Category: questions


Question: Explaining the FtM Feeling


PeaceLoveTriathlon asks…

What’s a good way to explain the ‘FtM’ feeling? When someone asks, I say that I feel as if I’m trapped in the wrong body,and feel I should have been born a man, but they just get really confused. All ideas very much appreciated. Thanks!

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on April 10th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 2 comments »

Question: What books were meaningful for you?


Em asks…

My 2-year-old asked her teacher today, “are you a boy or a girl?” I love this time of wondering, of truly not assuming. Sadly, it will be brief. I want to teach her about gender, but the books are all binary (“every boy has a penis” etc).

Toddlers need a place to start, they’re laying a foundation…

how do I teach her the grey? Can I start with black and white? What books were meaningful for you?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on April 2nd, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 3 comments »

Does anyone have any experience with gender-openness in ‘Bear’ bars?


Someone wrote…

To expound, I’m a FAAB (female-assigned-at-birth) ambigender genderqueer (meaning I identify as in-between/a blend of male and female), who also identifies as part of the “bear” community – I’m chubby, (very) furry, kind of boyish, and love men (I mean, I love all genders, including men, lol).
I’ve also historically gotten along with men who identify as bears.

But sadly GQ/transphobia is not limited to heteronormativity – there are some lesbian, gay, and bisexual cis-folk who see gender-variance as a PITA, or worse, setting back the gay rights movement with its sheer absurdity (sad, but I’ve heard it).

So riddle me this: I’m new to Seattle, and the Capitol Hill region is pretty rife with bear culture, and, thusly, bear bars. I’d love to stop in, make some bear-friends (and, ideally, more, but not holding my breath…), and bear-it-up, but would my outward female-ish(?)-ness cast me as a ‘goldilocks’ (a colloquialism for female-friends-of-bears), or would I just come off as an impostor/intruder/wannabe?

Does this question make any sense?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on March 22nd, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions, your voice | 3 comments »

Question: Boyfriend starting T, causing him to pull away!


Julia asks…

I’m currently dating a wonderful FTM guy who is about to start taking testosterone. Things have been going great! I fully support him and he appreciates it. However, two weeks ago, he made his official appointments to start T and ever since then he has been pulling back a lot.

He’ll get stressed, and normal “mushy” behaviours that are usual for us will make him all of the sudden feel pressure, when before, he was definitely the more romantically aggressive one.

He says he’s not sure what’s up but it started when he made those appointments and things got “real” for him. He also says he worries about changes with him to come and doesn’t want our relationship to sour bc of it and have that bad association with his T process. Up until now though, we’ve had no issues and his fears have been the only thing to CAUSE any issues. However, when I say I understand and I’ll give him some space, he flips and is back to being overly mushy again. A few days later, it’s a 180 flip the other way and back again. The recurring cycle hurts me and is hard bc I feel like must walk on eggshells bc I never know how he will react.

Has anyone experienced this? Is it really stress due to start T? Will it pass? What can I do to help? Should I just let him alone and just be a friend?
Thanks!

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on March 17th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 3 comments »

How do I deal?


Someone wrote…

I’m a genderqueer who has birthed two children and now feel all kinds of messed up about my gender, not that I ever felt comfortable with it.

My hetero male partner loves me to bits, but doesn’t understand why I “want to make myself less beautiful”. I have started getting fit, and love the way the muscles look on my body. The sharp angles that are appearing as I approach a body fat percentage that suits my image of myself – not male or female, somewhere in the middle.

He tells me that he wouldn’t mind me “role-playing” as a man (or maybe he thinks I’ll be role-playing as a butch dyke? I don’t understand), and thinks I’m trying too hard to label something that isn’t important because I’m in a straight relationship anyway…but if it isn’t important, why do I want to care so much about what these conflicting feelings and thought patterns mean?

Most people who know I’m not straight (even though I’ve been in a long-term monogamous hetero relationship) just think I’m bi, a term which sits as well with me as “woman” does. For some reason, female doesn’t seem so bad?

I don’t know how to deal. I need to do some thinking, but it’s very hard when my partner keeps reinforcing my femininity when I don’t want him to.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on March 12th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions, your voice | 2 comments »

Question: Writing about gender reassignment


Danielle asks…

When you write about a trans person, you use the pronoun they use for themselves. Seems like a simple rule.

