Question: I might be a transgender male and I have no idea what to do

Kris asks…

I’m 19 and I was born a female. I’ve always had this feeling that I would of rather been born a boy. But, I kind of pushed it back and went on with my life. But lately, I’ve been depressed.

For about a year now, I’ve been really caught up the fact I might be trans and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t think my mom would accept me, or my sister for that matter. But, I think my dad and my brother would be okay with it.
That being said I don’t even know if I want to “come out” or “transition” because I feel ashamed and embarrassed to be honest. I did tell my dad I was depressed about a month or two ago, and when he asked if I knew why, I just told him I don’t know. We talked about it a bit, I cried the whole time I told him and the rest of the day after.

I just feel like such a disappointment, and he was so supportive. He asked if I wanted to see a therapist or anything, and I told him no at the time, however, I think I should tell him I’ve changed my mind. That being said I would go to a therapist for depression. Will the therapist be able to tell I’m having gender identity issues?
Should I tell them?

I’m really unsure of how to approach any of this and all I’m feeling is upset, stressed and depressed about this situation because I know that transitioning is hard and I know that I would of rather been born a boy, but I don’t know if I would want to transition.

Also, I’m pretty much just attracted to guys, so would that make me gay, as well if I identified as a ftm? And if that’s the case wouldn’t it make sense to just be a female and straight?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on July 15th, 2016 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 3 comments »

3 Responses to “Question: I might be a transgender male and I have no idea what to do”

  1. Dumbly

    If you feel you can trust your father, I would recommend you do approach him about finding therapy, perhaps mention that you are feeling some gender related tensions and you’d like to find a therapist with experience in that field. If you do go to therapy, absolutely mention that you’ve been struggling with gender.

    As for fear of transitioning, I know it’s hard, but put that aside for now. The most important thing is to pay attention to what makes you feel like you like yourself. Try dressing to match how you feel; notice if you have any habits or rituals that are related to using femininity as a shield, and ask yourself if you really need them, or even enjoy them. Stop if you don’t.

    Be attracted to whomever makes you buzz. Stay safe, there will always be help at Hogwarts for anyone who asks.


  2. nola

    If you have access to therapy, try it. Yes, talk about gender. Therapy is private so if you’re not ready for your family to know you’re questioning your gender the therapist will keep it to themselves. On the other hand, if you decide it’s time to come out, the therapist can help you with that too. More importantly, therapy can help you deal with your feelings of shame and embarrassment and help you shift into something more comfortable. You’ll also get some help for your depression, which is a hell of a lot better than trying to muddle through all by yourself, believe me.

    If you don’t already have someone in mind Psychology Today has a therapist finder you can use [google it]; you can use their tags to find someone with experience with LGBT clients and gender issues. If you’re very concerned you can also use, plug in your zip, and see if they come up with the name of a therapist. This might not come up with anything, though, so don’t be afraid to go with whoever seems basically LGBT friendly to you or whoever will take your insurance or someone you’ve heard is friendly and nice. Any of them are likely to be of great help. If you don’t like them, you can always leave and try someone else. For that matter, if you don’t like therapy, you can stop anytime.

    Which brings me to choices- remember that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Nobody has to transition. The reason people do transition is because they feel it’s right for them and it’s something they need to be comfortable and healthy. And transition can mean many things; some people go on hormones, some people have surgeries, some people rename themselves, some people don’t do any of those things. If you want to transition, you can do it anytime you feel is best, in any way you feel is best. You’ve got options and you don’t have to make any decisions immediately.

    Be patient with yourself. A new gender identity can take a long time to get used to and feel comfortable with, just as a sexual orientation can take a long time to get used to. Be kind to yourself.

    Personally, I don’t think being gay makes any more or less sense than being straight or anything else. All I’ll say is, if you’re a gay ftm, you’re definitely not the first gay ftm and you’re definitely not the last gay ftm either.

    If you have a hard time and need some support call trevor project or use the stuff on their website. they’re fantastic.

    take care of yourself.


  3. Gib

    I definitely second the remarks on therapy given above – for me, it has been an incredibly helpful and beneficial process, for both depression and gender transition. I do want to stress, though, that you need to find a therapist who’s right for you, and you may go through a few of them in the process! Don’t be afraid to decide that it isn’t working and move on. In fact, I’d recommend that your first priority be getting yourself the help and support you need, which might include therapy, medication, a heart-to-heart with your father, queer friends, or just a safe space.

    Also, I know it’s not easy to work with this advice, but try to be patient with yourself. There’s no set path that you “should” be following to a particular gender or sexual identity. The most important thing to do is get in touch with who you are and start working toward what you need. Not (necessarily) as a cis girl or trans boy, or straight girl or gay boy – just as you. Yourself, whoever that may turn out to be.

    Finally, congratulations on the baby step of seeking help here on Genderfork. Most of us aren’t professionals, but I’d like to think we’re all ready to offer our love and support. Best wishes and best of luck on your journey.


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