especially when we feel so different from the person we used to be. The truth is, you are the same person, and thankfully so. You had to come from that place to be right where you are right now.

    Try to to let it get you down. As you meet new people who don’t know the old you, they’ll be shocked to learn of who you used to be (which will be thrilling and validating, I found) and someday you may find comfort in old friends reminding you from whence you came.


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