Category: your voice


The world is not easy


Liz wrote…

I don’t really know what to do now that I’ve come to this revelation.

I’ve been sitting in my room all day, drinking hot chocolate, and cataloging old memories…

I remember the first time my mother let me pick out my clothes at the store. I was eight years old, and my little nimble fingers with their pink nails quickly latched on to the brown t-shirt with the little skateboards on it. I went home with a pleated skirt and a lace covered top.

I remember when I was nine, and before a shower I would spend hours in the bathroom contorting my hair to short boy cut lengths so that I could feel better about myself. When I was eleven and early on set puberty made my chest begin to swell, I would wear tight undershirts to flatten myself out. When I was twelve and the boys I played with at recess told me that I was no longer one of their own…

I realized that the world was not easy.

I began wearing tight sports bras to flatten out my chest and hide my feminine curves. I lowered my voice. I entered into sports and spent most of my time alone because no one in my small southern town understood why this preacher’s daughter acted the way she did.

My mother and I fought at every turn. The most vivid memory I have of this time in my life was when I was ten, and cast as a male god in a greek play for my advanced elementary class. I hadn’t even requested the part; the role was complex and my teacher knew I was the only one who would be able to memorize it in time for the performance. My mother was furious, and tried to get me to wear a crown and necklace combo of flowers that she had made her self.

When I refused and declared that “manly gods do not wear flowers in this play”, she slapped me, called me a defamatory name for lesbian, and ran out of the room. I overheard her screaming at my father in the hallway that something was wrong with me, and that if I wanted to be a man, then she could not be my mother.

I fought her until I was fifteen. On the day that I gave up, I’d come home from the mall with new shorts, the long and baggy kind. She burned them in the backyard. While I was crying, she gave me an ultimatum: if I didn’t stop this “pretending to be a boy crap” I’d be shipped off to a christian boarding school the next semester. So, I decided to bury whatever I felt that made me not want to be like the girls around me, and be as feminine as my mother wanted me to be.

I let my mother buy me dresses. I wore pink. I quit a few of my sports team. I made my voice a little higher. I started dating guys. I painted my nails glittery colors. I learned the art of makeup and how to sculpt my face into whatever my mood of the day required. Some days, I even enjoyed the feminine thrill of lace and flowers, and others, it just felt.. wrong. But I still did it for the sake of peace and safety.

These memories are not ones that I visit often. They’ve only been brought to the surface by the words of one of my dear friends. They came by my room last week to talk to me about what they called a, “gender crisis.” They started to tell me their story, and they didn’t get very far into it until I realized how my own story mirrored their own.

I didn’t mention my own struggles, but I did hug and love and cry with them. They left with a smile and quick kiss on my cheek and a, “thank you for accepting and respecting me,” and then I was left with my own thoughts.

I realized, that even though I’m in college and far away from the home that repressed me, I still don’t express myself in the ways that I always naturally wanted to do. I feel as if I’ve conditioned myself in order to survive, and now I struggle to be true to who I am. I’d say that most days I feel comfortable with the way I outwardly express myself. However, there are some days, many times when I’m forced to “dress up” for a formal event, that I feel… wrong, having to slip into a dress that on some days I think is wonderful, but on some days looks odd, awkward, and wrong hanging off of my shoulders.

I feel as if I should do something, but I’m not sure what. I feel as if I should say something to the world around me, but I’m not sure how. I feel as if I want to be something else, but I’m not even sure I understand why.

It’s times like these I understand once again that the world is not easy.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on December 17th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 1 comment »

A self made man


Ash wrote…

I am a trans man who is accepting of all gender identities and expressions. However, sometimes I feel like I am being unintentionally misogynistic because I do identify as male and enjoy the “traditionally” male aspects of presentation. I’ll wind myself up until I’m in tears because I feel like my identity and expression puts off a hypocritical vibe, since I’m not comfortable with looking “femme” myself. I do what is comfortable for me, but I feel like I’m still enforcing gender essentialism.

