Question: Has anyone ever felt like they can’t be Trans because they look *too much* like their biological gender?
Moor asks…
I need some advice.
I am biologically female. Ever since I’ve been a little kid, I’ve felt detached from my female gender, but never felt completely male. I always felt like my spirit was male or nongendered, but liked my female appearance in other ways. My favorite movie was Mulan because of the way she seemed to become a man… I wanted that. I felt like it was sort of naughty, but I loved it. But I also thought her makeup was pretty when she was appearing as a female.
My whole life, I felt that I was a man trapped in a woman’s body. All my friends saw me that way. I’ve always found myself comparing myself to men, not women. However, I never considered the fact that I might be trans because I just could never physically imagine a male version of myself… My face looks very ~feminine (I have full lips, high cheekbones, small, pointy nose, almond eyes) and I found satisfaction for whatever reason in my own “prettiness”. I’ve never presented as very feminine (although occasionally I like wearing dresses); I feel very empowered in men’s clothes, but have always liked my face to remain looking feminine. In ways I’ve enjoyed mens’ attention in ways that feel socially “feminine”. Yet at the same time, that feeling of sexuality also makes me feel shitty.
When I was 18, I heard a friend describing their identity as genderqueer and felt automatically like that was what I was. However, I’ve never felt like I could completely match my outside with my inside… when I try to put on more “male” clothing, I feel really great but I still see my face and just feel like I am a woman wearing men’s clothing, which doesn’t match how I feel. In my head, I imagine myself like, as a hooded person with no gender or physical identity.
Until recently. Recently, I’ve been looking at pictures of FtM people and have started thinking… what if I could be a man? Entirely, and fully? Would I be happy?
Part of me is starting to imagine how I would feel if I were a man, if I were on testosterone, and thinks that that might really be who I am inside. I see a physical version of my soul as a man and when I think about it I get really excited. The problem is that I don’t feel like I could be non-binary; I feel like I would have to completely transition with testosterone and that scares the complete living shit out of me. It’s just so hard to imagine what I would look like, what would happen if I were to try and transition and wondering if it would match up to how I felt inside or if I would just be sad losing that part of me that sometimes enjoys playing up my naturally feminine appearance and would regret giving that up? Yet this identity… this idea of me as a man is really strong and feels… right? I just don’t feel like both things match up and it’s been making me feel really depressed recently, and almost suicidal at times… but I don’t know if it’s just a phase.
Has anyone else ever had this experience?
Please post your response in the comments below.
» Ask Genderfork «
Category: questions 3 comments »
January 9th, 2015 at 9:44 am |
1: There is nothing wrong with who you are, and I’m sure from what you’ve described that this is not a phase.
2: Don’t rush into anything. Think about it, and try to work out both sides of yourself. Just remember that neither your feelings of being a man and your more feminine tendancies are not wrong and don’t really clash – they may be perceived to, but it’s just you. Try to find a way to be happy and satisfy both sides of yourself, if you can. Research medical options and genderqueer identities if you can – maybe there’s some sort of mid-ground for transition that would work for you?
3: Don’t be afraid of being non-binary if that ends up being what you feel is best – but then again, if that just doesn’t fit, then don’t feel you have to be that.
4: Maybe it’s just a matter of mindset and identity rather than something that needs to be physical? Not saying it is, but I’m wondering if that’s something that it may be a good idea to think about. Remember that there isn’t anything wrong with being a female-bodied man, if that’s how you feel most comfortable. There’s also nothing wrong with transitioning and expressing your feminine tendancies, or even presenting as female from time to time, if that’s what makes you happy. :)
5: DON’T kill yourself. I’m sure there’s a way you’ll be happy – you just have to find it.
6: Have you talked to anyone about this? You’ll need to choose carefully, as some people are dicks when it comes to things like this, but if there’s someone who’ll understand, a long talk may help. What about that genderqueer friend you mentioned? Are you still in contact? Have you spoken to them about this? If you aren’t in contact, is there someone else?
Lastly, good luck – I hope you find an identity that makes you happy. :)
[Reply]
January 9th, 2015 at 3:02 pm |
Just thought of something else to say: while you should probably take your time over any decision, don’t live your life based on fear.
Good luck again! :)
[Reply]
January 10th, 2015 at 11:40 am |
I literally feel this like every day, but in the opposite direction. As a gender-fluid guy, I always wonder “what if?” I have yet to make a decision but to be me. Unless there’s a true way to be directly in the middle of the two. That’s what I’m waiting for. But until then, just be yourself. If you really want both, then wait a few years for science catches up with us. It’s what I have to do.
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