I’ve recently come to the realization that I am genderfluid and experience slight to major dysphoria about my breasts on my more male days. I enjoy having them on my more female days though. I was wondering if that feeling of dysphoria ever really goes away. I’m considering saving up for top surgery only I fear that if I did get it, I’d regret it on my female days.
I am 29 years old. From childhood I never feel that I am a girl: I always feel that I am a boy. I am a muslim girl.
That’s way I never get any chance to express my true self. Right now my family will force me to marry but I can’t accept any man in my life. I never feel any attraction for men, but feel attraction to women.
1. Stoner Femme, Gender Confused
2. Insufficiently organised to have a consistent presentation
3. Exhausted college chic/professional physics human
4. Uh. Librarian? What’s the one with no makeup and just regular clothes?
5. Whatever Brandi Carlile is
6. Glitter Queen
7. Fancy Pony Boi
8. Cozy femme
9. I just like docs and dresses ok
10. Hypermasculine camp
11. Softest of butches
12. Executive dysfunction closeted makeup-scared femme?
13. So uncomfortable
14. Femme in the Summer, Butch in the Winter: A Seasonal Fluidity
15. A small cluster of stars
16. 14-year-old boy
17. Leg hair don’t care but actually cares a lot
18. Sloth femme
19. Gay adjunct professor/goth librarian
20. Aunt Dad
21. Granola, self-sufficient, utilitarian, rural spinster
22. Laid-back lesbian farmer
23. DOIN MY OWN FUCKIN THING
24. Athleisure meets sea-witch
25. Comfortable baggy-clothed person
26. My girlfriend likes to (very accurately so) describe me as “pastel butch”
27. Bunny dyke
29. Low Femme
30. Lab Chic
31. Geek? I don’t know, I’m wearing a Wonder Woman shirt and Mickey Mouse shoes, so make of that what you will
33. FUCK I HAVE NO IDEA? USUALLY PEOPLE DON’T RECOGNIZE ME AS GAY, SO FEMME?
35. This whole labeling thing is very American, isn’t it. I’m a woman who owns pants, chucks, skirts and mascara. Now what?
genderqueerness appealed to me because it meant that i no longer had to live like a man. it meant that i no longer had to fall short of the ideal of being a man. it meant that i could start to reject the masculinity that is toxic and violent. it meant that i could be this tiny five foot one and a half tall person trying to live a just life in an unjust world. one thing it didn’t mean was that my male privilege just disappeared once i started to identify as genderqueer.
yes, i still benefit from male privilege even though i identify as genderqueer. this male privilege is complicated and contextual. it’s something i never really thought about or ever needed to consider. i feel genderqueer on the inside but i know that most people read me as a dude. being a genderqueer tomboy femme feels right. although my gender identity challenges gender expectations, i still live in this world that genders people as men or women. as de from my interactions with people that are close to me, i get gendered as a man. even though i identify as femme, i do not experience constnt sexual harassment, gendered or sexual violence.
in my early 20s and before i ever identified as queer in any way, i used to wear women’s pants by goth brands like lip service and tripp. the pants were skinny enough to fit my slim petite figure but were really tight around the crotch area. i also used to wear cyber goth platform sneakers. i had a pair of “swear alternative” shoes that had a 4 inch platform. i only wore them out once. i stopped it all. i couldn’t deal with the looks and i didn’t feel comfortable or confident in what i was wearing so i stopped. i was scared. i stopped expressing this femme aspect of myself to feel safe. i traded aesthetics for security.