Question: What’s my gender? Who am I?

Annie Anonymous asks…

I was born female. I’ve never really been a girly-girl, but I’ve never been a boy either. I hate my breasts, and want them removed as soon as possible. I don’t like being a girl. I fit no stereotypes of being a girl, but I fit few stereotypes of being a boy. I heard the term non-binary a few months ago, and I immediately knew that I connected with that. I’ve heard multiple terms that I know don’t sound like me. Genderfluid, for example. I know that’s not me. I don’t identify with either gender.

The thing is, I’m terrified to transition. I know I want top surgery, but I don’t think I want hormone replacement surgery. I don’t know how to talk to my parents, let alone my friends. I know how much I’d be judged at school, though that doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t really mind pronouns. They don’t really bother me, though I like the sound of they and them and their more than he and she.

I’ve heard the term third gendered, and I think that’s who I am. I feel that I have a gender, but it’s not male or female. I feel like there isn’t a name for it. I hate that I have to go into women’s toilets, or buy clothes from the men’s section, (Girl’s clothes are too pink and frilly, so I wear boys’). I hate that society is so binary.

How did you transition, anyone with similar experiences? Slowly, or all at once? Is there any advice you can give me?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «

Posted by on June 13th, 2015 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 4 comments »

4 Responses to “Question: What’s my gender? Who am I?”

  1. LJ

    Hi there :) You’re definitely delving into a big process, and a worthwhile one so go you!!

    I think you’ll find that you’ll figure yourself out as you transition. “Transition” means a lot more than noun changes, hormones, and surgery. And with each piece of transition, there is more to discover about not only yourself and your identity and most comfortable expressions, but about all the options out there. When I was 14, I started “transition” which meant wearing pants with my school uniform instead of a skirt. By 15, I had started experimenting with different clothes and styles that seemed “neutral” (ie hippie skirts and 70s shirts and one leg shaved) Right before I turned 16, I changed my name to a gender-neutral one. And halfway through being 17, I started a masculinization process of working out to build shoulder muscle, doing vocal training, figuring out what clothes and shapes would actually help me present as male. Now, at 18, I am in the process of getting an appointment with a doctor to talk about neutralizing my hormones as safely as possible, and am hoping that someday, I will be able to get chest surgery. Long story short, for a lot of years I did a tiny little bit at a time. I experimented a lot with clothes, with hair, with pronouns, with names, with labels. And after a while, I really figured it out, really got it down, and really started a regimen of things that would get me where I had figured out I wanted to be.

    So tips? It’s a process. Take it as fast or slow as you need to. Something I wish someone had told me is learn as much as you can. Discovering resources meant for transmen that really helped me made me realize that even if something isn’t made or written “for you” (as a non-binary person), it can still help you achieve what you want. So think outside of the box.

    As for coming out, you can test the waters with a few people first, to get comfortable. When you come out more publicly, try to avoid sounding flip-floppy. I did the “call me whatever pronoun” and found that people became incredibly uncomfortable with that because they didn’t know what to do and didn’t know what I wanted from them. They didn’t want to offend me but didn’t know how to NOT offend me since I wasn’t giving them any guidelines. If you’re going to go with “he,” say “he.” And if one day you want to switch to “she” then say “now I’m she” and be consistent. It’s easier to figure out what sounds right or wrong if everyone is using the same thing. It took me a few weeks using my first chosen name to like the way it sounded, and if I had said “call me either/or,” I wouldn’t have gotten the reassurance of constantly hearing it. Remember that with words, you can always turn back around.

    Good luck!!! :)


  2. shaed

    Just so that you know, “third gender” is an outdated anthropological term for genders other than male and female from non-european cultures, not a gender in itself, so it probably isn’t something you want to call yourself.


  3. Anonymous

    if you feel like you have a gender but don’t know what it is, you might be neutrois or maverique (two different genders) :)


  4. Anonymous

    It might be helpful for you to check out some of Micah’s writing over at They are AFAB neutrois and very open about what their transition has looked like. :)


Leave a Reply

Can I show your picture? If you have a Gravatar associated with this email address, it will be displayed as your photo. If not, I'll just put a picture of a fork next to your comment. Everybody likes forks.

Be nice. Judgmental comments will be quietly deleted and blacklisted. There's plenty of room for those elsewhere on the web.

For legal reasons, you must be age 13 or older to post a comment on Genderfork.

You can use some HTML tags for formatting, e.g. <em>...</em> for emphasis (italics) or <strong>...</strong> for strong emphasis (bold) or <a href="http://(url)">...</a> for links.

Back to top