However, what about if you’re writing about them before their transition, when they were still going by their birth name, and gender assigned at birth? Do you use the pronouns they used then, or do you use the ones they use now?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on February 24th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 8 comments »

Question: hair/coming out


erin asks…

So hey, I have two questions. Firstly, what’s a good gender fluid/bi-gender haircut I can get that I can style for my male and female days?

Secondly, how do I come out to an un-expecting group of family and friends? I have been in the closet for about a year now…..

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on February 17th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 4 comments »

Question: Genderfluid help


asks…

So like, I’m a 13 year old genderfluid person, and I’ve recently come out to my parents, but I feel like they aren’t really helping me adapt, and are more or less just waiting for this to pass.
It’s really hurtful, and when I asked to get a binder, I was rejected, which especially hurt me. I live in a small town, so there isn’t any kind of help group around here that I can talk to, meaning the only place I can turn to is online.
Is there anything I can do to
1) help my parents understand, and
2) help myself adapt to this new lifestyle?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on December 21st, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 5 comments »

Question: gender neutral terms of affection for friends


Lee asks…

More than one good friend, since I asked people to use gender-neutral pronouns etc for me, have asked me about terms of affection/endearment.

I spent ages looking but can’t find ideas anywhere that aren’t about pronouns to use for partners/spouses, or unborn-baby nicknames.

I would like to be able to offer these people some gender-neutral options to try out. Suggestions? Ideas? Something I missed in my searches? Any help would be greatly appreciated :)

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on November 29th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 15 comments »

How to ask about pronouns


Someone wrote…

I’ve struggled to put this into words.

What I want input on is how to go about asking all people how they identify; I don’t want to assume.

Thing is, you ask a cis person their pronouns or ‘how do you identify’ and you (may) get some really strange looks. Then they get offended that you seem to be questioning their femininity/masculinity. You ask a trans person their identity and they (may) get another pang of sadness that they aren’t passing as how they want to be perceived. You ask a genderqueer person and you (may) get a smile in return – but you can’t just ask those who are ambiguous, because that’s simply your perception. I may perceive someone as female when they’re not, and to assume is bad. I may perceive someone as ambiguous when they’re not.
Where’s the right balance? Am I even asking the right questions?

I’d be thrilled if somebody asked me how I identify, but that’s unlikely since I have a beard.

I just want to get it right the first time, so a person gets that feeling of acceptance and satisfaction over being correctly identified.

Maybe I just ask everybody and live with the results, and become friends with the people who understand. And some people can have their understanding broadened. Perhaps.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 24th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions, your voice | 7 comments »

Question: Gender-neutral honorifics in Spanish?


Benevoson asks…

I have identified as bigender (biologically female) almost a year ago, prefer the pronoun singular they, and are still deciding between the titles “Mixter” and “Missr”.

That being said, I am also taking a Spanish class, but I am concerned about the lack of gender-neutral honorifics, only giving a choice between the masculine -o endings and Señor, or the feminine -a endings, Señora and Señorita. I haven’t been enjoying the class as much as I would like, since it has felt awkward to be forced to use the female endings and honorifics (I don’t believe my teacher is fully aware of my identity).

Anyway, what I want to know is if there are, in fact, neutral honorifics and word endings that I am unaware of. I really want there to be some, but if not, then some advice on the best way to cope with it would be just as appreciated. Thank you in advance to all who reply!

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on November 18th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 7 comments »

Question: Absolute confusion


Kellie asks…

Where can I find closure? Peace? I have been at war with myself for about 9 years trying to figure out who I am. In the recent months I have been trying very very hard to identify who I am and what I believe and I have, at best, determined that I am at least pansexual and genderqueer. Though I feel somewhat glad that I’m finding out who I really am, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere when it comes to my community.

Some days I enjoy being a female, but some days I just want to tape the tatas and I don’t even want to be looked at as a female. I have cut my hair very short and wear men’s clothing more often which is liberating, but I just don’t feel…right still. I know that I know myself better than any other person…but it’s so intense sometimes that I have considered multiple times to go see a therapist.

Is this just something that I will have to live with?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on November 11th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 3 comments »

Puberty


Someone wrote…

I’m a non-binary faab teen and I’m having a lot of trouble with puberty. I wish I could accept my body the way it is and just be my awesome queer self in it, but I can’t and I feel guilty about it. I don’t like labels very much, but I guess transmasculine genderqueer fits the best (quite a mouthful though haha).

