Question: Recent Trans* male realization. Looking for some insight and advice.

Jay asks…

So this is all kind of new to me so I’m going to try do this in a way that’s easy to understand I guess…

I am currently 16 and I was born female.

Recently though I’ve felt really conflicted about my gender, I feel very male on the inside and I keep asking comparing everything to “If I was a guy”

This was actually brought on by my sexual preference, it’s very hard for me to explain but the best way for me to explain it is to say “I’m gay for guys but as a guy.”

Over the time I’ve been thinking about all of this, it’s the best way I can think of to explain how I’m feeling.

I’ve read up on trans* gender and gender dystopia to try gain understanding but I feel like I’m faking it, almost like I’m lying to myself but it feels right at the same time. I don’t know if the feeling is just because of my recent discovery or because I might be wrong but I didn’t even know trans people (besides transvestites) were a real thing until I googled my feelings on this.

I just want to know if this is normal or not because I’m starting to panic about this and I feel gross in my own skin and bras freak me out all of a sudden.

I don’t know if this is some sort of self realization but please any advice or help. ANYTHING at all will be greatly appreciated

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on November 21st, 2014 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 5 comments »

5 Responses to “Question: Recent Trans* male realization. Looking for some insight and advice.”

  1. Harley

    I can definitely relate to this. I was assigned female at birth as well, but that doesn’t quite fit me-I am an agender person. At first I thought I was a trans guy, but later I realized that didn’t fit either.
    Questioning yourself? TOTALLY NORMAL. Worrying about just making it up? ALSO TOTALLY NORMAL. I deal with this too. Like some days it’s just fine, and other days I’m freaking out about “what if I’m faking it?” Questioning and worrying don’t make you any less trans.
    For confusion, if you are confused, the best advice I can offer you is to try things you think might work for you. Try different names and pronouns you think might work for you. If ‘he’ doesn’t work, try something else Try different presentations. Look up different gender identities if “Man” doesn’t fit you. Ask questions-there are a lot of websites for trans people that offer support and advice. (I recommend, as well as genderfork of course, but look for one that works for you) Figure things out in your own time. You don’t have to know what gender you are right now. Sometimes it takes a while.
    All that being said, if it’s not broke don’t fix it. If you feel like a guy, you’re a guy. I’m speaking from my own experience, which involved a lot of uncertainty about my identity. Yours might not have that same uncertainty.
    Another thing-in some cases, probably a lot of them, people don’t acknowledge their dysphoria until they realize they’re trans, and then it suddenly hits them full in the face. Like, this is normal. Our minds deal with things by pushing them away until we can deal with it. Now that you’ve realized you’re trans, you know what’s going on, and now you’re suddenly aware of your dysphoria and what it means. In other words, now you have a vague idea of what you can do about it.
    I wish you the best of luck in your gender endeavors,


  2. Alan

    Liking guys in a gay way can be a really good way of describing things. I would recommend looking up the webcomic Khaos Komix, particularly Tom’s story. You might find it helpful.

    I second what Harley said about trying things out. Can you get your hands on a binder and try out wearing that, either in the privacy of your own home or out in public? Are there other changes in your wardrobe you can make that might make you feel better?

    Also, see if there are groups for queer or for specifically trans youth in your area. Talking to people in real life going through what you are can be massively helpful. If there’s nothing where you are right now (or if there is but you can’t get there because parents/transportation/whatever), if you’re a person who might be going away for college in a year or two, you might want to look into what kinds of resources for queer students the schools you’re looking at have.

    Good luck!


  3. Jack Candlewick

    I do not know how much this will help, but I would like to let you know that you are not alone. I am twenty years old. I, too, was assigned female at birth. I keep questioning myself as a trans guy, as to the validity of my feelings. I keep wondering if I am wrong about myself. I have ended up with a huge collection of notes, drawings, and things I have typed on my computer that all pertain to my rather, crazy looking struggle. I’ve gotten wrapped up in learning as much as I can about gender identity and other things similar. I, myself, after realizing my gender identity, started questioning my sexual orientation. After that, I fell in love with my best friend. I am completely open about my relationship with her, but I am only partially open about my gender. Soon, I plan to fully open up, because, until this year, I have never hidden anything about myself from others. I have begun to live life as a male and it has been exciting! It’s been good and bad! I feel like maybe, self doubt is my worst enemy, maybe it is yours, too. I’ve been going by a new name, which I am really fond of. (I’ve hated the old one since as far back as I can remember. I’ve always been trying to change it!) I have at least a small portion of my friends referring to me as a male. My best friend since I was twelve years old, who is also my lover, has been helping me through this. She reassures me that I just need to let go and be happy as myself and not let my environment get me down. I even bought a binder and have not touched a bra since. As for totally normal? Is there really such thing?There are weirder things about me than being transgender. On the other hand, thanks, I am so glad you posted this and I got to see it. This made me feel like I am not alone. I saw this right when I needed to!


  4. Hanssen

    While not exactly the same story, I can relate as well. I’m a 39 yo male (born, still fine identifying that way. For now.) and just a couple years ago I started realizing that a good chunk of my attraction to women was actually envy. Once I started seeing a therapist and really looking into that, it got real confusing. Trying to sort out the attraction/envy stuff has been the source if a lot of doubt and panic while I’ve been uncovering a new gender identity. And, while it makes perfect sense to me, it’s such a weird abstract concept, its been really difficult to explain in a way that makes sense, even to my therapist.

    just keep at it, and try your hardest to go easy on yourself. Do what makes you comfortable. That’s the most important thing. And it helps to realize that you’re in control. You can stop the train and get off wherever you like.


  5. Anonymous

    You’re not “faking it” even if you decide later that you actually want to remain in your birth sex/gender, the period of your life where you were questioning it is no less legitimate, it’s a part of being human, a part of growing up.
    Also as I’m sure you’ve discovered in your research by now sexual preference and gender preference are two seperate things. Some transfolk are straight and some are gay, bi, pan, etc.
    Me I first felt disphoric when I had my first boyfriend (was born female btw), it was confusing because I liked him, but didn’t want to be the “girl”. I also had a vague attraction for females so I tjought “oh I must be a lesbian”. Dated a girl- same dyshporia. I liked her, but felt put of place in the relationship.
    Now that Ive realized I’m trans it all makes sense. I think im prpbqbly pan sexual, and im hoping that once I treat my dystopia ie transitioning I’ll feel a lot more comfortable in my romantic relationships as well.


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