Profile: the trans boy with the thorn in his side

You can call me… “the trans boy with the thorn in his side”

I identify as… a trans fag top who dearly misses his lost gay boyhood. Therefore, I am over-obsessed with recapturing it, through skateboarding, surfing, listening to The Smiths, and watching melodramatic films about pretty gay adolescents.

As far as third-person pronouns go, … he. And not, “He? heeheeheehee you’re a fucking girl!!” Unfortunately I’ve heard this crap before.

I’m attracted to… beautiful sensitive fem boys who like to be topped and don’t care that my big cock isn’t attached to me permanently. Boys who know that no matter how much a top I am in bed, I am a total sensitive basket case sissy outside of it.

When people talk about me, I want them to… NOT compare me to “Joan Jett” or “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” or ANYTHING ELSE related to “tough bad-ass girl dyke.” Zero-to-four for the LOSE, people. I am not tough OR bad ass, nor am I a girl, nor do I like to fuck girls or get fucked by them. Sorry to interrupt your little world where every person declared female at birth, who doesn’t identify with that, is automatically considered a ‘tough dyke’.

I want people to understand… that had I been born with a dick, I would not have to fight so hard for anyone to understand who I am. Instead, I would fit perfectly into your ‘sad prettyboy faggot’ box. Not that fitting into a box is ideal either (it sucks as well), but it appalls me that my misfortune with the gender lottery has made EVERYONE unable to understand me or question my gender/sexuality (“But you’re pretty! How do you want to be a boy?” “Are you sure you’re not a lesbian?”) when if I HAD won the gender lottery, I’d be perfectly comprehensible to them. Sad and arbitrary.

About “the trans boy with the thorn in his side”
I love cats, writing, scuba diving, paragliding, melancholy music, cultural critique, my amazing boyfriend, gay boy porn (trans and cis), surfing, skateboarding, reading, fantasizing, drinking, sleeping, my flat chest, baseball (my bf and I turn baseball games into homoerotic fantasies), and wishing that there were future lives so I could have a dick, because I feel (and always have felt since the age of eight) that I have a phantom limb attached to me “down there,” which is incredibly frustrating.

» Define yourself. «


Posted by on August 11th, 2013 at 08:00 am

Category: profiles 12 comments »

12 Responses to “Profile: the trans boy with the thorn in his side”

  1. german dude

    oh yes!!! I feel quite the same. When I am not watching any of my favourite gaythemed films I spend my time beeing angry and agressive about the lost years of beeing this little, nerdy, gay teenage boy having this dramatic coming out. I whish I had been born “right” and could have done…..what teenage boys do. (I guess all readers know what I am speaking of!!)
    All I can do is just…stop eating to slim down, to get rid of this nasty hips and boobs and wait for my therapist to let me transition….I am so sick of having to proove this to her…

    I mean, I still can have my “dramatic” coming out as trans, but I am old now and nobody can give me back these years of male socialisation I should have had. I often think of it like someone has stolen my real youth, like…I would love to blame it on somebody, like there had been a thieve who took my dick away when I was little. But I won`t get it back.
    There are moments when I just want to sream out loud “who the hell stole my penis???”

    I am afraid that the older I get until I am through with transition the less chances there are for me to live a real gay relationship…..I won`t be that handsome cute gay guy I pictured myself to be all my life….

    [Reply]

    dudu replied:

    I fully understand u. I too always felt that my penis had been stolen since I was a kid :/ I never felt right in my skin. I am also not young anymore (35) and these feelings of not having been born in the right body are still daily haunting me. You are lucky though that you CAN transition even if it is a bit late (I dont know your age).
    In my case I CANT, because if I do I will be thrown out of the family and for sure my mom will commit suicide…. I am from a very strict family with extreme homophobic feelings and disgust towards gays and people who dont fit strictly into the two main genders…….. and even though I am not a child anymore the family remains a close part of ones life forever, so changing gender is forever out of the question for me….. because I cannot bear to cause so much pain to the people around me….

    [Reply]

    german dude replied:

    I am sorry to hear that all. I have this huge bunch of familymembers….they are cool and funny and openminded and have big hearts. But on the other side they are so normative and boring most of the time… But still I love them because they are all I have. I am afraid to loose one of them, if I tell them everythinig.
    The thought of having to pay such a high price for getting happy…and losing people who alway say they want to see us happy….
    When I talked to my mom about my genderconfusion I asked her to use a new name for me. She seemed to understand, she wants to understand, I believe. But whenever she calls me now she calls me by my old name as if I never had said anything. Maybe she is just ashamed, and does not want to explain this to anyone else, why she calls her “daughter” like that….Maybe she has just forgotten what I had said. So, why listen to someone to whom my words are so fucking unimportant? She complains about me not calling her that often anymore. I know why, and if she had listened to me and if she was interested in what I am saying, she would know. why.

