Question: Coming out as gender fluid

V asks…

What have people’s experiences been when coming out as gender fluid to friends and family? I have only this year after a lifetime of anxiety and dysphoria, come to the phenomenal realisation that this is quite obviously who I am and who I was always meant to be.

However, I am very nervous about telling people about it, because I think it will not be as obvious to them.

It’s not because my friends and family are not accepting and open-minded, they are. But they will still be confused. The thought of gender as a binary concept is still so ingrained in everyone’s minds; I almost feel like it would be easier to come out as trans* because then at least I would kind of be one single definable thing…

The thought of explaining it over and over again to everyone I talk to, with the emotional wounds from 22 years of repression and denial still ripe, feels insurmountable.

How come you haven’t said anything sooner?
How come you didn’t realise sooner?
Are you sure you’re not just exaggerating your tomboyishness?
How are we going to know when you’re a man or a woman?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on December 1st, 2014 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 69 comments »

69 Responses to “Question: Coming out as gender fluid”

  1. minefloozle

    When I came out to my parents as genderfluid, I made them a folder that contained definitions of different genders, sites they could go to to find out more, and a selection of articles from those sites (including a Merriam-Webster approval of the singular “they”).

    I talked for a long while explaining things, and then had a very long discussion with my dad about what exactly gender is. Neither my mom nor my dad quite understand, even after all that, but they do believe me.

    When I don’t want to get into such a long discussion with people, I simply inform them that I’m going by gender-neutral pronouns now. So far everyone’s reacted with acceptance, but I am at a liberal-arts college and everyone I’ve come out to there has been involved in theatre or already informed about gender, so make of that what you will.

    You’re right– a lot of people are ignorant about gender, and so used to being ignorant about gender, that it’s difficult for them to get out of the binary mindset, no matter how accepting they might be. It’s a terrible thing.

    If you’re going to come out, the sad truth is that you’re going to have to be prepared for explanations. It’s awful, and one of the reasons I’m not out to everyone yet. Though I must say, once I told one person, I felt energized to tell everyone else…maybe you could try coming out when you feel up to it?

    You don’t HAVE to come out, either. I understand both wanting everyone to know and not wanting the hassle that comes with it. It’s fine if you do, fine if you don’t–doesn’t make your identity any less valid. You do you.

    (And if they ask you questions you don’t want to answer–don’t answer them. Those are personal questions. They’ve got Google. You have no obligation to be their special tutor in gender.)

    From one genderfluid person to another–I’d send along some hugs and some tea (if you’d like them, of course), if only I could through a computer. You’re wonderful.

    [Reply]

    Your Mom xD ( Im not saying ) replied:

    omg thankyou so much! i am going to come out to my parents in about a year, because theres alot of crap going on with the family. this helped me so much, thankyou!

    [Reply]

  2. Mel

    I was 23 when I told my mom, I’m 31 now and she still does not believe me. My Father just won’t speak about it at all and the rest of my family don’t formally know but some likely do..
    Being genderfluid is hard when it comes to being accepted, a lot of people just want you to pick ONE.. But that’s not how it works.. Whatever you do remember you are awesome no matter what anyone else thinks. :)

    [Reply]

  3. Thomas

    If you feel the need to come out, take it one step at a time. if it feels insurmountable with constantly needing to explain your gender, consider coming out to one close trusted friend, and building their ally-ship by asking them to help you explain it to one other friend (that you choose). Repeat until you have a small core of close allies that can help you tackle your social group.
    I read a great blog post somewhere (that of course now I can’t find) that reminds me that coming out is a process. It’s not a single event. It’s something you need to choose for every person you meet. That’s the downside of being in a non-visible minority within a culture that takes the visible majority as the default.
    Remember too look at why you want to come out, risks vs. reward (does it put your safety at risk? financial security? etc.) for each person, and in each situation.

    [Reply]

    Anonymous replied:

    Thank you I already started this with one friend but now I can help more people understand thx you so much

    [Reply]

  4. Claude

    Hello,
    I have wondered about “coming out” for a long time….
    Age-wise, I am 45 and this whole thing has been in my mind for at least 35 years, so don’t give up.
    I don’t feel manly enough to appreciate the body given to me by nature, and I don’t feel womanly enough to actually change into a new body. But it all depends on the day, hour, minute, second, the weather, the season, the position of planets or of whatever else my mind decides at that particular moment. I would love to have an M-F switch. I think it would have to be replaced once in a while because I might wear it away from overuse. But I digress…
    I gave up on actually “coming out”. I don’t know what I would say anyway…. “Hello! I am no longer a man, but not entirely female. I am something in between. Sometimes male, sometimes female, most of the times lost in the neverending continuum between the two.” I said this to one person actually, not long ago, and it went pretty well. He’s been friend with me for 30+ years and knows quite a bit about me.
    I gave up on “coming out”, but I did not give up on me. I started shaving my legs about 10 years ago, even when wearing shorts in the summer. I got a tattoo 2 years ago : a tramp stamp including a butterfly and high heels (no weird questions asked by the artist). I am getting my legs, armpits and other bodyparts lasered (Very professional people, no questions asked). My desk at the office (power company) has flowers, the Girl’s Calender (not that kind!), and my pink walkman. I wear all kinds of colors and garments at work (no skirt or heels yet, except on Halloween :-D).
    So, am I coming out as genderfluid? No. Actually, I think I am, in a non-vocal kind of way. I am certainly getting more colorful, more feminine, every day.
    Just trying to say that there are a lot of options out there, find yours, or invent one!
    Don’t forget : You are not alone!
    All the best,

    [Reply]

  5. Matthew/Melisa

    I think we’re pretty far past the point, but if you’ve yet to come out yet, start with someone who is gay, someone who will know what situation you’re in. It doesn’t really matter if you want to come out as gender-fluid unless you’re a teenager living at home and want to cross dress, in which case you should come out to your parents. If the subject comes up in a conversation, casually mention it like it isn’t a big deal because it really isn’t. I’ve yet to come out to anyone straight or anyone I’m related to, but until I truly feel the urge to wear a dress around the house, I will decline from mentioning it unless it comes up. Sooo, yeah. Start with members of the LGBT group and go from there.
    Oh, and as far as pronouns and whatnot, I don’t think it matters when you’re having a conversation with people, because you’re right there, and “you” can be used as well as a name. If you’re discussing past events, it probably still won’t matter because most people will chime in or be telling it themselves. As for greetings, most people will likely guess your current gender by the color and clothes you wear at the time.

