Wish for the Day

Someone wrote…

I would do ANYTHING to be perceived as an androgynously beautiful “pretty boy” type. But I fear that there is NO WAY to do this. I am so uncomfortable with “she” and “her” and “[birth name]” and hearing ‘ma’am’ or ‘lady’ literally makes me sick to my stomach.

I am four foot ten (you can’t even imagine how much that sucks…it goes along part and parcel with my gender angst and makes it even harder for me to have an androgynous body because there is NO PLACE for the “female” ass and hip and thigh body fat to go!).

I just wish for the day that I could find a way to be the androgynous boy I feel I am–no matter how much surgery is needed. But with my height, features and family genes, it seems impossible.

If I try to dress in the androgynous style I like, and wear baseball hats (which I DON’T like–too frat boy) and no eyeliner, I’m considered a ‘butch dyke’ when I don’t see myself as a masculine female who likes women.
If I dare to put on eyeliner (in glam-rock David Bowie style, btw) and show my short yet still hipster-y (hate using that word, but had to describe it somehow) haircut and still wear my androgynous clothes, I get “pretty laydee” this and come ons by straight men that make me want to puke.
I just can’t win.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on May 30th, 2013 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 11 comments »

11 Responses to “Wish for the Day”

  1. Robin

    Hey Freiya , I´m five feet something and not the hypermasculine type, which inevitably leads people to perceive me either as female or as a kid. This is so depressing… I just wish for people to see me as the androgynous boy I am. I try so hard to hide my breast, but it´s not really small so it doesn´t seem to work 100% even though I´m always wearing a binder. I wish I could get rid of them, but it´s too expensive.
    Sometimes I even get kind of envious of all those boys (biological and not) who seem to have the “right” features – even though I know it´s bad and I remind myself non-stop that there isn´t anything like “right features”.
    Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you´re not alone.


  2. Glen

    I’m 5’0, so I empathize with you. No matter what I do, I’m perceived as female just because of my height.


  3. idris

    I know your pain, too. I’m about 5 feet tall, have big breast and very noticeable hip so no matter what I do, there’s pretty much no way to make me look like a boy I feel I am.

    But I’m absolutely sure that all of you are gorgeous the way you are. And don’t give up! Maybe one day you’ll all figure out a way to make the world see who you truly are!


  4. Orselina

    I am with you on this, 100%. I’m very short (4’11”) and chubby, and so my options are limited to a-shirts and jeans. I still wear eyeliner just cause I like showing off my eyes.

    Like you, I see myself as more “pretty boi/dapper dandy” than “butch,” but my shape does NOT lend itself to tapered cuts and fluid silhouettes. Losing weight is all I can do to remedy this, but I would never suggest to anyone, because fat shaming is lame.

    Companies like “Tomboy Tailors” do cater to menswear for women/bois, and “Genderqueer Fashionista” usually has some great ensembles and advice. I hope that helps.


  5. fluffy

    It’s just as bad from the other direction – 5’8″ kinda-masculine looking, would rather be seen as an androgynous but girly person.


  6. Anonymous

    And this is why rigid standards for men/women/etc. stink. :(


  7. Anonymous

    I’m also 4’10” and want nothing more than to be read as an androgynous boy type, but alas, dyke-y girl is all I get, and the occasional assumption that I’m a twelve-yr-old boy (I’m actually 22). The one thing I have found helpful as far as wardrobe issues are concerned it this site called Topman from the UK. They’re a bit pricey but they offer everything in men’s XXS and it has saved my life. Menswear in small enough sizes without using the boy’s department is so hard to find! Trying to present a way that gets you read the way you want is challenging, while trying to maintain your own style and expression and wants. Gender norms confuse me. Everything feels so contextual….


  8. Jesse

    Reminds me of “A Thousand Clowns” where one character asks “You’re not short, what makes you think you’re short?” and the other responds “because everybody is taller than me.”

    Some people, it seems, were born in the wrong bodies. They have dreams and desires that the body they have will never allow. I am a larger person than I want to be (both height and circumference). I’ve always been kind of big and awkward (no one would ever call me statuesque). When I was a child, what I wanted to be was either an otter or an ocelot. I was really sad that I would never grow up to the anything interesting like that.

    When I was young, no one ever called me pretty. I was ordinary and quite plain. Now I am too old to aspire to be anything but interesting looking.

    I would have given anything to be elfish and graceful as a teen. I always afraid that I’d grow up to be one of those people coming out of M&S in cheap shoes with a carrier bag and a frown.

    Well, recently I have come to terms with hating my body. That hatred never did me any good. The things I tried to do to change it were not very successful. My body generally does what it is supposed to do, albeit with more complaints (I’m almost 60) than earlier in my life. It’s the only body I am ever going to have, so I’ll just have to do what I can to keep it from falling apart for a few more years. I know that when it is gone, I will miss it.


  9. happeningfish

    Some days it will be really hard.

    Other days have courage. Other days you get to occupy a social space that isn’t seen; you get to be the one who makes people stop and think, take notice, see something beautiful.

    An FTM friend of mine is definitely really short. He gets away with it by going for a practically Hobbit-type vibe. Silly, it seems, but people are captivated by him.

    With my great hips and bazooms I learned in the last couple of years that dressing like a guy, but dressing very WELL, makes the difference between me being perceived as a butch lesbian (which I prefer not to be seen as) and a pretty/handsome andro type. Dressing conservatively male looks very good on a female body.

    In the end, you are what you are. Surgery and hormones only do so much; you have to own your own space and work it. And you can.


    Anonymous replied:

    I concur on the conservative male dress, though I personally would not term it “conservative,” and more “expensive.” I got the idea from my partner and what he wears, after I tried some of his stuff on and just went shopping with it on. He wears trousers, button-downs, etc., and onky ever gets treated with respect. Even if he got a “Ma’am” it would be with utmost respect. Though I doubt he’d get one, even if he does kill in a gown.


  10. Tru

    I can sympathize. Being the six and a half foot tall androchiq in the room is tough…


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