I’m like a very feminine guyish kind of person, and even though I’ll always be that no matter what I look like, I have this inexplicable discordance with what I see and what feels right. For example, I love dresses, but when I put one on and look in the mirror all I can think is, “Damn that’s a hot girl, but it’s not ME.”
Any thoughts or advice?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on October 30th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 4 comments »

Question: What are your thoughts on shaving underarms?


Moonlight asks…

What are your thoughts on shaving?

As someone who is seen as a woman, it is expected that I will shave my legs and underarms religiously, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. As of a couple of years ago I stopped shaving my legs and it felt very good. I was scared, at first, to wear shorts, but am now totally comfortable with it. Then I stopped shaving my underarms except for when I would be wearing something that would show my underarm hair. But very recently I have stopped shaving my underarms altogether.

As with my legs before, I am terrified of letting anyone see this hair, but unwilling to shave it off. It just seems like underarm hair is a way bigger deal and I will be judged more harshly for it. I’m tired of avoiding raising my arms above my head when I wear a tank top.

What do you think? Do you have any advice?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on October 24th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 13 comments »

Question: FTM transition on my mind


Riley asks…

I have identified as genderqueer, using neutral pronouns for about three years now. Occasionally throughout my entire life I’ve stumbled on thinking about FTM transitioning, but over the past 7-8 months it’s been on my mind constantly. I have watched every video I can from the FTM YouTube/Tumblr community and I am going to a Trans*/Questioning support group to try and figure things out.
My QUESTION is, to any FTM trans* people, how did you know it was time to medically move forward and start the name change process?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on October 20th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 5 comments »

Question: Roles vs Labels


L asks…

(I am a cissexual, bisexual, white, female atheist.)

I hate the limitations placed on me because of my gender. But I have no problem with the label “woman,” or “female;” no matter how hairy my legs are or how assertively I act, no matter how I hard I try to defy the limitations patriarchy has imposed on me.

I don’t fit the standard definition of my gender, but I don’t identify as genderqueer (even though of course I wouldn’t have a problem doing so).

So what is it that makes you all identify as genderqueer, rather than thinking of yourselves as non-standard individuals within the existing binary terms?

What is the difference between rejecting a gender ROLE and rejecting the LABEL?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on October 8th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 13 comments »

Question: How to feel comfortable and know what I identify as.


Someone asks…

I am physically female. I have always felt uncomfortable wearing dresses, skirts, makeup. I do like the styles of those things but it always felt strange for me to wear them. I’m more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt.

I don’t feel feminine I’ve never felt “like a woman” however I don’t feel overly masculine either. I need help in understanding what I may identify as. I love the idea of wearing men’s clothing and deodorant that whole thing, but I know I don’t necessarily want a penis. I feel uncomfortable in my own body, it feels like it is not mine.

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on October 6th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 4 comments »

Question: Agender fitness without being on T?


Adrienne asks…

I am a FAAB agender (neutrois, specifically), and I was wondering if you all could give me some support/ideas.

I really want to become stronger and have a bigger and more muscular body, but I don’t want to go on T, because I’m worried that all the rest of the changes compounded will take me too far in the other direction toward being male, which is where I don’t want to go

With the female body that I was born with, is it possible for me to become much stronger without taking supplements or things like body builders do?
…more like Scott from Teen Wolf (minus the shirt and flat chest).

Thank you so much.

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on September 22nd, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 14 comments »

Question: How should I react so that I don’t make things worse ?


aggelos or angel asks…

I keep worrying too much about coming out as male. I’m just a non stereotypical guy.

I’m afraid nobody will take me seriously, my best friend didn’t, and it’s the same with my parents. I get infuriated every time a person doesn’t behave the way I ask them to, even though I’m really patient and answer all their questions. How should I react so that I don’t make things worse ?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on September 12th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 4 comments »

Question: Transgender Newbee.


Jules asks…

I have recently come to accept that I’m Transgender. I was born female but I’ve never felt like a girl. I hate that the world sees and accepts me as female, because I know that is just not who I really am. I feel like I’m a fake and I don’t know what to do next… I am female but I identify as male.

I want to come out to a couple friends, but I’m scared out of my mind. I KNOW who I am and what makes me feel true to myself. I live in Orange County, Vermont and I don’t know of any support groups in my area. I feel like I’m alone and don’t know what to do next. I just want to reach out to people who understand and can help me find support.

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «


Posted by on September 6th, 2013 at 08:00 am

questions | 8 comments »

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