Someone wrote…

How can I continue to be a Dad and become the woman I feel I am?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on January 30th, 2013 at 08:00 am

Category: questions, your voice 4 comments »

4 Responses to “How?”

  1. Als

    A couple of ideas come to mind for me. Firstly, there are plenty of people who have to be both parents to their kids, so maybe looking around online to see how single moms deal with the dad issue could help. Secondly, maybe you could talk to your kids about what “Dad” means to them; depending on their age you could do an exercise where you write words they associate with Dad around a picture of you or as a spider diagram. Obviously if they’re older they’ll either figure out something’s up or maybe you’ll be out to them already. I do think though that you don’t have to worry too much about involving your children in this issue; checking in with them about the kind of parent you’re being and the state of your relationship isn’t the same as offloading your problems onto them, and it might be possible to incorporate gender issues into that. They might even appreciate the opportunity to discuss their own experiences with gender.

    Whatever you choose to do, I hope it works out for you.


  2. Lane

    I’m going to assume that you aren’t looking for advice on how to come out to them, and any other parent in the picture, but asking how you can provide the male role model that they need while being a woman. My answer; it’s a heterocentric myth that kids need one parent to be a male role model and another to be a female role model. All you need as proof of that is to look at all the successful gay, lesbian and single parent families. Kids need parents who teach them how to be good, loving, responsible people. They need parents who show by example how to live an honest, brave life. And, this gets underrated a bit, they need parents who are emotionally stable and thus able to be fully there for them. That means taking care of yourself so you can take care of them. Having a model for how to stand up for yourself and be authentic to yourself is far more important than a gender role model.


  3. Anonymous

    It’s interesting… when my partner first brought up her desire to have kids, I was mortified. And now, despite my female body, I can’t wait to be a dad.


  4. Jesse

    The operative word here is parent. Now, if you grew up with really, rand “father” mean, then this is going to mess you up… you’re going to find yourself trying to live up to different expectations – not because your children want/need something different but because the little kid in you thinks they do – and you may not know how to do/be these things. You can really get screwed up and it can be really awful for them, because they do not know what is going on in you. The real thing you need here is partnership. Working with their other parent to make sure that the parenting experience in good for the kids will help you more than anything else.


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