Question: What Should I do?
MasterRK9 asks…
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m bisexual, and that will never change. But on discovering that, I’ve uncovered a more perplexing labyrinth of lies and confusion for myself. I’ve come out to my friends that I’m bisexual and they’re okay with that, but I don’t know how’ll they react to telling them I think I’m trans, let alone to my parents.
My parents are traditional, with a nuclear relationship and career status. My sisters all have severe health issues, fibromyalgia, and other horrible diseases that are engraved in genetics, and I don’t have that, so it appears that I’m the one that’s “normal”. If I told them now I was a bisexual trans, it would put more stress on them. They love me, no matter what, they told me directly, even if I were homosexual, but I’m not prepared for the questioning. My dad will question every minute detail there is, even though I’m still confused, and my mom will just yell at me until I answer my dad. They both love yelling, but that’s the one things that deteriorates me fastest. But if I respond better to a softer tone, it’ll only confuse them even more which will lead to more questions and yelling.
I’m thinking I should wait until my dad is deployed somewhere and tell my mom since she’ll take it in easier and then be the one to break it to him. I haven’t told my parents my sexual orientation, nor about what I’ve been feeling for the past 6 years.
I’ve told specs of my thoughts to one of my closest friends, since I’ll know she won’t care, and she doesn’t, but there’s another that I know will never let go of it, and rub it in my face until the end of time.
I’m fourteen now, born female, and I don’t like it. I like it when people call me by male pronouns by mistake, but it feels awkward, even with female pronouns. I relate more with my guy friends, in a close, tight group of 7, 5 girls and 2 boys, but they all act the same. I want to wear more masculine clothing and do more things that’s more associated with boys, but my parents won’t let me. Especially my dad. He decides what I wear, so it’s really girly things, but I’ve manipulated him now to wear more what I want, but it’s still really feminine. I want to wear what my tomboy friend wears, since it’s still a little feminine as a compromise, but he won’t allow it. I’ve already decided that when I have enough money, I’ll get my breasts removed (they’re annoying). And even my screen name is Master, instead of Mistress.
I want to tell them, everyone, but I can’t handle what they’ll ask me. Especially my parents. My mom has seriously considered sending me to a therapist for my anger and violence (it’s also genetic, doesn’t helps with my muscular build). So I’m planning on getting to the point where she’ll send me to the therapist, and tell them.
I really need help. I have no relations with other LGBT in real life, but if I start going to recreation centers and conventions for them, they’ll start questioning me. I can’t explain anything to save my life to anyone I know, so I’m asking people I don’t know. What should I do?
Please post your response in the comments below.
» Ask Genderfork «
Category: questions, your voice 2 comments »
June 6th, 2015 at 4:42 pm |
Dear MasterRK9,
I am sorry that you are in this situation. It sucks, and unfortunately it is not unusual. You mentioned several issues. I think you need to divide your labyrinth into small pieces that you can work on one-by-one.
Your siblings’ medical problems are unfortunate, but they don’t change the fact that you are who you are. You can and should ofter support for them, both emotionally and in practical ways like helping with tasks they find difficult. But you can’t allow people use your sibs’ health problems as an excuse to stop you from being yourself. You are not responsible for other people’s inadequate coping skills.
I take it that your dad is in the military, and it sounds like he has the warrior attitude. Fundamentally, you either have to choose battles you can win, or quietly bide your time until you’re outta’ there.
If you’re not the warrior type, then probably your best bet is to be secretly as boyish as you can until you’re ready to leave home. That could be quite a fun game, I think.
But I’m guessing there is a bit of warrior in you. If so, choose your battles carefully. One possible place to start is with your dad’s controlling attitude about your clothing. In his mind you’re a girl, right? Let me be plain: it is creepy for a father to be telling his 14 year old daughter what to wear. Forbidding teens from wearing lewd clothing is good parenting. Micro-managing their wardrobe is not. My kid is 6. We suggest stuff, but basically he makes the decisions about what clothes to buy and what to wear each day. It would be no different if he was a girl. The rules are that it has to be tasteful, appropriate to the season, and suitable for the occasion. The rest is personal choice.
The fact that he’s trying to control this suggests to me that he knows something is up but doesn’t want to deal with it. I know a lot of people who seem to put all their energy into trying to get the world to conform to their idealized vision of the way things ought to be, instead of just accepting things as they are. Failure to acknowledge reality causes an avalanche of bad decisions (that’s in the military training handbook, I’m sure).
So it seems like your parents need a therapist a lot more than you do. You sound like you have a pretty good idea what you are. You just need the chance to experiment and try out in real life what you’ve been dreaming about since you were 8. But if you’re willing to see a shrink, and that person is a good shrink, eventually you may be able to loop in your parents. It all depends on whether you think you can find a therapist who understands that social gender is not the same thing as biological sex.
If you decide to try therapy, you need to make sure the therapist you get is the right fit. You’ll probably want to walk into their office, sit right down, and start talking about the problem. Nix that temptation and interview them first. I mean interview, like a job interview. You’re hiring them for a very important job. What’s their experience? If all they know about is PTSD and drinking problems, then they don’t have the experience you need. Assuming they’ve dealt with gender issues, what were their successes and failures? They’re not allowed to name names, but they can certainly tell you the kinds of things they suggested to previous clients. Did they deal with nitty-gritty issues, or did they dance around it, or give out platitudes about how to mold into an unwanted gender? Ultimately you’re going to be disclosing your deepest secrets to your therapist, so it’s super-important that you can trust them.
One advantage of professional treatment is that you might have a chance at getting puberty blockers. The value of that depends on how far along you are in puberty. At 14 and biologically female, they might still be helpful. A biological male the same age definitely could benefit. The point of the blockers is to hit the pause button on puberty so there is less to undo if you decide to transition medically.
There is one more option, but I doubt it is a good one. That is to suddenly show up at home in boys clothing and announce unequivocally, “I’m a boy.” At 16 or 17 a person might be able to get away with that, but at 14 I think it’s very risky. There are just too many ways parents can retaliate against a 14 year old.
The last thing I want to say is please be kind to your body. Maybe you’re a very boyish girl, but I think more likely you’re a boy with a female body. So be it. Ten years from now the world is going to be peppered with girls who have male bodies and boys who have female bodies. It will still be a bit unusual, but it won’t be weird. Gender and sex are two different things, and we’ve got to stop blaming our genitals if they don’t happen to match our brains.
[Reply]
Idjit replied:
September 24th, 2015 at 6:57 pm
You should tell them and only when you are ready. I was in a similar situation and I ended up having my parents know before I told them that got mad and didn’t accept it because I explained myself wrong. These are your parents and they love u, just come out the way and when feels right. And if you chicken out, it’s ok. Don’t worry. Oh, and don’t tell them about the surgeries and stuff, cuz all they will hear is money down the drain. Try and find a time where they seem to be as calm as they can get. Make sure they get you a therapist not a counselor because therapists can direct you places where as counselers only get to ask u questions and maybe about your ugh… ( religion). At first it will be many compromises but if it gets to the point where they are denying you things completely like say a haircut, then diy all the way. The neighborly dollar store will be your best friend. The sexuality could wait until they accept your gender. I suggest to come out one at a time to ppl and explain. Being bi and trans is ok. Anyone tells u otherwise gets an uppercut.i also agree about your siblings. I’m not going to assume but from what you are saying its a very risky situation. Tiptoeing around it and testing and poking around until you are around sixteen may be the best idea. Then you maybe if you tell them how long you have felt that’s way it will give a better fighting chance. IMMA stop ranting before I go into overprotection mode.
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