Someone wrote…

I don’t even know how to start this

…Um ever since I was in middle school I’ve always had boyish qualities as well as girlish qualities and I’ve never really thought anything of it. All of 7th grade I dressed and acted and had a secret wish to be identified as a boy. But then I got ridiculed and no boys would date me so I put some feminine makeup on and I loved how I looked so I stayed that way physically.

Sometimes I felt more boyish and sometimes more girlish although my physical appearance was always feminine. I feel like that happens to a lot of people maybe? Anyway a few weeks ago I went shopping with my grandma. I went into the men’s section and tried on some clothes. When I looked in the mirror, I looked more masculine than usual but I actually really liked the way I looked so I bought them.

Today, I actually did FtM makeup and put on one of my outfits and when I saw the completed look I felt this overwhelming…joy? I couldn’t help but smile. But then I had to go out so I put on some awesome lipstick and smokey eye and I felt awesome in that too…

I just don’t know what I’m feeling right now and I’m really confused and I don’t know a soul who would understand any of what the fuck is happening and I’m all alone.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on January 13th, 2015 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 2 comments »

2 Responses to “Outfits”

  1. Matthew/Melisa

    You’re feeling like you. It’s nothing to be afraid of. I think it’s like being gender-fluid, but I’m not sure. You’re not alone. There are other people like you out there. I’m one of them. If you enjoy wearing both types of clothes then it’s just you expressing yourself. I kinda doubt this is helpful


  2. Angelus Lupus

    Certainly sounds to me like you’re somewhere under the genderqueer umbrella. Some people call what you feel genderfluid, because where we sit on the big ol’ gender map shifts around. Others (and this sounds a little more like you) see themselves as bi-gender, alternating between the masculine (for you: men’s clothing and FTM makeup) and the feminine. (I sit somewhere between the two, with a sneaking jealousy of anyone who convincingly/confidently expresses themselves this way.)
    Whatever you end up defining yourself as, you’re not alone, and there are people who understand how you feel. Welcome to the exciting/confusing world of gender exploration and expression.


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