    I hope this is helpful, some of these I have yet to try. Good luck if you want it.

    [Reply]

  6. V

    Hi everyone,

    I’m so grateful for the time you’ve taken to compose kind, helpful and considerate replies to this question that I sent blindly into the cyberworld. I’ve taken a lot of your advice onboard, and I feel very different about the situation than I did a couple of months ago. I’ve now come out completely to three people! I told my dad and my best friend when I was back home for christmas. I wasn’t actually planning on doing it, the right situations just sort of happened to materialise and it felt pretty natural, although quite emotional and scary obviously.

    A big change came about when I realised I needed to start thinking positively about the whole thing, rather than letting fear, anxiety and worry get the better of me. This is part of who I am, and I should appreciate it, love it, and be proud of it. So as for coming out to the rest of the world, I am kind of preparing them and myself by starting to dress and act precisely the way that I want to. When I wake up each morning I take a moment and let myself consider: What gender do I feel like today? What clothes would I feel comfortable wearing? This has resulted in me presenting much more neutrally/masculine than usual on an everyday basis and on new years eve I wore a bow-tie, button-down shirt and suit trousers. I felt amazing and got lots of compliments! :)

    I have also realised, that if I don’t make it into a big deal, the people in my life probably won’t make it into a big deal either. So all in all I would say that I have managed to turn down the anxiety quite a bit, thanks in part the kind comments I received on this post and all the other inspiring posts and people on this website. You’re all lovely.

    V xx

    [Reply]

    tigr replied:

    Thanks for your update! I’m glad genderfork keeps being such a wonderful, useful, helpful resource to people out there. Makes me very happy. =)

    You’re all very lovely indeed.

    [Reply]

  7. Lee/Leah

    I just went downstairs dressed as a woman said ”I am gender fluid” and i went outside” when i came back after telling my little group of friends my parents had googled it and told me to find somewhere else to live.But my friends were a lot more accepting and i was able to crash at their place.Later that year my parents and I met up in public I was then dressed in my feminine form they definitely recognized me and they walked past giving me a death stare.So i tried to talk to them and I ate them.

    [Reply]

  8. Lee/Leah

    I just went downstairs dressed as a woman said ”I am gender fluid” and i went outside” when i came back after telling my little group of friends my parents had googled it and told me to find somewhere else to live.But my friends were a lot more accepting and i was able to crash at their place.Later that year my parents and I met up in public I was then dressed in my feminine form they definitely recognized me and they walked past giving me a death stare.So i tried to talk to them and we made up.after 7 months of not going home i went home to find gender fluid flags displayed all over the house.Today i came out as gay andIi am typing this when i am supposed to be packing.

    [Reply]

  9. Sharon/Shane

    I told my parents I was genderfluid earlier this year and initially they were more confused than anything else, but the more I explained the more they didn’t accept it. I was born female and into an Asian household so their gender barriers are very segregated. I was expected to be a “fair lady” and ridiculously feminine. It’s been about two months and my dad has become neutral but every time I try to talk to my mum it ends in tears (mine). She doesn’t accept anything apart from the average person. If someone walks down the street wearing more than 2 black clothing items she will point and hiss “goth” or “punk” or something stupid like that. Oh, have I mentioned? She’s also racist.

    [Reply]

  10. immotus

    hey shane\sharon I’m in the exact same situation but the only difference is that I haven’t came out (because its nearly impossible to). Asian, more specifically Chinese, culture in my family has very strong influence in everything my parents allow me and my younger sis to do. Including the very strict and almost ridiculous gender norms of soceity. She always asks me to wear dresses and I would ask why I have to conform to gender norms and she gets pissed off. Oh, have I mentioned? She racist too.

    [Reply]

  11. Storm

    Hey I’ve had problems coming out… I mean my family is understanding and I’ve had a couple close calls where my dad or mom have seen my minecraft skin as a girl when I’m a girl or when I was on this website. Or when I first learned about gender fluidity and I told my mom about it and we got into a talk about. The problem is that I’m a teenager and I just get this weight on my chest to tell my family about it but I just can’t get it out… Can anybody help me find how to tell my family?

    [Reply]

    Mikaila/Nico replied:

    im a teen too. its hard, but i believe that honesty is the best policy. good luck!

    [Reply]

  12. Unicorn

    I have a very complex problem, my friend is trying to come out as Generfluid but her mom believes it is the same as being gay. She has tried multiple times to come out but her mother just believes her to be gay and makes her to do feminine things. She will not listen and just believes she is trying to hide being gay. Her father is even worse, he don’t belive in that kind of stuff. She has tried to write a letter to her and to talk to her face to face but nothing is working. She is also very shy and scared because we are in the deep south so it’s very dangerous. I don’t know what to do….

