Question: I admitted to my bf that I’m bi, but how can I admit that I’m androgynous? What if this really is just a phase?

Olli asks…

Recently I’ve come to terms with both my sexuality and my gender identity. Androgyny just feels so right, and I feel it as a huge weight in my chest that needs to be indulged. I want to buy boy clothes and I can’t stop thinking about the life I want to live as androgynous.

If I was single it wouldn’t be a problem.

But I’m not.

I’m with a cis straight guy and I like him so much, maybe even love him. It took me a long time to finally tell him I was bi, and he took that fairly well. When he asked me if there was any other bomb I needed to drop, I was too afraid to admit my gender identity. I love spending time with him; there’s so much I want to do with him, and I’m afraid that if I indulge my androgyny I could scare him away.

I feel like if I told him, he would try to accept it because he wouldn’t want to lose me. But as time goes on, I’m sure he’ll realize it isn’t want he wants.

If he would accept my androgyny and we would be together, I would be so happy. If we’re friends I would be so glad, though sad that things couldn’t have gone differently. But if I lost him completely I would be so devastated.

I don’t want my true self to be rejected. Besides, what if I’m wrong? What if this really is a phase? I could ruin something great by indulging in something that might not even last my whole life.

This uncertainty and suppression torments my soul.

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on June 3rd, 2014 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 4 comments »

4 Responses to “Question: I admitted to my bf that I’m bi, but how can I admit that I’m androgynous? What if this really is just a phase?”

  1. Anonymous

    Sounds like a pretty difficult situation. You said yourself that he would at least try to be accepting. If things don’t work out romantically, I highly doubt someone like how you described him could abandon you completely. As for the “just a phase” thing, the absolute worst thing that could happen is you have to tell him you were wrong. Making mistakes about your identity doesn’t mean you’re worth any less, and you are allowed to change your mind about your identity at any time. I also don’t think you’d be worrying this much about coming out to your bf if you weren’t androgynous. I hope this helps.


  2. Thomas

    There’s no need to have a concrete gender identity. Questioning and exploring is fine. If you do find that androgyny is “just a phase” for you, that doesn’t mean that what you are feeling right now is any less valid, or that how you identify currently needs to invalidate how you identified in the past, or that how you will identify in the future will invalidate how you identify right now. If your boyfriend is as open as your post sounds, I’d start with a conversation about that you want to explore your gender identity more as you learn more about yourself. There is no “wrong” way to express your gender, or learn about your gender. So go out there and do what you need to do to find out, and be open with your boyfriend about the fact that you’re in a stage of exploration.


  3. Anonymous

    The thing is, people do change in many respects over their lifetime. Even cis people. The idea that something is only valid if it lasts your whole life might easily prevent you from trying things that, regardless of how long they last, could benefit you in some way. You don’t know how long it may last in advance, but if people always treated that as a deal-breaker we’d never try doing ANYTHING new, ever.

    An understanding partner should be supportive of your gender identity, whether it’s mostly static or fluctuating. You’re not “indulging” by exploring what your gender is; you’re being yourself the way any cis person takes for granted. If it turns out he doesn’t support you in this basic prerogative, is the relationship really that ideal? Not to say “go break up right this instant”, as this is a sensitive emotional issue and maybe you really have a great dynamic otherwise, I don’t know. Just consider that you have value in your own right, your gender is legitimate in its own right, and any relationship that would permanently depend on you denying that part of yourself to function really wouldn’t be founded on full mutual respect. Whether that’s a tradeoff you’d be willing to make in order to keep the relationship is up to you in the end.

    Or alternatively, just start expressing yourself the way you want without making it A Big Deal, and based on however he reacts, go from there. The conventional “coming out speech” model is overrated anyway.


  4. Nel

    So what if it’s a phase? You’re androgyne now. That doesn’t devalue how you feel.


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