Question: FTM transition on my mind
Riley asks…
I have identified as genderqueer, using neutral pronouns for about three years now. Occasionally throughout my entire life I’ve stumbled on thinking about FTM transitioning, but over the past 7-8 months it’s been on my mind constantly. I have watched every video I can from the FTM YouTube/Tumblr community and I am going to a Trans*/Questioning support group to try and figure things out.
My QUESTION is, to any FTM trans* people, how did you know it was time to medically move forward and start the name change process?
Please post your response in the comments below.
» Ask Genderfork «
Posted by Freiya on October 20th, 2013 at 08:00 am
Category: questions 5 comments »
October 20th, 2013 at 9:53 am |
I am stuck with this same question for 3 years now. How do I know it for sure?
But all the answers I got said all the same: nobody else can tell you when the right time is. Only you know it yourself when you are ready.
I was listening to a Ben Sigston song very often. Lines like
” It’s the place that you go / It’s the thoughts in your head…”
and
“…It’s the time that you try
It’s the time that you need…”
and
“…So turn around if you know what you want…”
helped me to find out that only I myself can give me this….absolution to change my life. I will know it someday. I will be sure someday.
And someone here on genderfork told me that it has very much to do with abandonment…you will know when you are ready to let all doubts go, to give in and to go for what you need.
I try to visualize myself in a future some years from now, and for me it is a good sign that I don`t see (me as) a woman in my future. But still I have doubts, I am not ready to let go, to start.
I don`t know if that helps you, but as I ask myself the same question you asked I thougth I can comment this to show you that your are not alone with this. I am starting therapy soon because my doubts and fears and this “endless” waiting and thinking lead to a medical depression.
Maybe one should not wait too long? But then again you should take your time to think and figure out your truth…thats not easy.
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Thomas replied:
October 21st, 2013 at 4:07 pm
Your response really resonated with me. I am not the OP, and this really helped me. Thank you.
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October 20th, 2013 at 3:20 pm |
I knew it was time when the gender dysphoria symptoms were really starting to grind me down. If, when you examine your body (shaped by estrogen as the whole thing is), you feel that what you’re looking at isn’t yours, that it’s alien, and that you cannot for the life of you examine it closely without getting a sense of deep unease and/or depression, then hormones help enormously with that. I’m an FtM three months on T, and those feelings have died down with my limbs at least–I can look down at my hands and just have it CLICK that they’re mine, for the first time in my life. If for you, it’s gotten to the point where your instinctive response to your own body is deep unease and depression–and for gender dysphoria, those feelings are far more visceral than they are for body image issues–then I would move forward if I were you. I think if you’re okay with your current physical traits as they are, then more power to you because that really IS awesome, but if it’s a major drain on your emotional energy budget, then IMO the risks of that far outweigh the risks of transitioning.
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October 21st, 2013 at 9:25 am |
Riley,
As someone who has been exactly where you were once before, I think the most important thing (as others have touched on above) is to be honest with yourself. Talk to others, ask what the journey felt like for similar-minded folk, and listen to what your body/heart has to say.
Explore all options on what it would mean to you to transition. There’s not one right way. Do you think hormones would aide you in your journey to become the truest version of yourself, or would it be upsetting to lose certain ‘traits’ of your physical body? What do you feel legally changing your name will accomplish? In terms of gender, how do you see yourself in 5 years? In 10 years? Ask yourself the hard questions now, so later you have no regrets.
No one can tell you exactly what it’s going to ‘take’ for you to make that next step. For me, I increasingly couldn’t stand the sound of my own voice, and hearing “ma’am”, “miss”, and “she/her” — it was so bad that I developed a severe case of Social Anxiety Disorder, and I couldn’t even make phone calls for fear of what people would address me as. That, on top of debilitating body dysphoria lead me to make the decisions I did, and within a few days of taking that first shot, I thought, “so THIS is what everyone else feels like.” It obviously took some time for everything else to come full circle, but I’ll never forget that feeling of finally being able to breathe. It’s been over 3 years now, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been — I’m grateful I listened to my heart and had the strength to live as my true self.
Keep going to your support group, keep asking the hard questions, and stay strong. All journeys, whatever the end result, are hard, but the fact that you’re even honest enough to ask the questions is a good sign. Continue to be honest and listen to your heart; everything will fall into place with time.
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November 10th, 2013 at 5:54 pm |
I knew I was dysphoric about my chest for the longest time, but wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to change my name or start t. I decided to try t when I came to a point when I knew that I would never be able to let it go without at least trying it. And then I started on a low dose and carefully monitored how I was feeling about it the whole time. Turned out it was SO right for me. But I never knew before I tried. Of course, your mileage may vary.
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