    [Reply]

  13. Rainbow

    She needs to try to explain some more because her mum might just be very confused because being gender fluid is an extremely confusing concept. I am a lesbian gender fluid teenager that has told my mum and another person in my family. Instead of trying to understand the concept and help me become more comfortable they just wanted to seem accepting (which they are) and said ok. I love how accepting they are but I would love it if they used gender neutral pronouns (at least). And try to use a nickname that I have that works for both genders. Should I ask my family to do that?

    [Reply]

  14. Shem

    Hi forks ! :)

    My birth name is Astrid and some of the time I’m okay with it.
    I’m a 14yo French (living in France) genderfluid and I want to come out but I’m really anxious.

    My mother is a bit lgbtq-phobic and close-minded, and the rest of my family is more open-minded but they might think it’s a “phase” and I’m afraid they laugh at me.

    On the other hand, even if my mother doesn’t like it, I start buying clothes in the “boy” section and I want a chest binder for my birthday.

    Any suggestions or ideas for the coming out, for explaining the word genderfluid ?
    Thanks ;)

    [Reply]

    Max replied:

    Hey :) moi je ne m\’appelle pas Max a la base mais je ne supporte plus mon nom qui est trop féminin..
    J\’ai 15 ans (donc je crois que maintenant on a le même âge) et je vis en France aussi ^^
    J\’ai fais mon coming out a mes amis les plus proches il y a quelques jours dans un groupe de discussion sur messenger et ils me soutiennent tous, même mon petit ami s\’en fiche tant que je me sens bien.
    J\’ai trop peur pour l\’instant de le dire a mes parents mais je pense que je vais écrire une lettre a ma mère pour lui expliquer sinon je n\’y arriverais pas.. Donc je n\’ai pas encore de binder alors pour l\’instant je me contente d\’une brassière de sport (c\’est vraiment pas l\’idéal ^^)
    Je ne sais pas si tu verra ma réponse mais est-ce que tu as fais ton coming out depuis que tu as posté ici?
    Tu peux me contacter par mail si tu veux: MadGhostAlex@gmail.com
    Ou alors j\’ai Twitter et instagram (taxicabforjosh) mais je ne t\’oblige a rien! :)
    J\’espère que tout se passe bien pour toi,
    Max

    [Reply]

  15. Sam

    Hi all

    Where to start? I\’ve still not come out as gender fluid yet and I\’m a 24 year old assigned female at birth. Im lucky enough that my name can be shortened so far down that it can be used every day no matter how I\’m feeling.
    When I was 16 I started using bandages for chest binders because at that age, I had little or no money for a proper binder and was so desperate to be a boy. I actually thought I wanted to change altogether but found that some days I still wanted to be a girl. At that age I was so confused. My girlfriend at the time never found out what I was doing though it came close so I stopped with the binders and I’ve hated myself for it ever since.
    So now here I am at 24 and engaged to be married to my girlfriend of 4 years. Things can be really tough for us at times and she\’s not the easiest person to open up to. I really want to tell her how I\’m feeling about all of this and just be able to come out and not worry about hiding it anymore. I don\’t know how to do it or what to say to say to her. I want to be able to wear the binders when I want and be accepted by my own fiancé.
    Help?

    [Reply]

  16. Jaden

    im a teenager, born female. Ive recently come to grips with myself about being Gender Fluid. Im not sure if i should come out at all but i kind of feel obligated to come out to one of my friends at least because she came out as bi to me last year. i dont really feel in necessary since i have a gender neutral name in the first place and i dont want people to feel stressed about not knowing which pronoun to use at which time. Even if i do come out i dont want to make a big scene about it, i want it to sort of be casual if i decide to. And by recently, this has been the only thing on my mind for the past few months so its not like i havent given this any thought. Im not even really sure about being Gender fluid because i mostly feel more masculine or like i have no gender at all, very seldom do i feel female. And im nervous about wearing my boys clothing to school because i dont want people asking questions or saying stuff like “Your not a boy, why are you wearing that?”. I know this probably sounds ridiculous but if anyone could tell me what i should do or how to come out in a casual conversation it would be very greatly appreciated.

    [Reply]

    Shem replied:

    Hi Jaden !
    If you want to wear boy’s clothes, you can, and I’m sure nobody will ask you why, because that’s less obvious than someone with a boy’s body wearing a dress.

    For the coming out, I can’t answer right now because I don’t know how to do my own.

    It’s really stressful (at least, for me), and I think you should chose a few people you’re comfortable with and who will be supportive.
    They’ll help you to do your coming out with your family.

    [Reply]

    Alex replied:

    Hey, Jaden!

    Omg so I totally feel you, I’m in the exact same boat as you are. I was born female but now that I’ve started accepting genderfluid as a legit thing (for myself–I knew it was real before this) I have wanted to be more masculine. So in February, I chopped off all my hair, I have dyed it, and I now almost strictly wear men’s clothes. Nobody can actually tell that you are wearing men’s clothes bc they are pretty much the same thing as unisex. The only thing that might tip them off is designs, I guess, but it really isn’t bad. Nobody will notice/care so please don’t worry! I was so worried, just like you are, but I eased into it and it was the best thing I’d done. I have quite a lot of feminine clothes still, and I can’t bring myself to throw them out, but I can’t bring myself to wear them, either. It makes me feel like I’m in prison. Basically, just ease into it. It’s a process and for most, it’s slow.

    [Reply]

  17. Grey

    I really want to come out as genderfluid but I’m terrified I want my mom to accept it but I know she won’t understand or let me pixie cut my hair so I can be who I am. Does anyone have any tips on coming out or anything

    [Reply]

    Shem replied:

    Hi Grey :)
    If you think your mother won’t let you cut your hair once you’re out, ask for a pixie cut now (you can even show her pics of Emma Watson or Shailene Woodley, so she won’t say “it’s a boy’s haircut”).