Any other guys have this problem?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on December 15th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 2 comments »

Something missing


Someone wrote…

I’m a girl, and one which society would view as a “typical” (not my favourite choice of word) one. I like wearing pretty clothes, having my hair long, wearing make-up, etc. However, even more than that I have this burning wish to be a man.

To make this more complicated, I wish to be a man because I would LOVE to be a female drag-act, or something similar. I love the male voice, the possible fluctuation between male and female body, the confidence and sparkle that they may have. I also like dressing as a “typical” man, but as a short, curvy woman I can’t pull it off very well, and this irritates me. I’ve tried sparkle, deepening my voice, wigs… but it feels like I’m a fake, and I’ll never truly hit what I want. Yet, equally, I’ve accepted being a woman and I mostly like the way I am. For example, my friend is a female to male trans person, and I know that I’m not the same.

It’s very confusing and annoying if I think about it too much, and I tend to think about it a lot. I know it sounds like a joke, but it genuinely feels like something is missing. Anyone else have a similar story?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on December 13th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 2 comments »

Gives Me Hope


Someone wrote…

I’m a male-to-female transsexual girl going through transition at the moment.

I often feel that I look too much like a boy, which depresses me.

One day in line for the register, while dressed very boyishly, an older man with a full cart turned to me.

He asked; “Would you like to go ahead of me, young lady?”

You GMH, kind sir.

Thank you so much!

Shared from LGBTQ* gives me hope.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on December 11th, 2014 at 12:00 am

your voice | 1 comment »

Binding


Someone wrote…

Most days I feel the need to bind, but when I do, I feel terrible because it makes me realise that I’ll never be able to bind ~completely flat~, that’s just not what my body can do.
I’m torn between wearing bras and feeling mediocre, and wearing a binder and having this huge insecurity as well as some extreme joy… I don’t know how to handle it.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on December 9th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 1 comment »

Expressing Myself


Someone wrote…

I was born with a female body and a mixed mind. I consider myself both man and woman, but I also consider myself genderless.

The biggest problem I have is expressing myself outwardly. My feminine side gets upset when someone mistakes me as a man, but my masculine side is offended when people view me as just a woman. The world would be so much better off if we were all born genderless and open minded.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 30th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 1 comment »

Summer Camp


Someone wrote…

As a camp counselor, I have to be binary. This means telling the girls that, yes, I am a girl. For a few months out of the summer I live this lie and repeat these hollow words over and over. That’s what the world wants at this point. How many parents would send their children to a week long, residential camp run by strange mixes of the “only” genders?

Meanwhile, I fight for feminism. I am mostly myself, with my non-feminine appearance and eschewing the traditional trappings. Each child is met with acceptance and respect, even if they are covered in pink and glitter and make-up and jewellery. I extend the olive branch. Many take it. I hope to be a visible reminder that “girl” does not necessarily mean “girly”.

If they choose to pursue interests that extend beyond what is socially ‘normal’ but genuinely interest them, I have helped the world. If they can apply these lessons to the people they meet in the future, I have helped the world. If they feel most comfortable in society’s vision of “female”, I have done nothing wrong. If they have fun at camp, I have fulfilled my duties.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 28th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 2 comments »

To start correcting


Someone wrote…

I think I need to start correcting my mom when she calls me a girl. Using ‘she’ is okay, I guess. I don’t like it, but I told her when I came out to her that she could keep doing that if it made her more comfortable. But calling me her ‘daughter’, calling me a ‘girl’… no. I’ve had it with this. She needs to understand that she can’t invalidate my gender identity.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 26th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 2 comments »

Me is the only label I need


Someone wrote…

I wish that I could just be me – not my gender expression. I wish that I people would see me for me – not my clothes, my shoes, or hair. Why do I need to be labeled as anything other than myself? It has taken me so long to get here that I am happy being me – no matter what stares and dirty looks I get. “Me” is the only label I need.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 24th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | Comment »

Pinpoint


Someone wrote…

I am having difficulty pinpointing the differences between genders.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 22nd, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 1 comment »

A Free World


Someone wrote…

I wish for a world free of stereotypes. I can hardly even imagine how wonderful it would be if we could all just be the people we were born as, not the people we’re expected to be.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 20th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | Comment »

Somewhere in between


Someone wrote…

I’ve dealt with eating disorders for the past 7 years, and due to this I didn’t really hit puberty until very late, so the last year all of a sudden I got boobs. And it’s one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever experienced.

