Category: questions

Question: How do I Come out to my Family?

Matthew/Melisa asks…

So, the title should explain it all. I am a gender-fluid guy-to-girl (don’t know if that’s the correct expression) and have yet to come out to my family. This puts me in a bit of a tight spot, because I enjoy to crossdress when I am Melisa, but only get to when my sister isn’t home (although if she was listening she’d already know but whatever).

My mother, while religious, is okay with the LGBTQ+ group, but I don’t know how they’d react to a binary gendered son. Currently I’m on the brink of coming out, like it was a long jump off a cliff I can’t climb back up and my toes are off the edge. Can anyone provide that final push?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on February 27th, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | Comment »

Question: Binding Pain

Someone asks…

My first ever Underworks binder arrived in the post today. When I put it on, it felt like it was hurting my actual breast tissue. I’ve seen a lot of talk about chest pain, back pain, breathing trouble, etc. But nothing much about pain in breasts themselves.

Is this just inevitable? Or does it mean something is wrong?

My chest is really small already, so it feels like there is almost no fat around to spread out the pressure. The pain is concentrated in the middle of the breast, where the nipples are (but it’s internal pain, not surface/skin pain).

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on February 21st, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | 4 comments »

Question: A Lack of Discomfort

Kass asks…

I’ve heard dysphoria defined as “discomfort or distress” at one’s assigned gender, but is that a prerequisite for being genderqueer? I’m beginning to think that I might not be 100% the gender I’ve always thought I was, but I’m not really “distressed” about it. I’m not uncomfortable with my assigned gender–but I’m also becoming less and less uncomfortable with exploring other gender identities in addition to it.

I haven’t had these feelings for very long, but could they be legitimate clues to me not being the gender I thought I was?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on February 17th, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | 3 comments »

Question: Backpacks for not-male

Q asks…

I’ve looked absolutely everywhere for a backpack – school is starting in two days – and nowhere can I find a decent backpack that isn’t made for “businessmen.” I need something strong, supportive, with lots of pockets, including one for a laptop, but every pack I’ve seen is for huge men. When I try to wear these, it kills my neck and looks ridiculous.

I’ve looked at Swiss, Kenneth Cole, and Samsonite mostly, but only the cheaper, less durable, and less practical backpacks (JanSport, Herschel) seem to fit me properly.

The few packs I’ve found that might work only come in purple, or with pink and lime lining, which is out of the question.

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on February 11th, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | 6 comments »

Question: What was your process to discover your gender?

Kris asks…

Hey guys. So… I don’t know how to word this so sorry if it comes out really strange…

I am a person who is very deeply questioning my gender and I’m starting to think I might be transgender. I’ve never talked to a transgender person before about being trans, though, and I’m feeling totally lost.

My question is, for older people (like mid 20s and up) who didn’t know their whole life they were trans, what was your thought process that you went through to figure out where you found your gender to be? What kind of questions did you ask and what process did you go through to find your answers?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on February 7th, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | 4 comments »

Question: How Do I Get My Family To Accept My Gender Fluidity?

Jai Wolfe asks…

So, coming up soon is the anniversary of my coming out as gender fluid to my parents and siblings… My older sister, and the friends that I’ve come out to since have understood and been amazingly supportive, but the rest of my “in the know” family has gone on using my old name and pronouns.

Those things feel like shackles now, and I can’t take it anymore. Does anyone have advice in how to make them take me more seriously on this matter?

Nothing I’ve tried has worked. I want them to stop calling me he, and start calling me Ni. I want to really be me around those I know still love me. Also tips for finding good neutral clothing would be amazing. Thanks all you beautiful people. Muah!

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on February 3rd, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | 1 comment »

Question: Binding as a Genderqueer person

CJ asks…

What is a good way to start experimenting with chest binding? I’m genderqueer and the only change I’d like to make to my gender expression is to bind my chest.

I was wondering where a good place to start would be?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on January 30th, 2015 at 10:00 am

questions | 6 comments »

Question: Privately funded top surgery in the UK

Elliot CR asks…

Has anyone had top surgery done privately in the UK? I’m looking for surgeons in the London area who are happy with carrying out the procedure privately on non-binary people.