    What do I try to say….I mean, just think of what you want. They can be with you in this process, if they love you. And if they refuse to be with you in this, well..maybe the love is not that big…and they will miss a very fablulous new you! Their Problem.

    Can I ask you something? I thought about your last words a lot….and the question that comes in my mind is: can you bear to cause so much pain to YOURSELF by not changing your gender??? It is YOU you have to care for. I guess most of your familymembers are adults, they can care for themselves. It is not your job to make them feel good. They can go for a spa weekend, if they need to feel better. You, you only have to do what feels good for YOU. I know this is easily said…I am still working on this one myself. But you have to ask yourself, who do you see in your own future? How do you look when you are…80 years old, sitting on a bench in a park…what is your gender on that nice and sunny afternoon in the park? What is the gender of your future?
    Do you have a future, if you stay like you are now?

    I am a very spiritual person, I have my god and my believes, I would not call myself christian, but fuck yes I am a believer!!! I believe in the great evolution and this great beeing, that most people call god. This god has built up a great place for us in about milliions of years. I am a believer in the power of nature who made us exactly the way we are. I don`t say god makes no mistakes, because god is emotion and emotions are not always linear and perfect. Emotions evolve, grow, change…. God is alive and so are you. And you have the permission to get happy. You have the right to evolve. Where would the world be if everybody had decided to stay the same some million years ago?

    I hope this helps somehow. Sometimes I really can be a drama queen, I know.
    But we only have this one live, so as the doctor said: Alons y !!!!

    Maybe you are at your best, keeping this body and facing this challenge each day, maybe you are this kind of fighter?….That`s ok too…..

    [Reply]

    the trans boy with the thorn in his side replied:

    Hey guys, I’m the OP and I understand and relate so much, it’s frightening. My parents pulled very similar shit on me. “We don’t have a son, we have a daughter, and you will KILL your grandparents AND your mother if you EVER take any steps towards this ridiculous DISEASED OBSESSION of wanting to be a BOY. You CAN’T be a boy. You’re too short”–my father. This conversation occurred 17 years ago, when I was 20 (I’m in the same age bracket as you guys! I envy the younger trans guys A LOT). I had just met my boyfriend at the time (Dad: “R. seems gay. He’s so feminine” Me: “He’s bi, but he sees me as the boy I am and loves me.” Dad: “Then he’s heterosexual and insane.”). I am still with my boyfriend. My dad now admits he wishes that I had been born a boy because I would be “happier”, but “you’re not a boy and will never be one. I wish I wasn’t bald, but I’m not going to wear a toupee and pretend I’m not who I am.” Ridiculous analogy, huh? Okay, let me get to the point. There is still time for you, germandude, to meet amazing queer boys who see you as the men you are. For both dudu and germandude, here’s my parental misery issue: I am desperate to get back on T (parents made me stop by threatening to cut me off, disown me and ‘die from the stress you have caused this family’). It takes so much courage to stand up to this kind of pressure. My fear of doctors and poor health is only amplifying the anxiety. I would second germandude’s advice about your family. To me, it all comes down to conditional vs unconditional love. I have always felt that my parents’ love is limited to the extent that it is there if I am the person they want me to be, and is not there if I’m not. Parents adore their babies and young children because they can shape and mold them–once the kids get their own opinions, sexual identities, gender identities, etc. some parents (like ours) will flip out and the unconditional love will turn conditional. They will think that since they brought us into the world we owe it to them to be what they want (including the gender they want us to be). It’s terribly sad that to my parents I’m not a human being; I’m a “girl” and the second I change something that has tortured me since the age of five or so, I am nothing to them but a cause of pain. I waited so long for them to change their minds–over sixteen years–and while the larger society has gotten better about trans people, they haven’t changed at all. Sometimes you need to accept that and realize it’s YOUR life…not your mother, or your family’s. I wish I had accepted this years ago, at the age of 21. I ruined my health “self-medicating” because living as a girl was so traumatic for me that I had to be drunk 24/7 to do it. Of course, my parents were just as angry (threats of disowning, etc) by my “bad behavior”. I wish I could go back in time and realize that these people will never love me for myself, and hurting myself in order to try to be the person (read: “girl”) they wanted would not only fail, but would also give me such crappy health that when I finally decided that they weren’t worth it, I might not even be able to get a T script again.

  2. b

    what a charming man you are. and a handsome devil, to boot, I’m sure. as for this comment, I know it’s over….I think I started something I couldn’t finish. hopefully soon, I will be Asleep.