I hate them, it’s just not me. I’m not supposed to have boobs. It’s not who I am. Yet I have no problem at all with my female genitalia. And no one understands it, I’m somewhere in between.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 18th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 2 comments »

The mostly female core


Someone wrote…

I’m starting on a quest and, wherever I find myself each day, a picture pales into insignificance next to where my soul is at. I have no picture that reflects my mostly female core.

It matters that she isn’t seen, although I think I’m genderfluid in terms of expression. You need to look into my eyes and try to see me – so few take the time. Having found her, I feel whole… and sick, for having her in me is impossible to express, and some will shun me if I try. But I love her… and, by extension, I love myself!

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 16th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 1 comment »

It hurts to be who I was born as


Someone wrote…

I don’t understand how I can be born into a body and reject the total thought of it being mine, but being unable to change it other than for a short time frame because soon enough I’ll want it to be mine again. How come I can’t just be male or female? Why cant I just decide on a gender instead of playing this weird flip flop thing with it?

I don’t want to have to scout out the only gender neutral bathrooms at the mall in order to feel comfortable peeing!

I just want to be normal but it hurts to be who I was born as. It hurts everytime I’m told “So you were only pretending to be trans” or every time the people I love introduce me as “she” as if “they” is an inconvenience. Even genderfluid people forget my pronouns and I just can’t correct them.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 14th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 1 comment »

My gender is me


Someone wrote…

I identify as Genderqueer. A lot of people tell me that I ‘look like a girl’ or I get the ‘but you’re a girl.’

The other one I got the other day after I’d explained my gender was ‘do you feel like a boy or a girl?’

Just because I look, dress, or act in a certain way it doesn’t mean that I’m not Genderqueer, not female, and not androgynous. My gender is part of me, but I am not my gender. My gender is me.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 12th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | Comment »

To track how I feel


Someone wrote…

Sometimes I want an app to track how I feel. Do I have patterns? When my body is getting ready to expel its uterine lining, am I closer to the feminine end of the spectrum? When I’m ovulating, am I more likely to bind my chest?

I just want a slider on the my phone so I can definitively look at how I feel, instead of just… feeling it.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 10th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 2 comments »

I go all ways!


Someone wrote…

The panicked concern of friends and strangers when someone uses different pronouns for me than they have is both cute and the bane of my existence. Calm down everybody – I go all ways!

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 8th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | Comment »

Learn/Unlearn


Someone wrote…

Your breasts do not determine your gender. Neither do your clothes. I understand that these things make you nervous, but the sooner you learn those things, the less you will have to unlearn.

Reposted from Non-Binary Support Blog.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 6th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | 2 comments »

Happiest as neither


Someone wrote…

I might not be a girl after all. I don’t think I’m a boy, either. Now that I have a chance to explore my gender, maybe it turns out that I would be happiest as neither.

What an amazing thought it is, playing over and over in my mind.
“You don’t have to be a girl.”
I don’t understand why, but it just feels wonderful.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 4th, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | Comment »

Hung up


Someone wrote…

I’ve just recently started to accept that I’m genderqueer and I’ve told some people. I’m biologically female, and I’ve always been super “girly”, but there are days when I feel like something else.

People are so hung up on the days when they feel like a man/female, and most of the time I just feel like me. Nothing else than that. And I feel so strange, I can’t even understand it myself so how can I explain it to other people?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 2nd, 2014 at 08:00 am

your voice | Comment »

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