Out of need

Someone wrote…

I went shopping yesterday for the first time in a long time, out of need as usual, and never of want. It always reminds me that I have to find things that accommodate three things I hate about myself: big breasts, big hips, and all-too-obvious curves. Dressing neutrally is impossible; if anything, it looks like an odd quirk on an otherwise feminine frame.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on February 9th, 2013 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 6 comments »

6 Responses to “Out of need”

  1. Anonymous

    I hate that you experience this… as I know completely what you mean. It is my experience too, and without the desire to begin hormone treatment, I feel stuck. This is probably why I’ve ended up with tons of shoes… because it’s easier for my feet to be dressed neutral than the rest of my body.

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  2. Anonymous

    I can see where you’re coming from. I don’t want to take hormones either, being genderqueer and not completely FTM. I am lucky enough to have a slender, less gendered frame, but sometimes I think I look like a girl in men’s clothing when I wear… well, when I wear men’s clothing.
    It’s important to learn to be happy with who you are. A lot of the self-esteem enhancers for people who are considered to be “girls” include things like “You’re beautiful” and “Love your curves” (believe me, after being through an eating disorders program and coming out wounded, I know all about those things). For you, though, it’s more important to accept your body, even if the gender doesn’t feel right. Recognize that your physical body is what gets you through life. It is the reason you can write, laugh, hear jokes, and do all the things you love to do. Life is short, so it’s best to get all the joy out of it as you can. I’m not very good at this, but I do think it’s important.
    Also, when I see a person who looks female but doesn’t act like one, I don’t automatically assume that they are just a weird female. I think, “Oh, maybe they’re genderqueer! Cool!” If I ever happened to meet you in person, I might very well think that about you, too.

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  3. Anonymous

    Ahh, I completely empathize with this! I’m pretty thin, but my butt and hips are just SO WIDE. If it wasn’t for that, I think I could be seen more neutrally in public. >.<

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  4. Dana

    I’m not sure how you identify, but a binder can easily flatten your chest, and curves. It might be somewhat uncomfortable, but it would make it easier to dress neutrally.

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  5. K

    Obviously I don’t know what your body’s like, but working with weights and exercising in general has helped me feel better about my body and how it looks in what I wear. Gaining muscle and losing fat (which all of those female things are made of) makes for a more balanced body, gender-wise. Being fit and healthier* also does wonders for one’s confidence, I’ve found.

    *I absolutely don’t mean someone can’t be fat AND healthy. And you might be physically active and still have lots of fat (I do!). But in general a more active lifestyle is more healthy, regardless of weight or body fat or whatever.

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  6. Lane

    I’m sorry you are struggling. I would offer that there are many shapes and sizes of bodies walking around out there, regardless of sex or gender and they don’t all fit a proscribed ideal, but your own experience is exactly that- your own, and so the key is how to improve that specifically. I agree with other posters: do the shoes, get a strong binder or make one and see how this works for you. I don’t know if you wear men’s clothes already or not but I would steer you toward these exclusively…no built in curves to fill or fight with and they hang or sit lower on the waist, instead of ‘fitting’ and hugging in. Suits, vests and sports jackets are boxier, more masculine and can hide stuff… Check out compression tee’s and underwear like for sports and see if this smooths out some curves also; these under looser mens clothes may really help you feel more neutrally presented. Use accessories to make whatever point you feel your clothes or body may be missing…all of this in mind, remember that the energy you put out is often more telling about your gender than what you are wearing

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