    For the coming out… I’m sorry, I don’t have tips because my school told my parents and they all misgender me.

    I’d say… Talk about that to your most open-minded and supportive friends, so they could help you.

    Good luck, you rock ;)
    xoxo

    [Reply]

  18. Josey/josh

    Hi guys!
    Im almost sixteen and I’ve had a real struggle with being the way I am since I was seven and it’s always made me cry and the usual bullshit of feelings and sometimes really horrible dysphoria. I live in the Bible Belt and both sides of my family are really conservative and mostly closed minded except my cousins. Im out as bi to all my friends but only my cousin when it comes to family ties. Only four people know im fluid and that’s only because I was having a really bad time and was crying and the first three people were there for me through everything else of course one was an asshole and literally told me I needed help and was pretty much antichrist but oh well you get a couple bad apples every bunch the last person guessed. The three people I can openly talk to about it if I need to are really accepting but no one really talks about it and doesn’t make a big deal out of it which helps. Honestly the idea of comin out to anyone else scares the shit out of me especially my mom because I’ve already had close calls with her most recently this Halloween when I went as male characters three times to three different events and she got creeped out I guess.

    Personally just reading through all yalls stories helps me feel like I’m not alone and for all of you that are struggling with coming out you don’t have to and sometimes just coming out to one person at the right time will help you feel better comin out DOESNT have to be with everyone it’s a case by case basis and just because you’re fluid or bi or gay or anything else it doesn’t mean you have to come out to be that it’s how you feel no one has to know if you don’t want them to. Even if you’re the only one that knows that’s completely ok. But if you do want to tell someone I suggest taking it slow because it really is a process you can either beat around the bush or just take a deep breath and go “im gender fluid” it’s what ever is comfortable to you.

    One last thing: if they don’t accept you for who you are its NOT youre fault and they aren’t worth your time if they make you feel bad about yourself you don’t need their acceptance to be the amazing person you are.

    [Reply]

    Anonymous replied:

    Thanks so much for that bit of info Josey/Josh. IDK why but this really helpe me when I read this.

    I’m fourteen and the fifth out of six children in my family, I have completely mentally accepted myself as gender fluid but I really don’t feel ready to tell my family because my oldest sister/brother came out as trans assuming our family would accept him… But instead he was constantly abused by our father and died at age eighteen because of it, our mom never accepted him and didn’t care when dad beat him. She didn’t even care when my brother died. I’m mourning to this day and as scared as ever to come out and I don’t think I ever will.

    I’m scared as shit and I don’t know what to do. Please help!

    [Reply]

  19. Zachary

    Look, i haven’t had to good of an experience with my parents because well, my mom is homophobic and my dad is what i call “fluidphobic”. My dad isn’t okay with any other gender other than boy or girl. But its ok. But have you tried thinking about it from their point of veiw? I mean your parents have know you as their little boy/girl your whole life. Im 14 and its hard but you have to keep on trying. I tried to get my da to acknowledge me as his son but my dad’s side of the family is stubborn. Most people are about the gender thing. But just take little steps. Make little changes to show them your changing. My dad is ok with my bisexuality but i took a big step and cut off my hair to look like a boy. My father didn’t talk to me for the rest of that day. He wouldn’t even look at me. My mom cried the whole time as she watched my hair being shaved off my head. But they will slowly but surely start to accept it. Just take it slow. Love and hugs to every genderfluid person out there because we are all still human. \(^?^)/

    Sincerely Zachary/Desiree your genderfluid unit 44268

    [Reply]

  20. Max(ine)

    Hi, my name is Max when I’m a boy, and Maxine when I’m a girl. I’m 17 years old, and I was born male. I’ve just recently (5 months ago) moved out of my mom’s place in the Bible Belt in eastern KY, and in with my dad in eastern VA. In the Bible Belt, I got bullied horribly, and I had no real friends. It sucked, but I persevered. But no matter how hard I tried, my mother took no notice of me, and this drove me insane. I couldn’t stand it! She was always tending to my sisters. So I moved in with my father, who has a history of hitting me in the face, stomach, and head, and throwing me across rooms. (I only weigh 90 lbs.) He doesn’t do this anymore, because he knows I won’t put up with it. I decided to move out of the place that was soul-sucking, and into a place where I had a chance at a future. Occasionally, my dad brings up homosexuality, and he almost always tells me that he hopes that I’m not gay. But considering that I’m gender-fluid, and bi, I’m not going to come out to him. I just don’t want to, so I won’t. But I do wish he’d quit bringing it up. It hurts me. He yelled at me while I was half asleep, and having an anxiety attack simultaneously, and it caused a mental rift. My emotional and logical parts of me split into several cores, and those into several sub-cores. I can’t control which sub-core or core is in control. I have a horrid time managing anything, but my mindset changes so frequently. During the split, I entered the emotional core, and my logical core personified in my mind, and wrapped her arms around me. I cried and cried, which is weird because I haven’t been able to cry in a very long time. I don’t know what it is, but only my father can bring me to tears, and he does it just to be a dick. He agreed not to call me stupid anymore, so just to be a smartass, he calls me things like “pea-brain”, etc. I don’t understand. Before my mother hit me a few years ago, me and her had a pretty great relationship. After, I had horrid deals with depression, OFTEN considering suicide. I am now terrified of people, and most adults, which is a problem, because, as I stated earlier, I’m 17. As a result, without realizing it, I act very childish. I’m actually a very chill, mild-mannered person, but I’m really loud and obnoxious at times. All the while, I’m afraid that my girlfriend, who is pan, will leave me for my childish acts, horrible past (I used to be a very bad person, but I don’t want to go into that), and emotional baggage, which has been the cause of at least 1 panic attack. People here act nice, but I know that they don’t care, because I had the panic attack in my trig class, and I know that is was very apparant, and nobody did a thing. I’d like to come out, and I’d like to find an emotional “out”, but… I don’t know… My life is so dramatic, and everyone is always so mean to me, for an unknown reason. I’m very opinionated, and I stand firm in my tracks when I’ve made up my mind, but still. I deserve to be happy too, right? I long for someone to vent to, who knows all of this, and won’t care. My gf might be that person, but she also might leave, and I’m too afraid to make the decision, but not making a decision, by default, is the same as deciding not to tell her, and it is stressing me out.
    Anyways, thanks.
    Maxine~

