A one person story

Someone wrote…

Progress seems so difficult to gain when it comes to gender identity; it makes me wonder if I’m broken or if I’m just unlucky. I can go to bed one night with a strong conviction that I am indeed truly female, but when I wake I realize that physically I’m still male and doubt attacks.

The easy solution seems to be “proud” and just express myself however I’m feeling each day, but that isn’t what I truly need. I can barely survive living as a visible male, but the thought of looking like a manly woman hurts too much to make…progress. I need to clarify, there is no such thing as incorrect gender expression, but one that mixes both specific genders does not fit me.

I feel so lost and confused; yet I feel like I have all the answers I need. I wonder if anyone else has ever been in this dark hole before, a constant conflict in yourself and no progress is being made. I keep asking myself questions and the answer feels blank, but still carries a ton of weight somehow. I want to seek guidance, but know this is a one person story.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on December 10th, 2013 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 3 comments »

3 Responses to “A one person story”

  1. german dude

    I (faab) am so on this exact same page since 2010, feeling so sure and one second later the doubts hit me.
    Who am I to think I am allowed to “create” a “new” person? Why should nature have made a mistake especially with the small worm I am? Why me? Whats so special about me? Maybe I am just too afraid of taking responsibility for the body I have, maybe it`s got other reasons I try to escape from with telling myself that I must be trans? Maybe I did not try hard enough to be ok with what I got. Maybe I am really just a woman failing to be a good one. Maybe I should be more proud of beeing that woman which is never goog enough. Maybe I should take that place and try to stop wanting what I can`t have!!

    Next second I know, I really KNOW it in my heart that I don`t have a future when I stay like I am now!! Whenever I visualize my future as a woman it is like a vampire on a photograph. A woman like me does not exist in my future. The pictures are empty. I can only see some kind of freaky queer guy with punky hair and subversive style in my future. I can see a guy who is honest to himself, who is respected by others, who is reliable and true.
    I always tell myself that I can be happy `in the middle`, that my head needs no category or binary. I don`t need words like man or woman. I just know that I don`t want others to read me as the woman they see. because she does not exist. If only I could snap my fingers and just restart and get born with a male body…I guess I would be the same freaky queer feminist unicorn I am now, and I am sure that I would be as weak, foolish, bad and depressive as I am now. But I would have more energy to survive because I would not have to deal with this daily disphoria. i would be able to build up real relationships, because I would feel home in my body. Not like now, always alone….

    But yes, it is a one person story. Still you and only you can make desicions for your life. It`s a great gift but also a hard lesson.

    If you find out how to convince yourself, how to make desicions easier or how to end all this confusion, let me know!


  2. Anonymous

    I relate to this a lot. I have found that trying to find role models to see myself in or drawing to create my own in an imagining of a future self has allowed me to feel a little more okay with things, but yeah…It’s just tough! It’s times like this I wish I could be like one of those folks with superpowers that allow you to shape-shift…I’d change gender presentation all the time!


  3. Skye

    I came out as a trans man in December 2010, felt okay in that place for 2 years. Then, since the start of 2013, I lived in the realm of gender uncertainty up until December 2013, when I came to the conclusion that the past 3 months I’ve been thinking why no gender seems to fit me is because I haven’t got one. I feel comfortable in a place of genderless-ness, and free to express myself however I want. There are no Agender rules! And even if there were, I wouldn’t pay any attention to them.


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