India wrote…

I have identified as genderqueer for many years, and have been confident and secure in my gender neutral, polyamorous life. But now I’m pregnant and it seems that fact automatically throws out all other parts of my gender and sexuality. People who have known me for years are acting like I’ve somehow “converted” to a straight life. I know who I am and feel the same as I always have but it is frustrating to be judged as suddenly “normal” because of this.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on September 8th, 2012 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 5 comments »

5 Responses to “Pregnancy”

  1. Soulfairer

    Hi, India!

    It is normal to be “normal”. Do not worry about being “straight” or “queer”. Just live as you see fit!

    Just remembering, being “normal” also means you do not know the “other” facets. It does not mean you aren’t able anymore to go back to your gender neutral life!

    Other people are used to judge us. Let us not do that to ourselves as well!


  2. B

    I’m in a similar position. I’m an AMAB genderqueer, and I’m also a new parent. it’s hard, as you say, all of a sudden people seem to be thinking of me as this straight male, a label and set of expectations that I’ve been frustrated by my whole life.

    The experience has forced me to be more out as a non-binary person. I’ve changed my name to something more neutral, begun correcting people (at least the ones I care about) when they call me a dad, and am looking into laser hair removal and hormone replacement. It’s also made me closer to other trans* parents, although so far just on the internet.

    good luck, and you should post photos of your baby when they arrive!


  3. Anonymous

    I find this is a struggle in my life too. I work as an Early Childhood Educator, I help at-risk parents with childcare services and education.

    As a female-bodied transmasculine genderqueer, it can be soul-eating to be in a work environment that is soooooo heavily associated with females, it’s killing me.

    On top of that, I do plan on having kids someday, and I will probably be pregnant. My biggest fear is being told I’m somehow cheating, or that I wasn’t telling the truth.

    Parenting is a natural desire. The physical aspect has never defined our gender, so, we just have to keep pushing that fact- it never has, it never will, baby inside or not.


  4. Adam

    These are the moments when walking the walk gets really tough. I’m bi/genderqueer, and only recently have I been able to think of myself as a parent one day. In the past I had a problem, a mental block that would only let me see myself as a dad who would never cut it as “a dad.” If we had children(I have a partner), would they be tormented because something is obviously “up” with their dad? The last ten years have been very hard for me, lots of emotional struggle that everyone here can relate to, and if I indirectly became the source of that torment for my own child, I don’t know I’d handle it. I’d have to somehow get it together and be there for them no matter what . . . . but that is behind me now. A parent is a parent, and raising a family is a very human and enriching way of life. To everyone reading this, if your genderqueer/trans/bi/gay friends express a desire to want to be a parent, or is already on their way, support them 110%. They need it now more than ever, because these are the times when society really sees us pushing the rules and really challenging what it means to be a human. This needs to be a supportive and nurturing time, not one for struggle and heartbreak. Take care India,


  5. pixypi

    You seem to disappear as a queer trans* once you have kids. My partner and I are weird regardless of our genders and sexuality but once we had kids all the sudden everyone was friendly, wanted to jabber at us and the idea of personal space disappears on occasion. It was bizarre and really hard to get used to for a long time. Our bodies are extreme enough to scream our sexes to other people too so we just disappear into a heteronormative binary and I think seem normal if dark to most people.

    People we know are still rather out of the loop with who we really are so that hasn’t changed. I told one friend who went on to tell me how I was wrong about my own gender and they knew better, ending with “but hey it’s a free country”, as if that made whatever they said fine. On the internet I mentioned it specifically on an Adafruit google+ post and was bullied and told to deal with the importance of the words Mom and Dad that cis people have. Like what? Adafruit’s tacit approval is why I don’t give them money! I guess I’m glad that to random strangers offline I appear normal enough because of my kids so the more insecure cis people leave us alone and we’re relatively safe most of the time.

    It’s certainly odd being so very strange and suddenly being treated as if I were always normal. It didn’t make me like people more than I already don’t but disappearing has a convenience. Not being recognized as or being accosted for being a trans* parent and being pushed back into the binary because of being a parent is confusing and just plain sucks. What can we do but try to find people who recognize who we are and at least be happy we know who we are on our own. Too our kids will completely love us for our parenting regardless of sex and gender stereotypes and I think they’re lucky to have a lot of freedom to explore just what societal roles mean.


Leave a Reply

Can I show your picture? If you have a Gravatar associated with this email address, it will be displayed as your photo. If not, I'll just put a picture of a fork next to your comment. Everybody likes forks.

Be nice. Judgmental comments will be quietly deleted and blacklisted. There's plenty of room for those elsewhere on the web.

For legal reasons, you must be age 13 or older to post a comment on Genderfork.

You can use some HTML tags for formatting, e.g. <em>...</em> for emphasis (italics) or <strong>...</strong> for strong emphasis (bold) or <a href="http://(url)">...</a> for links.

Back to top