Question: How should I react so that I don’t make things worse ?

aggelos or angel asks…

I keep worrying too much about coming out as male. I’m just a non stereotypical guy.

I’m afraid nobody will take me seriously, my best friend didn’t, and it’s the same with my parents. I get infuriated every time a person doesn’t behave the way I ask them to, even though I’m really patient and answer all their questions. How should I react so that I don’t make things worse ?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «

Posted by on September 12th, 2013 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 4 comments »

4 Responses to “Question: How should I react so that I don’t make things worse ?”

  1. Aida Elias

    You should give more information to your friends and family, I believe. In my case, when I came out as queer, people didn’t understood me. Sometimes I dress female and sometimes male, so people tend to believe I am just playing or experimenting. What has worked for me is explaining that I believe in a non binary conception of gender, that I feel more like an androgine and not because I dress “male” or “female” it means that I identify with any of those labels.
    I explained that to my boyfriend, he understood what I meant and now he knows that he can use male pronouns with me, even if I am using a skirt.

    So yeah, information. It is easir to take someone seriously if you really understand what they are doing.


  2. Boo

    It also might be useful to just not have expectations for people…Go ahead and expect the worst case situation, (rejection), and prepare for that, (physically, financially, mentally…etc…). At a certain point, if people aren’t taking you seriously when you are treating them with respect and explaining yourself as earnestly as you can, if they keep treating you poorly, you may have to re-evaluate whether they are really being your friend and/or whether you need to let go of them and cut them out of your life. This obviously can get tough with bigger relationships like family…I recommend taking gentle care of yourself, finding someone supportive (online or otherwise) who can relate and listen, and maybe checking out coming-out guides…This one is for sexual-orientation, and about parents…which it sounds like you’ve already dealt with…but it might be of some help with dealing with people/emotions/reacting:
    Most of all, just know that it’s not an easy situation, but you’re not alone.


  3. Callista

    Well–I don’t know how applicable it is, but I learned this from shaving my head. Most people read me as female, which is my biological gender, but I hate having hair, so I cut it off.

    Anyway, I found out that things went best if I was okay with having no hair, and obviously didn’t feel as though other people’s opinions of it affected whether I thought it was okay or not. They saw that I liked it and didn’t care whether they did, and mostly they just shrugged and went, “Okay, if that’s your thing.”

    So yeah, if you’re okay with it and other people read that off you, then usually things work out pretty good.


    Callista replied:

    OK, I just re-read that and I have to add something: I’m aware that shaving your head is not nearly so controversial as coming out as trans, and I hope it didn’t sound like I was trivializing your concerns. If I did, oops, unintentional, and sorry. If somebody is transphobic, your confidence probably won’t make them accept you… thankfully, that sort of person is not the sort of person whose opinion about you matters; but their hostility is still something that can be quite hurtful and tough to deal with.

    The stuff I said, about how if you’re okay with it others will be too, mostly applies to people for whom it’s just new and strange, people who don’t know quite what to say or do and might never have (knowingly) met a trans person before. The best way to reduce that kind of passively absorbed prejudice, the kind that causes uncertainty and isolation rather than hate, is to get to know people from the other group, to increase familiarity and reduce fear of the unknown. I think that if you are obviously okay with being trans, people who are unsure will become a little more confident about interacting with you too; and you may teach them to become more friendly the next time someone they know comes out.

    But when it comes to people who are openly hostile, I just advise you to stay safe, protect yourself, and leave them to their bigotry.


Leave a Reply

Can I show your picture? If you have a Gravatar associated with this email address, it will be displayed as your photo. If not, I'll just put a picture of a fork next to your comment. Everybody likes forks.

Be nice. Judgmental comments will be quietly deleted and blacklisted. There's plenty of room for those elsewhere on the web.

For legal reasons, you must be age 13 or older to post a comment on Genderfork.

You can use some HTML tags for formatting, e.g. <em>...</em> for emphasis (italics) or <strong>...</strong> for strong emphasis (bold) or <a href="http://(url)">...</a> for links.

Back to top