Give me hope

Someone wrote…

I honestly don’t know what I’m thinking about gender right now. Recently, I had almost a mental breakdown with one friend about my sexuality and a heart-to-heart with another friend about me trying to figure out my gender identity. While I had a panic about me being potentially genderfluid but I’m beginning to think that I’m just an androgynous woman who doesn’t care if people see her as a woman, man or little weird thing.

But I’m seventeen and it’s so scary to be myself. I’m beginning to tear up as I write this but I fear that not fitting into the gender binary will just isolate me more from society. I had a long depression about the fact that I’m a (mostly) closeted, black, female-bodied bisexual that doesn’t fit conventional beauty standards and has struggled with self-esteem and body image, and I just don’t want to give people another reason to reject me.

I hurt a little on the inside each time people try to pressure me to wear a dress or straighten my hair, but I’m too scared to tell people a definite no because I don’t want to alienate them. It’s like I wanna scream and rage about my true self being suffocated but I can’t blame them because I’m too scared to even tell them who the real “me” is.

But all of you who are so brave, open, and beautiful about your identities give me hope and the world sunshine, and PLEASE remember that regardless of what others may say.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on January 9th, 2015 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 3 comments »

3 Responses to “Give me hope”

  1. Anonymous

    You’re only 17….it’s seems to me you are scared about not fitting in socially… but before society you need to face yourself and try to find a way to love yourself for who you are – the stuff that is there regardless of gender


  2. anta

    Life is so hard sometimes.

    People have given up on telling me how to dress, but if you’re at all interested in fashion or clothes in general, you might try telling people that wearing dresses and straightening your hair just isn’t your style.

    I’m kind of angry with myself for not telling people girly stuff just wasn’t my style when I was still in my teens and was made to dress up for social occasions, but I honestly believed that if society perceived me as female, dressing up femme was the only way I could appear at a festive gathering. It just never occurred to me that I might have my own opinions about clothes and fashion, since those were things that didn’t interest me.


  3. radical/rebel

    so, I thought I’d share this website with you:

    Queer of Gender is a grassroots online visibility project, dedicated to affirming and acknowledging the various genders and gender expressions within Black, Indigenous and People of Colour (BIPOC) communities.

    I think you should know that your experience as a black queer, gender non-conforming, and/or trans person may not fit with narratives of white trans people. I’d really recommend seeking out books, websites, magazines, etc. that showcase the stories, lives, and brilliance of queer and trans people of color so you can start seeing and taking pride in your own power and awesomeness. <3

    some starting points, maybe:
    Mangos with Chili
    the Tranqualizer tumblr:
    Janet Mock's book Redefining Realness
    Nia King's book Queer and Trans Artists of Color: Stories of Some of Our Lives
    DarkMatter poetry:
    The Brown Boi Project:

    good luck! <3 know that you're an amazing person and you're worthy and valuable.



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