Definitions of fear
Someone wrote…
Fear.
Of the unknown ahead of me: I have decided that this is the year I make my stand and stop hiding the beautiful woman i can be inside of the male body I inhabit. Not entirely sure how that’ll be accomplished or where that will take me. Little bit scary, that.
Of how people will react to the way I choose to present myself to the rest of the world: never been possessed with an abundance of self-esteem to begin with, so venturing out into the world while trying to present myself as a gender I have not been socially conditioned to be, and have few of the generally accepted physical attributes of is also a bit scary. Will I be accepted? Yeah, in some places by some folks, I’m sure. Will I be laughed at? Probably. But I’ll just need to do my best to deal with that. Will I be physically attacked or assaulted? Hope not, but i know this still happens more often than most folks realize. So I will do my best to be safe, and i will put up a hell of a fight if need be.
Of never “really being a woman”. Is it enough to have the self-perception that you are female? Is it enough to wear the clothing that society considers to be feminine? Do I need to have surgery to get all the way there? Or is that still just artificial? Will I always still “really” just be a man because of the way I was born? I perceive myself as a woman, and i am attracted to women – can I call myself a lesbian? Or am I really just a man trying to appropriate a culture I can never really be part of?
Of dying alone. Of never being able to fully achive self-acceptance, and therefore being unable to fully accept the love and affection of another.
What’s your experience?
Category: your voice 2 comments »
March 24th, 2014 at 4:33 pm |
You sound like a super courageous woman to me! I have found that it is feeling the fear and doing the important things anyways which is really the most life affirming and fulfilling thing. I admire anyone who can muster up the strength to even embark on that kind of journey. As for calling yourself a lesbian–and really it’s up to you…my opinion doesn’t count for anything–but I’d say if you identify as a woman and you like women…then you are totally a lesbian…regardless of the geography of your body or what others deem you to be. If you resonate with that identity with a pure heart…and aren’t just saying it as like a joke at a party or something…then that absolutely entitles you to embody that identity. I have thought about and studied gender now for a bunch of years…and if we can’t determine our identities ourselves, I’m not really sure how else we can describe true gender. Given the vast variation of the way people look, act, feel, etc…there just doesn’t seem a sure and fast way otherwise. We are who we know ourselves to be. (That’s my take on it, anyways…)
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Aeron replied:
March 25th, 2014 at 8:40 am
Thanks for your positive and encouraging comments. Reading them has been a very good way to begin my day. I don’t think of myself as courageous, not really. But I appreciate that you see me that way. More often than not, I still have to back myself into a corner to provoke the action I need. But, I think I’m needing to do that less and less as time goes by as I learn to “own” my situation. Self-awareness can be a real bitch, sometimes. And learning to give myself the freedom to be self-aware is even harder, it seems. I have little doubt that by the time i get to where I’m going, I will make some Psrink very happy by paying for their child’s college education. :)
Thanks again for the kindness and positivity. Hopefully you’re day is going well, too.
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