Also, does anyone know if you still need to see a therapist letter beforehand?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot in advance.

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on January 12th, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | 5 comments »

Question: Has anyone ever felt like they can’t be Trans because they look *too much* like their biological gender?

Moor asks…

I need some advice.

I am biologically female. Ever since I’ve been a little kid, I’ve felt detached from my female gender, but never felt completely male. I always felt like my spirit was male or nongendered, but liked my female appearance in other ways. My favorite movie was Mulan because of the way she seemed to become a man… I wanted that. I felt like it was sort of naughty, but I loved it. But I also thought her makeup was pretty when she was appearing as a female.

My whole life, I felt that I was a man trapped in a woman’s body. All my friends saw me that way. I’ve always found myself comparing myself to men, not women. However, I never considered the fact that I might be trans because I just could never physically imagine a male version of myself… My face looks very ~feminine (I have full lips, high cheekbones, small, pointy nose, almond eyes) and I found satisfaction for whatever reason in my own “prettiness”. I’ve never presented as very feminine (although occasionally I like wearing dresses); I feel very empowered in men’s clothes, but have always liked my face to remain looking feminine. In ways I’ve enjoyed mens’ attention in ways that feel socially “feminine”. Yet at the same time, that feeling of sexuality also makes me feel shitty.

When I was 18, I heard a friend describing their identity as genderqueer and felt automatically like that was what I was. However, I’ve never felt like I could completely match my outside with my inside… when I try to put on more “male” clothing, I feel really great but I still see my face and just feel like I am a woman wearing men’s clothing, which doesn’t match how I feel. In my head, I imagine myself like, as a hooded person with no gender or physical identity.

Until recently. Recently, I’ve been looking at pictures of FtM people and have started thinking… what if I could be a man? Entirely, and fully? Would I be happy?

Part of me is starting to imagine how I would feel if I were a man, if I were on testosterone, and thinks that that might really be who I am inside. I see a physical version of my soul as a man and when I think about it I get really excited. The problem is that I don’t feel like I could be non-binary; I feel like I would have to completely transition with testosterone and that scares the complete living shit out of me. It’s just so hard to imagine what I would look like, what would happen if I were to try and transition and wondering if it would match up to how I felt inside or if I would just be sad losing that part of me that sometimes enjoys playing up my naturally feminine appearance and would regret giving that up? Yet this identity… this idea of me as a man is really strong and feels… right? I just don’t feel like both things match up and it’s been making me feel really depressed recently, and almost suicidal at times… but I don’t know if it’s just a phase.

Has anyone else ever had this experience?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on January 8th, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | 3 comments »

Question: Genderqueer “wife” alternative

Jack asks…

Ok lovely gender resource! I’m looking for a new genderqueer title instead of “wife” which reflects my married status. Any suggestions?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on January 2nd, 2015 at 08:00 am

questions | 6 comments »

Question: Binding and Sports Bras

CJ asks…

Where can I find the best sports bra for binding a bigger chest?I’d rather use a sports bra so that my family don’t find out that I am binding. (I’m from the UK).

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on December 26th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 3 comments »

Question: Essentially, I want to know more of what Genderfluid is.

Scarlet asks…

I was born male, and have been since I for 20 years and although I am still young, I have been exposed to thoughts like this at a young age. At the age of seven, not knowing any of this, I was quite comfortable in female attire, as a kid would when playing dress up – though at the time, it seemed a little different to me, it felt strange. Even when I was younger, in kindergarten when we had a dress up day for Halloween, my mother and I had a fight about what I wanted to dress up as, I wanted to be a witch, but she insisted I go as a Native American Indian. I was not at all impressed, I remember not being happy at all for the rest of that day.

Growing up I had experienced a rough patch due to personal issues as to how confused I was sexually, though at the age of ten, I found that I had already categorized myself as a label, without knowing too well of what it meant. So I associated as Gay (Homosexual.) and till this day still saw myself that way.

