Being Unsure

Someone wrote…

I feel pretty confused. I kind of really want society to see me as a male (I was born female), but I know that will never happen because I’ve been female my whole life.

It isn’t that I’m very uncomfortable with being female (it’s fine besides that having these things on my chest is kind of uncomfortable to me socially and it always has been that way). I don’t know. I’m not really sure what I identify as, and I kinda want someone to tell me.

All of the things I’ve read about say that only I can tell me what gender I am though. I also haven’t discussed these thoughts with anyone because it might just be my mind making stuff up…

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on February 6th, 2015 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 3 comments »

3 Responses to “Being Unsure”

  1. Erin

    I know how that feels. I feel very similarly. And I (fortunately? unfortunately?) have friends, whom when I was telling them about my identity issues, told me “But you look too good in a dress to be a man!” or “It’s great you want to be a man.”

    The friend who has known me the longest hugged me and said, “You have never wanted to be anything more than what you are in each moment, and be recognized in that space. It doesn’t have to have a name.”

    Somebody telling you might sound easier, but I think its more constricting and it chafes. Owning your identity is work and it is exhausting, but it might be better to do that at your own slow and quiet pace, whatever that is, than let somebody else make that decision for you. No matter how much you love them.


  2. nola

    I’m in a really similar boat. One thing that helped me a lot with breast-related issues [I’ve never liked mine either] was to try wearing a chest binder. I bought one from Underworks for about $30 and it helps a lot as far as body-image goes. If you want to try it be sure to learn how to do it safely first- binding isn’t ideal, but done safely it can be pretty great.

    Another thing that helps me cope is to treat gender as a plaything as much as possible. I’m like an actor playing a role, kind of: “I think I feel like X today!” I picture my role in my head and perform it for anyone around. I think about it while I get dressed and while I talk and walk. If the role isn’t fun I don’t play it and if I don’t like it tomorrow I let it go and try a new role.

    If you really want society to see you as male, it can be done, although I wouldn’t rush to make it happen if you’re not gut-wrenchingly desperate. And don’t discount the things your “mind makes up”; of course our brains come up with BS sometimes, but if similar thoughts keep popping up it probably means something.

    with love, -n


  3. Anonymous

    My best piece of advice would be to experiment. Go to some place public as one gender then try the other. Explore gender rolls and gender expression. Figure out how you look in a binder (there are some cheep ones on Amazon). The process is all about you, and you are allowed to not be sure.


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