    [Reply]

    Joel replied:

    Hey Max(ien). I’m genderfluid too, (whish is probably why i’m in this small corner of the internet) and just…. wow. I’ve got a bit of a history too(which is not something I wish to talk about) not NEARLY as extreem as yours though. But either way, I can kinda relate to the childish part. I’m an odd mixture of really mature and pretty kid-like. If you have a WeChat, Look for “JoelBeanieMaster” Or if you have a Kik, search for “magicbeaners” I’m not quite 15, but I would enjoy having conversations with you if you’d like.

    Sincerely Yours, Joel

    [Reply]

    Andi replied:

    Hello Max(one)! My name is Andi. I can definitely understand what you’re going through, my parents parents aren’t the most accepting, and actually my girlfriend has gone through something very similar to what you are. Ive just turned 18 and just recently accepted the fact that I’m gendrfluid it was hard for me to come out and say it, even to my amazing nonbinary girlfriend, I know how it feels to need someone to talk to so if you ever need someone to listen or rant to or get advice from, I would really like to help! For anyone else who looks at this it would be an honor to help you as well.

    Sincerely,
    Andi
    (Email: meowbeast978@gmail.com)

    [Reply]

    Andi replied:

    (*ine)

    [Reply]

    Caro replied:

    max(ine) i hope things will work out for the best you seem really nice and as a person your family and girlfriend should except you but everyone cant be controlled so i can just wish you the best of luck with coming out and with your life ???

    [Reply]

    Mikaila/Nico replied:

    I have a bit of a past as well, so i get where you are coming from. i myself have panic attacks. a lot of my friends just don’t understand what its like. people are often scared of something (or someone) different than themselves. just keep your head held high.

    [Reply]

  21. Alex

    Hey. My name is Alex, well it’s not my actual name, its my preferred name but it feels like my real name. I came to terms with being gender-fluid and it was a hard struggle but I’m getting there. A couple people know about me and they accept me and it’s great! Tomorrow I’m coming out to my entire art academy and I’m so nervous. I know they won’t judge me but there’s always that fear y’know? I’m afraid someone will call me a freak or refuse to use my preferred name and pronouns. I’m really sensitive about this and I’m not sure if I could handle that. So yeah, I’m over here struggling with anxiety at 3am. Hopefully everything goes well.

    Wish me luck guys! I hope everything is okay where you guys are and know that you’re not alone.

    [Reply]

    Scrat replied:

    I wish you luck! How did it go? Stay strong, Alex, you can do it! I believe in you! There’s many people who came out and it went well.
    Much love and support
    Scrat

    [Reply]

    Emerson replied:

    Hi Alex!

    I just figured out recently that I´m gender-fluid, and I was having a very hard time with it, but I am doing better(yay)!

    I already came out to my crush(who identifies as queer and has a nonbinary girlfriend) after Dance class, and she was very supportive, and told me that was incredibly brave of me to tell her when I was visibly nervous, which made me smile. I´m coming out to the rest of my friend group tomorrow, I´m a little nervous but they will all be very accepting. My half of my friends are part of the LGBTQ+ community, so I feel a little calmer, but its still scary as frick.

    I hope coming out went well for you. Wish me luck! Stay strong! I believe in you!

    ~ Emerson

    [Reply]

  22. Caro

    Hi im caro because i feel like thats a genderfluid name i recently told all my friends i was batperson not man or woman and one aksed was i genderfluid or something so i said yes and now they just call me they and my parents would disown my butt because ive already come out as lesbian (because im female at birth) and they reacted horrible so now im just dropping hints and being stressed so sorry for the depressing story :( im 12 btw and they think im too young to know but really the younger the better

    [Reply]

    Scrat replied:

    I advice you to not to come out to your parents. If they didn’t accept you as a lesbian I think they wouldn’t accept you as a genderfluid either.
    I’m also young, I’m 15 and I was 14 when I came out to my parents as asexual. I was told that I’m too young to know as well, but it’s been a year now and I still identify as asexual. So I don’t think it’s just a “phase”. (Btw, people start feeling attraction towards people since 10 years old so we’re both old enough to know that!)
    It’s good that your friends accept you, talk to them if you feel sad and depressed and they will support you :-)
    It’s natural and normal that you feel stressed, because your parents reacted horrible. But they’re your parents so they should love you no matter what, if not they’re bad parents. Stay safe and don’t come out to them as genderfluid if possible – your safety is more important! But don’t forget your gender is 100% valid and real! You are an amazing person, Caro and you can do it :)
    Feel free to message me (my email is scratilove@gmail.com and my tumblr is scratilove.tumblr.com ) I will talk to you and support you.
    Stay safe my friend!
    Much love,
    Scrat

    [Reply]

    Emerson replied:

    Hi Caro!

    I´m 13, and after coming out to my parents, they WERE supportive, but warned me that me being gender-fluid might indeed just be a phase. But I´ve been struggling with this since I was 10. I am gender-fluid, and I really doubt that will change.