    [Reply]

    the trans boy with the thorn in his side replied:

    I should have been Wild(e) and I should have been free, but Nature played this trick on me (I have this tattooed on my arm!) I am sure you are a handsome devil yourself. Btw, have you ever read “Morrissey: The Pageant of His Bleeding Heart” by Gavin Hopps? It is a pretentious but brilliant analysis of Morrissey/The Smiths’ lyrics. I would love to write a book analyzing Morrissey’s lyrics from a trans man’s perspective. There is just so much…”I have forgiven Jesus for all the desire he placed into me when there’s nowhere I can offload this desire.”…”So what difference does it make? It makes none, but now you have gone, and your prejudice won’t keep you warm tonight…” My boyfriend and I cover “Reel Around The Fountain” together all the time (I play lead guitar, he plays rhythm and has a lovely voice)…it has become our song. Alas, I just wish I could pin and mount him like a butterfly, without having to pin something to my groin in order to do so….”I’m not the man you think I am, I’m not the man you think I am…and sorrow’s native son, he will not rise for anyone…”

    [Reply]

  3. Just Another Soul

    “…my bf and I turn baseball games into homoerotic fantasies…”

    You just made my life. I’ve never heard a better reason to watch baseball. Just thought you should know you made me smile :)

    [Reply]

    the trans boy with the thorn in his side replied:

    I am so glad! Yes, we have spent many a night doing so…eventually when the game ends we have our own “extra innings” where we role play being high school baseball players together. He actually WAS a high school baseball player (pitcher, even though he’s *really* a catcher, if you know what I mean ;) while I was stuck on the stupid-ass softball team as starting shortstop. I’d ogle all the boys who played baseball on the neighboring (and much better) field and wish I could be them and fuck them…ah, high school, pretty much the last place I’d go if I had a time machine! (We are just about to watch the Rays vs. Rangers compete for the last wild card slot!)

    [Reply]

  4. *Mrcoyboi**

    wow. simply: wow

    it’s fine to be a ts and fag. at the same time
    too bad ordinary peoople don’t understand it. i used to be called a fag on the street when i passed, it was just right but the way it was spoken infuriated me and made me give scary looks at them x)
    anyways, i’m on my way to physical transition-have to wait a few months. and whether the thing residing between my legs is a phantom or not doesn’t bother me at all

    i love the way you speak of yourself keep being like this ;)
    greetings from greece

    [Reply]

    the trans boy with the thorn in his side replied:

    Thank you! You too! Best of luck with your transition, I can’t WAIT to get back on T! btw, I totally relate to the fear of someone yelling ‘fag’ at you. On one hand, I’m like “Thanks, yeah, that’s what I am” but on the other hand I’m all, “Homophobic ass, what if he comes after me?” *puts keys in between fingers and forms fists*.

    [Reply]

  5. maia

    i feel like i can’t be a trans gay guy because it’s that much more complicated. because i’m not sure i’m trans but the fact i like boys makes me think i shouldn’t be… i need someone to talk to because it sucks. . but it seems impossible to find a trans gay guy who could help me in some way or another

    [Reply]

  6. the trans boy with the thorn in his side

    Hey! I’m here to help, I don’t know how you can contact me through this site…but I’m gonna sign on to the forums as this user name. I’d love to talk about this, as I’ve had to argue with some about this situation in the past. there are tons of gay trans guys on the internet, although I don’t know any trans people in this pretty yet provincial town in which I live, much less gay trans guys. Here’s a way to think of it: Sexuality and gender identity are two totally separate things. For instance, guys assigned male at birth (cis guys) who end up gay aren’t girls, so why should you have to choose between being a boy and liking boys? I’ve tried to tailor my responses to my audience. For example, if a straight trans guy tells me I can’t be trans because I like guys, I ask him if he believes there is a difference between straight women and gay men, and if he believes that liking men makes you a woman. Of course he will say “of course there’s a difference you’re not a woman just because you like men.” Then I say, “Are you necessarily a girl just because a doctor said you were a girl when you were born?” and he says “NO!” Okay, bro, now put the two together. I was assigned female. I don’t identify that way. I like men–the way gay guys do. Sadly enough, the fact that I am a total top with guys (I DON’T get fucked, either in the front or back hole), have had top surgery, and am a boyish fag makes some straight trans guys “get it” more than they would a gay trans guy who is a bottom and uses his front hole and is no-surgery/no-ho and likes to do drag, but this shouldn’t be the case! We are guys no matter what we like to do in bed, and with whom. Cis guys get fucked by guys, cis guys are super fem, cis guys do drag–why do we trans guys have to prove our maleness by adhering to silly stereotypes of heteronormative masculinity just because of an accident of birth?

    [Reply]


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