Light at the end of the tunnel

Someone wrote…

I don’t know if I’m gonna make it. I’m so weary of being the odd one out. I’m tired of being misgendered. I’m sick of people judging me for the ways I express myself. I feel lost and alone, surrounded by heartless, thoughtlessly cruel people. Does it get better?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on August 5th, 2012 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 7 comments »

7 Responses to “Light at the end of the tunnel”

  1. Wiley

    Things can get better. Here are some things that have helped me:

    1) Aging…When your peer group gets older, sometimes people become more mature and will take you more seriously and treat you with more respect. Also, you will hopefully have the opportunity to become more independent, which while entails more responsibility also entails more freedom.

    2) Being gentle with yourself and others…I don’t know if the people misgendering you know about your gender identity situation or not. While it is unfortunate, in our society, the norm for strangers or anyone who doesn’t say otherwise is to automatically categorize them as male or female, mostly for utility. Luckily, people are working as we speak to make this less of a social norm, but for now, just remember that some people who misgender you might just “not get it” and would be glad to gender you properly if you explained things to them. Remember though, that you don’t ever have to explain…From what you have written above, it seems that you are trying your best and are pretty worn out just coping with getting along. (Also note: sometimes people are just jerks, but there are nice people out there.) You are a valuable and unrepeatable person; in this alone, there is worth. One doesn’t need to feel pressure to “be” something or live a certain way. As long as you aren’t being mean to others or yourself, sometimes just living through the day is enough.

    3) Find encouragement and sanctuary…I like to go outside and commune with nature, hang out with animals (they won’t misgender or criticize you!), and in general just find hope in others’ positive examples. If you can, focus on self-care and making changes in your life which allow you to live more freely the way you want. Hang onto and work towards any dreams you have…no matter how slow your progress. Trying to avoid negative people is also helpful…Even just one supportive friend on the internet who “gets” you is great. Sometimes when I feel down I spend too much time reading and ruminating over angry/argumentative people on the internet or in real life. Not everyone is like that…don’t worry too much about these people. If anything, they may just be dealing with their own problems and taking it out (unfairly) on you and others. Embracing some kind of spirituality, (doesn’t have to be a religion), can be invigorating…anything that nurtures your spirit and speaks to you…whatever that may be. Finally, art, music, or some kind of expression can be very healing, especially if you are dealing with dysphoria. I used to practice martial arts. Doing so was a release, a form of self-expression, and good exercise.

    Ok…Sorry for being so long-winded and rambly. I hope that I haven’t been too pedantic or patronizing–such was not my intent.

    From one odd one out to another,
    May you find strength : )


  2. Lane

    Yes it gets better! i wrote this ‘piece’ about how others see me and how I handle it (maybe it will mean something to you, too) and posted it on which, like this site, is a pro gender-queer body acceptance site. Here is what I wrote:

    See their figuring faces cast furtive third glances, hear them ‘correct’ themselves to establish cozily inaccurate binary spaces, feel them add up me like a sum and frowning when the job cannot be done. All while I stand tall, not caving nor crying- and sometimes smirk at their stammer while wishing they would stop trying… and just accept who they see. I’m 42 here, now 43; no op, no T, just doing my gender as…as plain ole me.

    “Is that a gay boy…with- um- tits? A dyke in a beater who spreads legs when they sit? Or a woman…with leg hair and a bush in her pits?” This and more, and none of it fits to a tee, cuz I’m not a package in a box or in need of such labelling…I’m just plain me!


  3. George/Anne

    It gets better. You have this site and all the persyns here. You have intense reserve of strength that sometimes you forget about or haven’t discovered yet.


  4. Ari

    Yes. Sending love and light.


  5. ME

    Yes. Remember this-it takes an immense amount of courage to live honestly in the face of judgment. Every day living that courageously is something special, something worth living for. At the end of the tunnel is a community of people who will recognize and love you for your strength. Until then, sending love. May it keep you strong and hold you in light.


  6. Linsey

    Yes, it does. Hang in there.


  7. India

    Hold on, it does get better. The only constant is change so just hang in there. It sounds like you are a very valuable person to have around so don’t go anywhere. This world needs people like you, remember too that no matter how much it seems like it, you are not alone.


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