    So here´s my advice: You are old enough to know yourself(although people may tell you otherwise). If you know you are gender-fluid, you ARE gender-fluid. Your thoughts are 100% valid. Like the lovely Scrat said before, if your parents aren´t supportive, find people who are, who love you for you, and surrond yourself with them. You can do it! I believe in you!

    ~ Emerson

    [Reply]

  23. Hope

    Hi, I am Hope, I am 12 years old, I have felt that way for about 2-3 years now not know what it was I though it was a faze, or maybe just a really really Tom Boy. Now that I am old and can understand everything now I see what I really am, I really do feel like I am gender-fluid. I am not sure how to tell my parents because they are full Christian and they only believe in that, how do I tell them!? I mean this is me, they already yell at me and punish me for cutting my hair, well my dad let my mom dint they’re divorced so ya. And now I get yelled at and forced to ware girly stuff to look like a girl when I don’t want to. I feel like a boy, I feel like a girl, I feel like both. I am human like everyone else why don’t they see that? Any Types please? And I believe in you! Just be you that’s all that matters!

    [Reply]

    Scrat replied:

    Hi Hope! :)
    I understand your feelings very well. However, as long as your parents are Christian and already punished you for cutting your hair I think it’s not safe for you to come out. My parents are Christian as well and I also hate it when I’m forced to wear girly stuff to theaters or family parties.
    Your identity is 100% valid and you are an amazing person but if I were you I wouldn’t come out, because it might be dangerous. Your parents might yell at you and punish you even more.
    Try to explain to them how you feel. Tell them that you feel better with boys clothes. They’ll understand – they’re your parents and they should love you no matter what! It’s just a clothing after all.
    You can message me if you want ( scratilove@gmail.com , scratilove.tumblr.com ) and I’ll support you :)
    Stay safe, Hope, you’re valid, don’t forget that :)

    [Reply]

    Matthew/Melisa replied:

    Hello Hope. You could find that passage in the bible that says something like “there is no male and no female in the eyes of Jesus” or something. I have no idea where it’s at, but with a little searching you should be able to find it. It might help if your parents are very religious, but it might not. Take it as you will.

    [Reply]

    Aurel replied:

    For the info it’s Galatians 3:28 – “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

    [Reply]

  24. Dan

    Hi there everyone.

    I read your stories and I too can sympathise and empathise with you all. I am 36, a father of a 5.5 year old boy and have a girlfriend of 10 years. I’ve always had a feeling of gender fluidity (although those words were not around when I was a child) and recently it has been getting stronger. For me it seems to have been brought of by huge amounts of stress (I am a Prison Officer). Having researched and read alot I can finally say I am gender fluid. I am having therapy (for stress etc) and since talking about unrelated matters, life is becoming slightly clearer.

    Apart from work, I wear “female” clothes, most days. No one says anything and its all about confidence in wearing them. I’m not talking dresses in public (although I have worn high heels with jeans) but female t-shirts, coats, shorts, cut off trousers and vest tops. I’m not “out” per se but am starting to push the boundaries a little by wearing clear nail varnish. Little by little I am conditioning people so it’s not so much of a shock. My girlfriend is half Dutch and she is brilliant with it and I am sure my Mother-in-Law who is also Dutch would be fine as well. It’s hard for me because of my “manly job” but I think in time I will come out totally and to hell with people and society. If we are happy in ourselves then who are they to tell me what I can and can’t wear. Does it affect them? Will it affect their lives? Will they catch whatever horrible disease I have? No, of course not.

    I’ve rambled on a bit here and I really don’t know what else to say apart from be true to yourself, trust yourself and do what feels right. I am, bit by bit and slowly and surely I feel a little less anxious and feel more at ease with myself.

    [Reply]

  25. Alex

    I’m Alex (not my assigned name but I always felt this more) and genderfluid too and I’m 13. Wow, there are more of us than I thought. I am definitely part male and part female and part neither. I have no clue how to tell my middle school GSA (they think i’m straight and cis) or my parents who would be accepting. My dad is working on gender neutral bathrooms for his new office building. I started out very girly cause thats what I was supposed to do, then I was a tomboy and then I got super confused. I got a hair cut and dress pretty masculinely and tell people I hate dresses. Although when I asked to get a buzz cut the first time my mom said no and that Id look like a lesbian. I looked at her like what if I am? Most of these changes are fine with them but they just think i’m a tomboy. :( What do I say, “hey mom Im genderfluid and I’ll be in my room.” ? I don’t want to run away but I would want space. I hate talking to other people about this. I also can’t tell my friends. Especially one who is super into gay/trans rights but won’t expand her idea of me. Anyway I love that there are plenty of us out there and if anyone has advice I’d love to hear it.

    [Reply]

  26. Beck/Becky/Becka

    So the way I’m coming out right now is by slowly opening up. For instance, I start wearing boys clothes and next time I go cosplay shopping I buy a short haired wig, and if someone wants to go swimming i wear shorts and a t-shirt, slowly but surely. My mom already know i like both genders and is completely fine with it. If she asks me what clothes I want to buy if we go shopping i just say I don’t feel comfortable in dresses anymore and want something like boy shorts and a t-shirt. Also beanies. If you have long hair and are a genderfluid person, wear beanies. They’re like magic holy crap. But if you can’t wear beanies in school or something buy a wig or find a hair style that suits you!

