I’m a genderqueer who has birthed two children and now feel all kinds of messed up about my gender, not that I ever felt comfortable with it.
My hetero male partner loves me to bits, but doesn’t understand why I “want to make myself less beautiful”. I have started getting fit, and love the way the muscles look on my body. The sharp angles that are appearing as I approach a body fat percentage that suits my image of myself – not male or female, somewhere in the middle.
He tells me that he wouldn’t mind me “role-playing” as a man (or maybe he thinks I’ll be role-playing as a butch dyke? I don’t understand), and thinks I’m trying too hard to label something that isn’t important because I’m in a straight relationship anyway…but if it isn’t important, why do I want to care so much about what these conflicting feelings and thought patterns mean?
Most people who know I’m not straight (even though I’ve been in a long-term monogamous hetero relationship) just think I’m bi, a term which sits as well with me as “woman” does. For some reason, female doesn’t seem so bad?
I don’t know how to deal. I need to do some thinking, but it’s very hard when my partner keeps reinforcing my femininity when I don’t want him to.
What’s your experience?