Memoirs of Gender Dysphoria

Chase wrote…

The cloud hangs over my head
The pain I’ve felt for years
It makes me sleep and not get out of bed
And makes me awake each night with tears

I wake up each morning my eyes full of tears
And I put on my binder
As I try to push away my fears
I force myself to go to school feeling like a liar

There’s those teachers, known by first name
I use my free time to beg for any help at all
But they all act the same
“I can’t call you by that name, no not at all.”

“We can only use name and sex on your birth certificate,
No other may be used,
We have to tell dad about this.”
He is a lit fuse

The other kids ask questions all day long,
Although it hurts me deep inside,
I know I must be strong.
And I hate the rules, but I know I must abide.

I’m reminded of my pain when my binder is forced on.
It hurts and rubs against my chaffing skin.
People see that my inner light is gone,
And they ask me where I’ve been.

I feel the lump in my throat as I look in the mirror
“Chase, you’re so much better than this!!”
But as I say this, the female me makes me feel inferior.
“You’ll never be a real boy! You’re a girl with a selfish wish!”

As I force myself to see my female form,
In the mirror there’s a stranger I see.
My hair is short, my clothes are torn.
But the body that I have, this person isn’t me!

This stranger in the mirror, this human prison.
I think a shower might calm my restless mind.
How disgusting and awful is this mission,
To wash a body that wasn’t meant to be mine?

Now I have to wait for the dysphoria to lessen.
I take it day by wretched day, and maybe I won’t get through.
I look up and see that the moon’s a lovely crescent,
And maybe I’ll wake up from this nightmare really soon

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on April 1st, 2015 at 08:00 am

Category: poetry, your voice Comment »

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