    -Love Beck (boy) Becky (both) and Becka (Girl)

    [Reply]

  27. dylan

    hi my name is dylan i am nervous to come out but here goes nothing i just found out a year ago that i was gender-fluid at first i thought it was nothing but i was wrong and i live in a small town were no one will understand and will accept me i want to tell people but i dont know how to make them understand if u could help me please i would appreciate it

    [Reply]

  28. dylan

    hi my name is dylan i am nervous to come out but here goes nothing i just found out a year ago that i was gender-fluid at first i thought it was nothing but i was wrong and i live in a small town were no one will understand and will accept me i want to tell people but i dont know how to make them understand if u could help me please i would appreciate it..

    [Reply]

    Aurel replied:

    Hi Dylan!
    Coming out is hard, especially in a small town. Lot of people don’t understand non-binary identities, so I would recommend to come out to someone your age first, like a friend or a sibling. Older people are less likely to understand it.
    The second key is communication. Explain your identity. If they don’t get it explain it again till they understand it. Genderfluidity might be confusing and complicated to people so I would start to explain that there are more than two genders and some people just don’t fit into the gender binary and then I would try to explain that I’m one of those people.
    Fingers crossed, I believe you can do it :) Your family/friends might not understand it at first but I’m sure they love you and they will try to understand you :)
    I hope I helped :)
    Aurel

    [Reply]

  29. Cat

    I am 15 and I am bisexual and gender fluid my parents understand that im bi but they don’t know thay im gender fluid and when I talked to them about people who are gender fluid they said that it is bullshit and they are saying it for attention so this has scared me from tellingy parents about it but I really want to dress in boy clothes and stuff but I can’t untill I feel as if ive been accepted for who I am. I suggest if you want to come out just say it in a note because I think notes show that its important enough that u wrote it down. Being gender fluid is a big thing to come out as and I believe do it when you can do it when the time feels right and if they won’t except you then other will have you.

    [Reply]

    Aurel replied:

    Hi Cat,
    I think you shouldn’t come out to your parents, if they say that it’s bullshit. You can still dress in boys clothes, let your parents believe that you’re just a tomboy or something and tell your parents when they stop being so ignorant

    [Reply]

  30. Harley

    Im 13 and genderfluid/pansexual.
    I really want to come out to my parents, however when i previously identified as agender and i told my mother, she simply said i was confused.
    Any tips on how i could tell them?

    [Reply]

    Aure replied:

    Coming out to parents at 13 is really hard, especially as something like genderfluid and pansexual. These are identities that aren’t very well known by people in the previous generation, so it’s normal that your parents might think you’re confused.
    Are you really sure you want to come out? Don’t feel presured, because you don’t owe your parents anything. But it’s understandable if you still want to come out, because everyone wants to feel accepted.
    The thing is, that if somebody came to their parents and said: “Mom, dad, I’m gay.” the parents wouldn’t probably hesitate that their child acctualy means it and they’re sure about it. However, when somebody says: “Mom, dad, I’m trans/non-binary/something other than cis”, their reaction is always that: “You’re just going through a phase/having a teenage identity crisis/confused, etc etc.”
    So what you need to do is to explain. Explain, when they don’t get it, do it over again, use metaphors, show them videos/guides to parents of trans kids/anything that might help. Because almost everybody nowadays knows what “gay” means, but the non-binary identities are still an unexplored topic to most of the people. Remember, knowledge is your weapon, use it. Your parents think you’re “confused”, just because you’re a teen and adults teens usually don’t take seriously. Make them take you seriously and make them understand that your identity isn’t made up.
    Btw, this might help you: http://adventuresingender.tumblr.com/post/40944549628/so-your-child-is-genderqueer-a-guide-for-parents
    If they don’t accept you after that, that’s okay. You know who you are and that more important than what your parents might think. Your identity is valid :-) Good luck with that :) !!

    [Reply]

    Emerson replied:

    Hi Harley!

    I´m 13, and genderfluid, and pansexual! Kind of a weird coincidence, huh?

    I would say to have an argument ready. Explain why you feel this way. Have evidence to back it up. Parents don´t take their teenage children seriously, but if you have a strong bank of knowledge and explanations ready, they will realize that you are aware that this is who you are.

    Your identity is valid, and you are lovely. Good luck! I believe in you!

    ~ Emerson

    [Reply]

  31. c

    I’m 14 and a gender fluid female and I actually have a lot of people who accept me my parents are separated and my mom knows as well as two of my teachers and one of my friends (I haven’t told the others) but the one I’m really worried about is my father and brother just today I told my dad I was going to get my hair cut really short and he looked at me and said that I was so pretty with long hair but that he didn’t care and I asked him once if he had a really close friend that was gender fluid what he would do he said ditch them and it really wasn’t good so I’ve no idea how or if I should tell him please help

    [Reply]

  32. Mac

    So my name is Mackenzie, I’m 15, and I’m Genderfluid. I was born a female. I’ve come out to my counselor, and a couple of my close friends. I’m terrified of coming out to my parents though. They accept gays, but I don’t know if they will accept being genderfluid. Some people just don’t understand it and I don’t think they will. I’ve worn guy clothes to school and I got a lot of weird looks by people that go to my school and teachers at my school, but nobody said anything. I wanna cut my hair short like a guy, and I’m slowly getting it cut off, but after I tell my parents I’m afraid they won’t let me cut my hair. Plus I play sports, like 24/7. What do I do?

