Profile: Uriel

You can call me… Uriel.

I identify as… I am physically a female but everything else, my mind, my soul, and my very essence screams neither. If anything in my heart I feel removed from a gender, and it is as lonely as it feels right for me.

As far as third-person pronouns go, … In my head I see myself as “it,” and have my whole life.

I’m attracted to… I prefer girls over men. In fact I have a bit of a gentleman complex. Intelligence and kindness are what snatches my heart, but I admit I have thing for red-haired girls with fiery eyes. Also the two extremes of pixie gal or maiden gets me. However, heart and mind first, if they don’t have that I can never fall for them really. I am also sometimes attracted to men, though never physically, and always emotionally and mentally.

When people talk about me, I want them to… Regard me for my actions and my skills. My goal in life is to use my skills to help this world as much as I can (cheesy I know, but its true). I don’t want people to judge me on things that do not reflect me, such as a gender role that I do not even feel part of.

Hell, I do not want people to talk about me, I just want to help people and preferably be known for intelligence/skills and kindness than anything else. In short a person they can come to if they help. Not saying I am perfect, just this is a hope at the end of the day.

I want people to understand… I am female on the outside yes, but god I am neither on the inside. I do not want this to define me, nor do I want this written off. I am tired of feeling alone on this matter, feeling like no one truly understands what that feels like, to be androgynous. And I thought coming out as a lesbian with bi-tendencies was hard…

I have always been quiet about myself. I do not purposely try to hide myself, it’s just that I have spent all my life being told to be quiet on that. So the concept of being open scares me in every sense. Which is funny if you think about it, I ran the GSA at my college prep and jumped at the chance last year to join my college’s GSA, but I have found that you can be open but secretive. Also, you almost have to fit stereotypes in those communities to feel welcomed. So I come here hoping that I can find people who just understand, who can see me as whole and accept it. Sorry for the length.

About Uriel
I can write 50 pages on proposals on some new engineering designs for artificial hearts and I can get 50,000 words out in a month for NaNoWriMo with only pulling out half my hair. But, to write about myself, scares me. So, lets start at some basics I guess.

I am 20, and I am a dual major in Bio-engineering (focus on mechanical and computer engineering) and pre-med with a minor in creative writing. I tend to run into a door every day and forget to eat because I am too deep in my work. I grew up in the northwest and am truly part of that culture (minus the heavy drug use part).

» Define yourself. «

Posted by on November 7th, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: profiles 17 comments »

17 Responses to “Profile: Uriel”

  1. Dez

    Great name mate.

    Yeah, as hard as s**t can be for trans people, being one myself, I’m sure it’s equally difficult if not more so for androgynes. I went through a year or so of it myself and people just cannot deal without labeling something and putting it in its place.

    By the time I finally got to thinking of myself as an “it” I had to go through it all again in convincing others. Just exhausting. Good on you, and keep up the fight!


  2. Meike

    Oh my goodness, you remind me so much of myself…seriously, it’s scary. Also, I am SO happy I’m not suffering through NaNo alone, yet somehow I sense you’re way more on top of it than I am (10,154 words and counting).

    Please know you’re not alone in feeling this way. I have felt similarly for maybe a year, maybe longer…it’s hard to really know these things. I would be highly interested in hearing more from you, as well as just chatting about things that seem to be as hard for you as they are for me. Please feel free to drop me a line at, or else look me up on the NaNo website (Meike13 is my username).

    Stay strong!!! And stay awesome, you’re perfect just as you are.


    George replied:

    am female on the outside yes, but god I am neither on the inside.

    You don’t know how less lonely you made me feel today :)


    Meike replied:

    Same to you, my friend. It’s good to know I’m not the only one with these feelings.


  3. Comrade Kevin

    I know exactly what you mean by feeling a need to conform to a stereotype. With time, however, fitting into a particular role is much less important. I hope that provides you some comfort.

    I went through the very same thing myself. And, in many ways, I am still open but secretive.


  4. J

    Nice to see another ‘it’ around here. We are so rare :(


  5. Jessica

    It amazes me that more very intelligent people remain so ignorant of themselves in so many ways. Seems like we choose this and that area to focus on and let all others go. Meeting a Renaissance person like you is a rare privilege.


  6. Emma

    I don’t have a gender on the inside either. You are definitely not alone in thinking/feeling like that. :)

    (but I like the name Emma so I’m keeping it! LOL)



  7. Meike

    I think it’s hard sometimes to realize we’re not alone in this. It really is a challenge to understand yourself as neither when you’ve been socialized to look at yourself and say “female body=woman”. It’s even harder to try and explain this to other people. Example: “You like girls, and your name is Steph and you have a female body. So you’re a lesbian?” “Well…not exactly…how can you be a lesbian if you’re not a woman?” “Oh, so you’re transsexual!” “…nevermind.”

    This is just what I’ve experienced however, maybe for other people they have a more supportive and understanding network of friends and family. At any rate, it really is frustrating how lonely it feels sometimes.


  8. G

    props from another it here. it does feel lonely. but when anything else just feels wrong, i’d rather feel a little lonely…


  9. Alex

    OMG, I feel the same way about not feeling welcomed if you don’t fit stereotypes. In fact, I find myself feeling quite lonely, because of how being caught between being a person of color and a queer, that since I don’t behave in a certain way, I have lost credibility and ‘friends.’ I too often have kept silent on my identity, because I fear having my work, abilities, art, etc. pigeonholed because of my identity. You are not alone. Hugs. Androgyny is everywhere.


  10. Allison

    I feel exactly the same way. I’m physically a female, but I feel neither on the inside. The whole thing about being attracted to women over men and having a gentlemen complex, that’s me in a nutshell. Feel free to send me an email I would love to chat with you sometime


  11. Emma

    “I am female on the outside yes, but god I am neither on the inside. ”

    I totally feel the same!
    And I agree that it feels lovely, because if you don’t associate more with one of them, it just feels like youre not sharing anything with others. That’s a tleast how I feel. Being androgynous seems to be something like being a ghost. Or alien.


    Jessica replied:

    Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars, and Androgynes are from… Tau Ceti? We are the restless drifting souls, we are the ungendered, beware!


  12. Mari

    I really agree with everything especially the not want ing to fit into a’s so frustrating to try to explain that yes I have a feminine body but no I’m not a woman. Usually I tend to go for..saying that I have unnecessary parts because that’s precisely how I view the more feminine parts of my body..rather feels even more like a strange situation because I’m not attracted to girls..I’m more attracted to males(or male-identified folk)and it feels like I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell..ughI’m sorry for the rambling.It and/or they seem to work when come to me.


    Jessica replied:

    Mari, I sympathize with spare parts. You’d make it really tough for the DOMA crowd – a same-sex marriage for you would be nominally condoned by them, though they’d be against you, sir, in principle. I say, damn the torpedoes, confuse away!


  13. June

    omg, Uriel
    I never thought there would be a person so similar to me :D At my local Trans group, I have gone by both male and female pronouns. Yet both he and she rings hollow in me.

    I would love for people to understand and accept the fact that what my body is on the outside has no bearing of what I am on the inside. I wish I could transcend my gendered body all together.


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