When I was fourteen, I gathered myself to be the typical flamboyant gay, the stereotype in which most of society and media see homosexuals as. Though the thought had occurred to me when a friend of mine asked if could ever see myself as a girl. I pondered on the thought for a moment till a hesitantly but surely answered no, as I thought at the time I was comfortable with who I am.

At the age of seventeen was when I started to have reoccurring thoughts of myself seen as a woman, even had a friend who started to call me she whilst apologising and forgetting of my standard, current gender. My initial reaction was to say, “Whatever, who cares.” along those lines, yet instead I replied with, “I don’t mind, really it’s okay.” this is when i started to question gender Identity. Sticking to binary confines of society’s way of labelling, I was just known as ‘that gay guy.’ Then the thought occurred, I know that physically I am male, but mentally and psychologically, I am female, it is who I am inside, I can feel it.

Three years onward, I have been struggling, finding myself in the worlds between as I battled with myself on the inside. Twenty years old and I have now only now tried to understand the terms Genderqueer (Which I find to be at this moment.) Bi, Tri and Agendered – but I want to understand more about Genderfluid.
I know I can find myself at two points in the road, and can associate with both female and male aspects of my life, yet I find that I physically do not feel male and instead I find mentally and physically I am at war.
I associate so well to being female, but do not hate some male aspects of myself, such as the genitalia.

I am so confused as to where I might stand and find that expressing my issue to a group my help me on my journey to find myself. I want to make sure I understand all the factors taken in and opinions from others so that I know that my decision is not rushed and or brash.

If anyone could please help me understand this, I am still in the process of learning so much.

Thank you.

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on December 20th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 2 comments »

Question: sex, sex education, relationships

hilite asks…

Hi. I am 29 and have been in a monogamous relationship for nearly 10 years. Prior to that I was closeted and had basically no exposure to GSMs (Gender and/or Sexuality Minority) or life as a GSM. I literally had no sex education thanks to my Christian high school in Texas and once in my relationship we just figured things out.

However, things have become complex now. And among the things I need, is some basic sex education that is gender inclusive and queer friendly. Scarleteen is great but I’m married and older and I want a comprehensive sex education, not just a topical one (don’t get me wrong, I love what Scarleteen does – I just need something different).

Dan Savage talks about being “good” at sex, I’d like to learn about that. I’d also like more information about orgasms and other types of pleasure.

And in long tern relationships how do ask for what we want sexually in appropriate, reasonable and effective ways…and what can expect in navigating that conversation?

To what extent is it “ok” to do things outside of your comfort zone in order to meet a partners needs?

Do you have any suggestions?

Thank you in advance.

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on December 14th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 1 comment »

Question: Coming out as gender fluid

V asks…

What have people’s experiences been when coming out as gender fluid to friends and family? I have only this year after a lifetime of anxiety and dysphoria, come to the phenomenal realisation that this is quite obviously who I am and who I was always meant to be.

However, I am very nervous about telling people about it, because I think it will not be as obvious to them.

It’s not because my friends and family are not accepting and open-minded, they are. But they will still be confused. The thought of gender as a binary concept is still so ingrained in everyone’s minds; I almost feel like it would be easier to come out as trans* because then at least I would kind of be one single definable thing…

The thought of explaining it over and over again to everyone I talk to, with the emotional wounds from 22 years of repression and denial still ripe, feels insurmountable.

How come you haven’t said anything sooner?
How come you didn’t realise sooner?
Are you sure you’re not just exaggerating your tomboyishness?
How are we going to know when you’re a man or a woman?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on December 1st, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 9 comments »

Question: Recent Trans* male realization. Looking for some insight and advice.

Jay asks…

So this is all kind of new to me so I’m going to try do this in a way that’s easy to understand I guess…

I am currently 16 and I was born female.

Recently though I’ve felt really conflicted about my gender, I feel very male on the inside and I keep asking comparing everything to “If I was a guy”

This was actually brought on by my sexual preference, it’s very hard for me to explain but the best way for me to explain it is to say “I’m gay for guys but as a guy.”