    [Reply]

    Mack replied:

    Hey Mac! I had to reply to this. I’m AFAB Genderfluid, generally not masculine. My birth name is McKenna, and it’s frustratingly feminine. I’m very young, and I think they won’t understand, but I’ve been sure for 2 years. Anyway, I believe my parents will be accepting but confused. My sister is pan, is going to a queer summer camp, and has lgbtq+ friends, and they’re fine with it all. I once asked my mom if she believed there was third genders. She said she knew about Androgynous, Agender, And Genderfluid, but she didn’t know about others. If I were you, I’d try that, and if they are accepting, then go ahead and do what feels right! I hope everything goes fine!
    Remember that you are valid, and stay safe! /Mack/

    [Reply]

  33. Anonymous

    I just came out to my trans friend. He was really supportive and it felt really good to have someone support me. I tried coming out to my parents, but they told me I’m just making it up. I also tried to come out to my friends, but they told me I am going to hell. Yep that felt nice. I’m hoping to get the full confidence to come out to them soon enough, but for now. I am happy with what I’ve done thus far.

    [Reply]

  34. Anonymous

    I want to come out to my mom for about a week now, but I don’t think that she would accept it. And I was thinking that maybe I just wouldn’t tell her, but I want to start wearing more masculine clothes sometimes and I’ve wanted a more androgynous haircut for a while. I’ve just recently started accepting that I truly am not a girl, not all the way atleast. I just wish that explaining this to my parents could be easier.

    [Reply]

  35. Mark

    Gender Fluid is a new term in my lifetime. I’ve been gender fluid all my life and can tell all of you that life has not always been easy. It’s not like I decide the day before that I will be feminine tomorrow. I go to bed, the brain starts working on that and I can’t sleep well. The next day, I am feminine. I’ve had to fight it off more times than I wanted to. I was in the Army for 22 years and had to be a mocho man and a lot of times I fought with myself. I would get depressed at times as I couldn’t come out like you can today. I had to deal with it. No, I am not gay. But I am pansexual.
    I just want to get this off my chest as I know many of you take a lot of crap about it. We aren’t deviants. We are gender fluid.

    [Reply]

  36. Anonymous

    Hey Im Genderfluid and im just a kid and its really hard telling them… help?

    [Reply]

    Mark replied:

    Really hard telling who, your parents or friends? Yes it is very hard to tell people. I don’t know your age but if you are still in school and under 18 years old, maybe you need to wait a bit. All of us go thru changes in our lives. In the meantime, you might see if you can find someone to talk about it with you that you would feel comfortable with. The final decision has to be yours and only yours.

    [Reply]

  37. Anonymous

    I don’t know how to tell my mom at all, she does not believe that genders other than cisgender are valid. And everytime she sees somebody breaking a gender role/norm, she gets weirded out. I love my mom so much and I’m scared that telling her will make her think of me a lot differently. Any advice or suggestions??

    [Reply]

  38. Ginge

    Get a build-a-bear. Preferably a rainbow-ish one. Get a voice thing for it and have it be a recording of you saying what you are.

    [Reply]

  39. Rose/Rob

    Hello everyone
    My name is Rose or Rob and I am a 15-year-old genderfluid.
    So ever during the begging of 2017, I started to question my gender.At one point I felt like a boy and then another I felt like a girl.so when I was 14 I discovered the term “Genderqueer” and when I found that out I was like wow this describes me.and so that went on for 3 months until Pride Month. During that time I discovered genderfluidity and I did not know what that meant at the time so I googled it and I saw that it meant “denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a fixed gender.” and when I saw this I was like this describes me so much.I started to try dress masculine but I couldn’t bc I have long hair and other stuff like that so during the new school year I dress as masculine and feminine but I need lots of other things so and some advice from other genderfluid people.So if anyone is willing to help please do and my parents will not buy me masculine clothing so any help will do.

    [Reply]

  40. Anonymous

    Hi, I’m thirteen and recently discovered I’m gender fluid.
    I know my parents are going to accept this as they support my trans uncle and take me to the Pride Festival, but I am sure they suspect I’m gay. How should tell them I’m LGBTQIA+ but not in the way I think

    [Reply]

    C.H. replied:

    Hello, Anon. I’m turning thirteen in a few weeks (close enough) and ever since I was about eight, I always felt wrong being stuck in a male skin. I wasn’t like any other boy I’d ever met– I did strange things, like crossdressing, and it just felt right. My little kid mind just knew to break more stereotypes and be myself no matter what so and it felt great.

    But, my dysphoria only started kicking in at age 10, when my legit evil step parent started emotionally abusing me like he does to this day. He’d bully me for telling Mom when he did mean things to me at first, but then he started bullying me for doing certain things because I was a boy. That confused me, and I started noticing the signs. I didn’t learn of the LGBTQ+ community until I was at least twelve, but I knew something was up.

    About a week ago, I finally saw what was right under my nose the whole time– I’m genderfluid. But, that’s the easy part. The hard part will be coming out. I’m not sure when to do it (maybe Coming Out Day 2018?), but I’m worried that my Dad will think I’m trying to throw a pity party for myself and crap, or that my EXTREME right-wing Grandpa will find out and… I don’t even know! ?

    So, yes. I’m a lot like you and I’m not sure when to come out. Maybe we can do it together.

    [Reply]

  41. Confused Unicorn

    I am gender fluid and I am not out to anyone, I am underage and I feel really bad not being able to dress the gender I feel. I want to come out but my Mom and Dad don’t like gays so I don’t know if they would be accepting of me. I don’t have any friends that are queer, I don’t know who to talk to about this and I’m scared.

    [Reply]


Leave a Reply


Can I show your picture? If you have a Gravatar associated with this email address, it will be displayed as your photo. If not, I'll just put a picture of a fork next to your comment. Everybody likes forks.

Be nice. Judgmental comments will be quietly deleted and blacklisted. There's plenty of room for those elsewhere on the web.

For legal reasons, you must be age 13 or older to post a comment on Genderfork.

You can use some HTML tags for formatting, e.g. <em>...</em> for emphasis (italics) or <strong>...</strong> for strong emphasis (bold) or <a href="http://(url)">...</a> for links.


Back to top