The Middle of the Gender Spectrum
Someone wrote…
Throughout my life I’ve felt agender. Androgynous. But over the past 5 years, I’ve begun to consider myself masculine of center/trans*.
I dress in male clothing, I like to be perceived as male, and I go by male pronouns. Lately I’ve been questioning whether I’m still in the middle of the gender spectrum. I’ve been envying male bodies and wish I could have certain characteristics for myself. The thing about transitioning is that it’s simultaneously terrifying and fascinating to me at the same time. The changes are permanent. I only want some of the changes that testosterone brings, but I cannot pick and choose the traits I develop if I do start T.Can anyone who has been living in the middle of the gender spectrum relate? I want masculine traits when I want them, but not all the time. The days when I feel more masculine are when I feel dysmorphia. Most other days I’m fine. Any advice or stories?
What’s your experience?
Category: your voice 2 comments »
May 11th, 2015 at 11:39 am |
I can definitely relate! In fact it was trippy reading your post because I thought I’d written it at first. I wrote something similar awhile back.
I’ve socially transitioned (name change, male pronouns, like being perceived as male), but I find myself wanting more. I don’t like wearing binders most of the time because they restrict my breathing/are uncomfortable, but I’m discovering that I want a flat chest so I can pass more often. Not sure if that will eventually involve surgery. I’ve been very resistant to maybe trying hormones because I’m an actor and use my voice for many things. It’s rather confusing.
How do you handle dysphoria when it comes up? Do you bind? I’m starting to consider getting rid of some of my shirts because when I wear smaller shirts, I never pass.
Thoughts?
-Able
[Reply]
May 29th, 2015 at 10:55 am |
I identify as andro-androgynous, have been on hormone therapy for four years, and had top surgery two years ago. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve expressed.
Before I started hormone therapy, I felt the same. I didn’t consider myself completely male or male-identified. I wanted masculine body tone and voice, but I didn’t want body hair or hairline changes. But there came a day when I realised that the benefits of me being non-binary and perceived as a man outweighed the changes that I didn’t want. There are compensations that people use every day. We shave or wax or use hair products like Rogaine. We take aspirin. It’s not like we are stuck with an uncontrollable mess. Our society is built upon the little things we don’t like about ourselves.
So the day I stopped being pegged as a woman was the day I no longer experienced crippling social anxiety. For me, it was absolutely the right path to take. I do not regret it. My only lament is that it’s impossible for me to transition to a cismale body, and that’s not even a big thing. I like where I am.
But it’s difficult to really give advice because we are all so different. We have different needs. Ultimately, you will be the only person who can really say what is and is not the best solution for you.
I feel like the thing to keep in mind is that we are creatures that are capable of holding many different identities and configurations of identities simultaneously. For me, I am comfortable with the idea that my gender is andro-androgynous and my sex is FtM. I think there is room in this world for female men and male neutrois and MtF androgynes and intersex women… And any and every combination someone can be.
Interacting with the outside world is the hardest part but it helps to have queer spaces and open communities. I live in a private bubble with my agender, aro, ace best friend and my awesome ally friends. I never need to worry about what my gender or my sex or my body or my sexuality means to other people. I can just be who I am in the way I want to be me.
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