Over the time I’ve been thinking about all of this, it’s the best way I can think of to explain how I’m feeling.

I’ve read up on trans* gender and gender dystopia to try gain understanding but I feel like I’m faking it, almost like I’m lying to myself but it feels right at the same time. I don’t know if the feeling is just because of my recent discovery or because I might be wrong but I didn’t even know trans people (besides transvestites) were a real thing until I googled my feelings on this.

I just want to know if this is normal or not because I’m starting to panic about this and I feel gross in my own skin and bras freak me out all of a sudden.

I don’t know if this is some sort of self realization but please any advice or help. ANYTHING at all will be greatly appreciated

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on November 21st, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 5 comments »

Question: Coping with the wrong pronoun?

minefloozle asks…

I’m really sorry to be a downer, but I’m looking for some coping strategies. In the past couple of months I’ve begun slowly telling people that I’d like gender-neutral pronouns (I don’t want to come out on facebook because I’d like to get a job in science research), and while they’ve all been lovely about it, everybody keeps forgetting.

I’m too uncomfortable to correct them–I don’t want to be annoying, and it happens so much!–but it’s gotten to the point where some days I can’t hear the words “she,” “ladies,” etc. at all without feeling sick, no matter who the words are directed towards. How do you deal with casual misgendering?

(I’ve also just recently realized my gender identity, so there’s a lot of internalized doubt there already.)

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on November 17th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 3 comments »

Question: Clothes Stores

Monster asks…

Do you have a favorite place to buy gender-neutral clothes? Somewhere that isn’t a hundred dollars for a shirt?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on November 13th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 2 comments »

Question: What am I

Monkey asks…

This may be a bit of a ramble, and may be a little disconnected. I fear my thoughts are a bit disorganized.

I’ve met a woman that identifies as genderqueer and I’m really in to her. Until I met her I hadn’t really heard the term before, but learning about it has made me confront uncertainties I’ve always had.

I don’t know what I am. I always thought you were a man or a woman and that was the end. I am physically a male, I like it that way, I don’t have a problem with being called he or him. But from the day I was born, I was sensitive.

I like guy things, and I like girl things. I quickly learned that liking girl things earned a man nothing but pain. When I was a child I used to wear my mother’s negliges. I got caught once and my father beat me so bad that I am shaking as I type that last sentence, because after 35 years I’m still scared of someone finding out.

I never wanted to be a woman, I just like pretty things. I love cars and weight lifting, and I spent some time training in muay thai. I like helping my friends shop for dresses, not so I can score, but because I love helping to make something beautiful.

I’m sexually attracted to female bodies, but the women I like tend to act more “manly” I wish I knew more gender neutral terms.

I’m a man, but I act too much like a woman or fag to be a man. I don’t want to be a woman.
I don’t know what I am. Some how queer feels right, but do I even have a right to that word. Am I just confused? If I’m genderqueer but outwardly a straight male, do I “come out”?

All I know is I don’t fit. The way women and men are described, or gay and straight, or any of it, I don’t fit.

Please someone tell me what I am.

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on November 9th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 6 comments »

Non-traditional labels

Someone wrote…

Part of the fun about being genderqueer is coming up with non-traditional labels. My go-to ones are gendermixed and transqueer (which also take the form of transmixed), but I’m a huge fan of andro-sparkly, gender flexible, gender non-traditional, and sugar masculine.

What are your favourites?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on October 4th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 2 comments »

Question: Feminine but not quite?

Izzy asks…

I don’t feel 100% feminine but I don’t really identify as being androgyne, agender or masculine in any way.

It’s fairly hard to express and it’s really only something I’ve started thinking about relatively recently so I’m not sure how my identity will shift or what I’ll end up feeling comfortable referring to myself as.

I regard myself as mostly feminine but it just doesn’t feel quite right – I realise that this falls under the genderqueer umbrella; is there a specific term for individuals who feel the way that I do?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on September 29th, 2014 at 08:00 am

questions | 2 comments »

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